TheBanyanTree: Heartstone

[Laura]

(Did you know that if you reply to a Banyan Tree message, it goes back 
to the person who replied, not to the whole list? Well, I apparently 
didn't. Sorry Kitty, you're getting this twice.)

>These are just some of the bad moments. They are not my whole life. My 
>life is, and has been, filled with joys and loves and triumphs and 
>gleeful times. They are what make enduring the bad moments worth it. 
>There are more bad moments which didn't make it into the narrative, all 
>of which together hardened me, but there have been many more good 
>moments than bad. Life is worth living, I just feel that maybe I've 
>missed even more good because of the hard black thing my heart became. 
>I'm no diamond, shining and sparkling in the light. I'm a column of 
>basalt, sticking awkwardly out of the side of the hill, matte and 
>sharp, but enduring, in spite of the beating the world gives it.
>
>Laura
>wolfljsh at gmail.com
>
>On 2/3/2022 10:34:45 AM, "Kitty Park" <mzzkitty at gmail.com> wrote:
>
>>Holy shit.
>>
>>I cannot imagine the trauma you endured as a child and young adult.  
>>But you have become a diamond, Wolfie.  Thank you for sharing your 
>>story with us.
>>
>>Kitty
>>
>>kcp-parkplace.blogspot.com
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>On Thu, Feb 3, 2022 at 8:49 AM Laura via TheBanyanTree 
>><thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:
>>>From the moment I became self-aware, I knew there was a shining gem 
>>>at
>>>my center. A great red jewel which contains my Self. My Mother spent 
>>>her
>>>time with me teaching me how to polish it, and make it shine. My 
>>>father,
>>>not so much. He seemed to take great pleasure in chipping away at it,
>>>creating cracks which over time, turned black. My Mother would cover 
>>>the
>>>cracks, and try to polish away the rough surface, but sometimes it 
>>>just
>>>wasn't enough.
>>>
>>>Life chipped away at it, too. The boys who picked me up in their work
>>>truck when I was 9, who stuffed their dirty hands down my shorts and
>>>pinched my nipples until I screamed and screamed, and then dumped me 
>>>out
>>>onto the gravel on the side of the road like a bag of trash. That 
>>>left a
>>>black mark.
>>>
>>>The man at the cocktail party I attended at my aunt's house when I 
>>>was
>>>12 (I felt SO grown up!) who asked me to dance, then spent the entire
>>>time groping my ass and rubbing his erection against my thigh. I
>>>couldn't scream then though, it wouldn't have been polite. Another 
>>>black
>>>spot.
>>>
>>>The day I spent hours trying to do something to make my father happy, 
>>>to
>>>get him to do something besides humiliate me, to notice me, to praise 
>>>my
>>>efforts. He didn't notice, except to say what I'd done (he didn't 
>>>know
>>>it was me who'd done it) looked terrible, that he would have to work
>>>extra hard to fix the damage. That was the day I finally had the
>>>epiphany. Nothing I ever did would be enough. He would never love me 
>>>or
>>>praise me, because he didn't even like me. He didn't want me around. 
>>>I
>>>was a thorn in his side, a pebble in his shoe. A bit of my hearstone
>>>sloughed off that day, along with some of the blackness, leaving my
>>>heart smaller, but less damaged. After that, I spent my time avoiding
>>>him as much as possible, not making eye contact, trying to do nothing
>>>around him for which he could mock me. I decided he no longer existed 
>>>in
>>>my universe. Nothing he did or said would be allowed to affect me.
>>>
>>>About this same time, there was someone who decided that I was fair
>>>game, and every time they visited, he would sneak into my room in the
>>>pre-dawn hours and rape me. You can call it “molesting”, or whatever
>>>word you choose that's less brutal, but it's not. It's rape. This
>>>happened every time they visited us, and every time we visited them. 
>>>I
>>>had no voice. Who would believe me anyway, a smart-alec girl? My word
>>>against his, and my word was worthless. The blackness was spreading.
>>>
>>>The boy, who after 3 years of dating and being the perfect boyfriend,
>>>suddenly decided that I wasn't to have a life of my own. I could sit
>>>around the house and wait for him to be available, or I could go have 
>>>my
>>>life without him. I chose my life. This left a crack, a rough surface
>>>with blackness all around.
>>>
>>>The boy who proclaimed his love for me, said he'd call, but didn't. 
>>>He
>>>showed up a few months later apologetic and claiming to be 
>>>heartbroken
>>>about deserting me, 'oh please take me back', but the damage had been
>>>done. When he married another a few months later, I knew I'd made the
>>>right choice, even though the blackness in my heartstone grew a 
>>>little
>>>more.
>>>
>>>The boy who praised me, wrote me songs, brought me flowers, and
>>>violently raped me in the front seat of his car, well... that one
>>>damaged me badly. All the shine went out. I was gone.
>>>
>>>Then I met a man. A man who showed me nothing but respect. He 
>>>encouraged
>>>me. He supported me. He uplifted me. He helped my heart shine. He 
>>>helped
>>>heal the blackness. He showed me ways to take control of my life, 
>>>that I
>>>was enough, that I didn't need someone else to make my heartstone 
>>>shine,
>>>I could make it shine all by myself, but also, that if you find the
>>>right someone, they can make it shine even more brightly.
>>>
>>>And then he broke me. He shattered me with one short, thoughtless
>>>sentence. “I'll never [do that], it's not worth the trouble.” Which
>>>translated directly to “YOU're not worth the trouble.” All the breath
>>>went out of my body. The universe I had built up around this man and
>>>myself shattered. My heartstone shattered. My whole life, my 
>>>existence,
>>>lay on the hot pavement in shards, sparkling coldly in the midday 
>>>sun.
>>>My soul shriveled into a blackened husk. And he never noticed.
>>>
>>>The next morning, after a long and mostly sleepless night, a new Self
>>>arose. The thing that shed the blackened husk is not beautiful. It is
>>>jet black, with flat, dull surfaces and rough, sharp edges. It is not
>>>shining. But it is hard. It is strong. It is unbreakable. It is 
>>>immune
>>>to the hateful words and lies and manipulations of this world.
>>>
>>>I did finally meet someone who loves me with all his heart. He has 
>>>never
>>>betrayed me. He is as constant as it comes. He adores me. I don't 
>>>know
>>>why. I feel badly because he did not get the best me. He got the 
>>>broken
>>>me, the me who can never give my whole heart, not because I don't 
>>>want
>>>to, but because I can not. I have no heart to give. I have only this
>>>hardness at my center, this impermeable cold blackness. I can no more
>>>remove it than I can reclaim the shining red jewel. I don't 
>>>understand
>>>how he can feel these strong feelings for me when I am so hard and
>>>sharp, but I can accept and embrace it.
>>>
>>>Laura
>>>
>>>wolfljsh at gmail.com
>>>
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