TheBanyanTree: Change

[Laura]

Monique,
I think it's good you're going to see someone who is not directly 
involved with your life, and not (hopefully) judgmental, to talk things 
out. And it's good you can type stuff out and post it here or to other 
lists. You can lay out everything you need get out, and just leave it 
there, no need to haul it back home with you. Sure, you can't get ALL of 
it out, but every little bit you can leave behind relieves the pressure.

Writing things out is, for me, a bit like lancing a boil. I get to the 
point where things are festering inside, and if I don't let them out, 
they will explode all over my brain and make me even more nuts. Here in 
the Banyan Tree is where my boils get lanced. (ew. sorry about that. a 
little dish soap should get that out.) Yeah, that's what happened a 
couple days ago.

I'm proud that you are writing it all out and sharing it. It's like 
Youngblood's posts, chronicling her experiences. How can anyone else 
experience what's happening to you if we don't hear it from you? Sure, 
we're not really experiencing them physically, but even if we can't 
empathize, we can sympathize with your physical and mental state, and 
maybe our perception of Parkinson's will change. It helps all of us to 
remember that you are not your condition, you are a PERSON with a 
condition. I hate it at the doctor's when a nurse says, "You've got a 
Parkinson's in room four, and a brain boil in room two." No, you fucking 
don't. You have two PEOPLE in those rooms who have those conditions. 
Grrrr.

Future blind. I like that. Live today for today. Deal with today things, 
and don't worry about tomorrow things. That's how dogs live, one moment 
to the next, and on the whole they seem to be pretty happy. Be happy 
when you're happy, and be sad when you're sad. Don't worry about 
tomorrow, just deal with it when it gets here. And if you think about 
it, tomorrow never actually gets here. We go to sleep and when we wake 
up, it's today again! Tomorrow is still a whole day away.

Anyway, I love you, too. Anytime you want to bitch at someone who won't 
judge, you know my email address.

Laura
wolfljsh at gmail.com

On 2/3/2022 5:23:13 PM, "Monique Colve via TheBanyanTree" 
<thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:

>Yesterday I stopped putting off the inevitable and called the EAP at my husband's employer. Two doctors, my neurologist and my GP, had asked me to start seeing a psychiatrist and/or a counselor, not because I'm a raving psychotic, but because they believe I will need help getting through my upcoming life phases, and neither of them wants me coming to them. Not that I can blame them, their job is to keep my physical body in some sort of working order, not to listen to me whine.
>
>Calling EAP is no big deal, but Parkinson's has given me the predisposition to cry easily, and so I avoid it. There are triggers, and the last month has been difficult in more than one way. When Sam at EAP said I didn't have to tell him, but it would help if I did, I told him I have Parkinson's, and brain damage, and memory issues, and dementia is considered likely with time. I had to stop work and my life is changing.
>
>No big deal.
>
>Sam asked what kind of support I had, did I have anyone to talk to about this? I told him no, only my husband, and Andrew and I have agreed that talking to him about more than the basic medical facts is not conducive to a healthy relationship. I'm enough of a challenge as is.
>
>I have no one to talk to. I really never have.
>
>Parkinson's messes with the brain, even if one escapes the dementia that often accompanies it. If we're lucky, it's a long slow decline that can wipe away who we are, or were, and it comes with grieving. I'm already on the way to being no one.
>
>Once I had a reputation in my field, small as it is. People knew me. Sometimes I was known for being a smartass, sometimes for knowing many things. On good days I can still be a smartass, but there are few people to talk to. Physical therapists have been, other than my husband, my most fun conversations for the past month.
>
>People with Parkinson's support groups have not been helpful - I will offer advice or support, but there's no back and forth, and the most frequent advice includes prayer, which is not my belief system. It's also very conservative, which I am not.
>
>I've been future blind most of my life, which means I can only see today. I can't see a future that is any different. There are reasons that are dark and deep, probably best explored with a mental health counselor.
>
>I love my life, despite my inability to connect with people, even family, though my brother and I have made huge strides that no one else would notice. My life has changed a lot in the past few years, some of that pandemic related, mostly me related. I don't want any more change - I used to welcome change, now I fear it.
>
>
>Monique
>Sent from my iPad
>
>Need to change your name, email address, or password? Or have you forgotten your password? Go here: http://lists.remsset.com/listinfo.cgi/thebanyantree-remsset.com