TheBanyanTree: Heartstone

[Pam James]

this is a test, and it appears to have gone to you, AND to the Tree.....

I absolutely LOVE that last sentence describing yourself.... I'm not sure
if you meant it to be complimentary or otherwise....  *I* think that you
actually ARE a diamond, or at least what I perceive a diamond to be.  A
diamond is sparkly and frilly, no doubt!, but it's ALSO what they use to
cut stuff that otherwise couldn't be cut!  Diamonds are hard and dependable
and they don't take shit!!  A diamond isn't just a 'girl's best friend',
the THE friend you hope to be frinds with!

On Thu, Feb 3, 2022 at 11:18 AM Laura via TheBanyanTree <
thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:

> (Did you know that if you reply to a Banyan Tree message, it goes back
> to the person who replied, not to the whole list? Well, I apparently
> didn't. Sorry Kitty, you're getting this twice.)
>
> >These are just some of the bad moments. They are not my whole life. My
> >life is, and has been, filled with joys and loves and triumphs and
> >gleeful times. They are what make enduring the bad moments worth it.
> >There are more bad moments which didn't make it into the narrative, all
> >of which together hardened me, but there have been many more good
> >moments than bad. Life is worth living, I just feel that maybe I've
> >missed even more good because of the hard black thing my heart became.
> >I'm no diamond, shining and sparkling in the light. I'm a column of
> >basalt, sticking awkwardly out of the side of the hill, matte and
> >sharp, but enduring, in spite of the beating the world gives it.
> >
> >Laura
> >wolfljsh at gmail.com
> >
> >On 2/3/2022 10:34:45 AM, "Kitty Park" <mzzkitty at gmail.com> wrote:
> >
> >>Holy shit.
> >>
> >>I cannot imagine the trauma you endured as a child and young adult.
> >>But you have become a diamond, Wolfie.  Thank you for sharing your
> >>story with us.
> >>
> >>Kitty
> >>
> >>kcp-parkplace.blogspot.com
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>On Thu, Feb 3, 2022 at 8:49 AM Laura via TheBanyanTree
> >><thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:
> >>>From the moment I became self-aware, I knew there was a shining gem
> >>>at
> >>>my center. A great red jewel which contains my Self. My Mother spent
> >>>her
> >>>time with me teaching me how to polish it, and make it shine. My
> >>>father,
> >>>not so much. He seemed to take great pleasure in chipping away at it,
> >>>creating cracks which over time, turned black. My Mother would cover
> >>>the
> >>>cracks, and try to polish away the rough surface, but sometimes it
> >>>just
> >>>wasn't enough.
> >>>
> >>>Life chipped away at it, too. The boys who picked me up in their work
> >>>truck when I was 9, who stuffed their dirty hands down my shorts and
> >>>pinched my nipples until I screamed and screamed, and then dumped me
> >>>out
> >>>onto the gravel on the side of the road like a bag of trash. That
> >>>left a
> >>>black mark.
> >>>
> >>>The man at the cocktail party I attended at my aunt's house when I
> >>>was
> >>>12 (I felt SO grown up!) who asked me to dance, then spent the entire
> >>>time groping my ass and rubbing his erection against my thigh. I
> >>>couldn't scream then though, it wouldn't have been polite. Another
> >>>black
> >>>spot.
> >>>
> >>>The day I spent hours trying to do something to make my father happy,
> >>>to
> >>>get him to do something besides humiliate me, to notice me, to praise
> >>>my
> >>>efforts. He didn't notice, except to say what I'd done (he didn't
> >>>know
> >>>it was me who'd done it) looked terrible, that he would have to work
> >>>extra hard to fix the damage. That was the day I finally had the
> >>>epiphany. Nothing I ever did would be enough. He would never love me
> >>>or
> >>>praise me, because he didn't even like me. He didn't want me around.
> >>>I
> >>>was a thorn in his side, a pebble in his shoe. A bit of my hearstone
> >>>sloughed off that day, along with some of the blackness, leaving my
