TheBanyanTree: Change

Sat Feb 5 04:36:50 PST 2022

Laura is so right, and today has enough stuff of its,own, including
adorable puppy stuff.

I like what you said, Laura about us not being our illnesses. When Grandma
D was in the nursing home and I was visiting with the kids, one day, a
nurse/attendant/WHOMEVER said too me,

"She gets a lot of company."  Y au-\nat an uncle were there, about every
day to feed her and watch over her. I answered,

"Yes, she does." She responded, "SHE MUST HAVE BEEN A WONDERFUL WOMAN." I
felt as though she'd slapped me. i didn't get testy, I just said,

"She still is."

My thing is, we are here until we are not, and we all witnessed times when
Gram hadn''t spoken for months, but would come out with something as clear
as a I have theories  about that. When I took the kids, we went to see HER,
and kind of, for a lack of a better word, minister, or "give" to her.
They'd read her their little kiddie books and sing new songs they'd
learned, and though she hadn't said anything in three months, when Stephen
hid behind the door, she said,

"What's the matter, baby?" She spoke too Christine,

"How are you, beautiful?" And, to me, she said

"You have a nice face."

My aunts and uncles were flabbergasted. They were there, constantly, and
there was constant chatter. I do think she was partial to one, since I was
her first grandchild and she didn't see me from the time I was a wee little
one until I was, ha! an "adult," and met her and my father, and that's
another story.

Another time, a lot of us were there, as usual, everyone was chattering
over her. Some weirdo things were said, my crazy aunt was there and made a
remark about Gram being "trapped" in her body. It broke my heart. She's
right here and she can hear you, you dumb ass! Gram always said that I'd
she found out she had Alzheimer's, she would go out the back door and throw
herself into the river. My aunts and uncles lost control of that when the
doctor ça,e right out and told her.

"What is WRONG with me?" Gram asked her.

"Dorothy," the doctor began," have you ever heard of Alzheimer's disease?"

"Yes."

"Well, that is what you have."

The aunts and uncles were angry, but, hey. Whatever. She was still a person
and deserved to know...she ASKED.

Back to looney-tunes aunt loudly proclaiming that Gram was trapped, I had
to get up to,gop,too the car, because I was melting down, a little, knowing
how she felt about it, and as I got closer to the car, (we were on the
patio) my sister, Carol called,

"Linda! Gramma is looking for you!" So I called back,

"Bye, Gramma!" And she k picked everyone's socks off by calling back.

"Good-bye!"

We are here until we are not.

And, you can always call me, You are delightful.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

LaLinda

On Fri, Feb 4, 2022 at 1:50 PM Laura via TheBanyanTree <
thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:

> Monique,
> I think it's good you're going to see someone who is not directly
> involved with your life, and not (hopefully) judgmental, to talk things
> out. And it's good you can type stuff out and post it here or to other
> lists. You can lay out everything you need get out, and just leave it
> there, no need to haul it back home with you. Sure, you can't get ALL of
> it out, but every little bit you can leave behind relieves the pressure.
>
> Writing things out is, for me, a bit like lancing a boil. I get to the
> point where things are festering inside, and if I don't let them out,
> they will explode all over my brain and make me even more nuts. Here in
> the Banyan Tree is where my boils get lanced. (ew. sorry about that. a
> little dish soap should get that out.) Yeah, that's what happened a
> couple days ago.
>
> I'm proud that you are writing it all out and sharing it. It's like
> Youngblood's posts, chronicling her experiences. How can anyone else
> experience what's happening to you if we don't hear it from you? Sure,
> we're not really experiencing them physically, but even if we can't
> empathize, we can sympathize with your physical and mental state, and
> maybe our perception of Parkinson's will change. It helps all of us to
> remember that you are not your condition, you are a PERSON with a
> condition. I hate it at the doctor's when a nurse says, "You've got a
> Parkinson's in room four, and a brain boil in room two." No, you fucking
> don't. You have two PEOPLE in those rooms who have those conditions.
> Grrrr.
>
> Future blind. I like that. Live today for today. Deal with today things,
> and don't worry about tomorrow things. That's how dogs live, one moment
> to the next, and on the whole they seem to be pretty happy. Be happy
> when you're happy, and be sad when you're sad. Don't worry about
> tomorrow, just deal with it when it gets here. And if you think about
> it, tomorrow never actually gets here. We go to sleep and when we wake
> up, it's today again! Tomorrow is still a whole day away.
>
> Anyway, I love you, too. Anytime you want to bitch at someone who won't
> judge, you know my email address.
>
> Laura
> wolfljsh at gmail.com
>
> On 2/3/2022 5:23:13 PM, "Monique Colve via TheBanyanTree"
> <thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:
>
> >Yesterday I stopped putting off the inevitable and called the EAP at my
> husband's employer. Two doctors, my neurologist and my GP, had asked me to
> start seeing a psychiatrist and/or a counselor, not because I'm a raving
> psychotic, but because they believe I will need help getting through my
> upcoming life phases, and neither of them wants me coming to them. Not that
> I can blame them, their job is to keep my physical body in some sort of
> working order, not to listen to me whine.
> >
> >Calling EAP is no big deal, but Parkinson's has given me the
> predisposition to cry easily, and so I avoid it. There are triggers, and
> the last month has been difficult in more than one way. When Sam at EAP
> said I didn't have to tell him, but it would help if I did, I told him I
> have Parkinson's, and brain damage, and memory issues, and dementia is
> considered likely with time. I had to stop work and my life is changing.
> >
> >No big deal.
> >
> >Sam asked what kind of support I had, did I have anyone to talk to about
> this? I told him no, only my husband, and Andrew and I have agreed that
> talking to him about more than the basic medical facts is not conducive to
> a healthy relationship. I'm enough of a challenge as is.
> >
> >I have no one to talk to. I really never have.
> >
> >Parkinson's messes with the brain, even if one escapes the dementia that
> often accompanies it. If we're lucky, it's a long slow decline that can
> wipe away who we are, or were, and it comes with grieving. I'm already on
> the way to being no one.
> >
> >Once I had a reputation in my field, small as it is. People knew me.
> Sometimes I was known for being a smartass, sometimes for knowing many
> things. On good days I can still be a smartass, but there are few people to
> talk to. Physical therapists have been, other than my husband, my most fun
> conversations for the past month.
> >
> >People with Parkinson's support groups have not been helpful - I will
> offer advice or support, but there's no back and forth, and the most
> frequent advice includes prayer, which is not my belief system. It's also
> very conservative, which I am not.
> >
> >I've been future blind most of my life, which means I can only see today.
> I can't see a future that is any different. There are reasons that are dark
> and deep, probably best explored with a mental health counselor.
> >
> >I love my life, despite my inability to connect with people, even family,
> though my brother and I have made huge strides that no one else would
> notice. My life has changed a lot in the past few years, some of that
> pandemic related, mostly me related. I don't want any more change - I used
> to welcome change, now I fear it.
> >
> >
> >Monique
> >Sent from my iPad
> >
> >Need to change your name, email address, or password? Or have you
> forgotten your password? Go here:
> http://lists.remsset.com/listinfo.cgi/thebanyantree-remsset.com
>
>
> Need to change your name, email address, or password? Or have you
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>

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