> >>>heart smaller, but less damaged. After that, I spent my time avoiding
> >>>him as much as possible, not making eye contact, trying to do nothing
> >>>around him for which he could mock me. I decided he no longer existed
> >>>in
> >>>my universe. Nothing he did or said would be allowed to affect me.
> >>>
> >>>About this same time, there was someone who decided that I was fair
> >>>game, and every time they visited, he would sneak into my room in the
> >>>pre-dawn hours and rape me. You can call it “molesting”, or whatever
> >>>word you choose that's less brutal, but it's not. It's rape. This
> >>>happened every time they visited us, and every time we visited them.
> >>>I
> >>>had no voice. Who would believe me anyway, a smart-alec girl? My word
> >>>against his, and my word was worthless. The blackness was spreading.
> >>>
> >>>The boy, who after 3 years of dating and being the perfect boyfriend,
> >>>suddenly decided that I wasn't to have a life of my own. I could sit
> >>>around the house and wait for him to be available, or I could go have
> >>>my
> >>>life without him. I chose my life. This left a crack, a rough surface
> >>>with blackness all around.
> >>>
> >>>The boy who proclaimed his love for me, said he'd call, but didn't.
> >>>He
> >>>showed up a few months later apologetic and claiming to be
> >>>heartbroken
> >>>about deserting me, 'oh please take me back', but the damage had been
> >>>done. When he married another a few months later, I knew I'd made the
> >>>right choice, even though the blackness in my heartstone grew a
> >>>little
> >>>more.
> >>>
> >>>The boy who praised me, wrote me songs, brought me flowers, and
> >>>violently raped me in the front seat of his car, well... that one
> >>>damaged me badly. All the shine went out. I was gone.
> >>>
> >>>Then I met a man. A man who showed me nothing but respect. He
> >>>encouraged
> >>>me. He supported me. He uplifted me. He helped my heart shine. He
> >>>helped
> >>>heal the blackness. He showed me ways to take control of my life,
> >>>that I
> >>>was enough, that I didn't need someone else to make my heartstone
> >>>shine,
> >>>I could make it shine all by myself, but also, that if you find the
> >>>right someone, they can make it shine even more brightly.
> >>>
> >>>And then he broke me. He shattered me with one short, thoughtless
> >>>sentence. “I'll never [do that], it's not worth the trouble.” Which
> >>>translated directly to “YOU're not worth the trouble.” All the breath
> >>>went out of my body. The universe I had built up around this man and
> >>>myself shattered. My heartstone shattered. My whole life, my
> >>>existence,
> >>>lay on the hot pavement in shards, sparkling coldly in the midday
> >>>sun.
> >>>My soul shriveled into a blackened husk. And he never noticed.
> >>>
> >>>The next morning, after a long and mostly sleepless night, a new Self
> >>>arose. The thing that shed the blackened husk is not beautiful. It is
> >>>jet black, with flat, dull surfaces and rough, sharp edges. It is not
> >>>shining. But it is hard. It is strong. It is unbreakable. It is
> >>>immune
> >>>to the hateful words and lies and manipulations of this world.
> >>>
> >>>I did finally meet someone who loves me with all his heart. He has
> >>>never
> >>>betrayed me. He is as constant as it comes. He adores me. I don't
> >>>know
> >>>why. I feel badly because he did not get the best me. He got the
> >>>broken
> >>>me, the me who can never give my whole heart, not because I don't
> >>>want
> >>>to, but because I can not. I have no heart to give. I have only this
> >>>hardness at my center, this impermeable cold blackness. I can no more
> >>>remove it than I can reclaim the shining red jewel. I don't
> >>>understand
> >>>how he can feel these strong feelings for me when I am so hard and
> >>>sharp, but I can accept and embrace it.
> >>>
> >>>Laura
> >>>
> >>>wolfljsh at gmail.com
> >>>
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