TheBanyanTree: Change

[Monique Colve]

Yesterday I stopped putting off the inevitable and called the EAP at my husband's employer. Two doctors, my neurologist and my GP, had asked me to start seeing a psychiatrist and/or a counselor, not because I'm a raving psychotic, but because they believe I will need help getting through my upcoming life phases, and neither of them wants me coming to them. Not that I can blame them, their job is to keep my physical body in some sort of working order, not to listen to me whine.

Calling EAP is no big deal, but Parkinson's has given me the predisposition to cry easily, and so I avoid it. There are triggers, and the last month has been difficult in more than one way. When Sam at EAP said I didn't have to tell him, but it would help if I did, I told him I have Parkinson's, and brain damage, and memory issues, and dementia is considered likely with time. I had to stop work and my life is changing.

No big deal. 

Sam asked what kind of support I had, did I have anyone to talk to about this? I told him no, only my husband, and Andrew and I have agreed that talking to him about more than the basic medical facts is not conducive to a healthy relationship. I'm enough of a challenge as is.

I have no one to talk to. I really never have. 

Parkinson's messes with the brain, even if one escapes the dementia that often accompanies it. If we're lucky, it's a long slow decline that can wipe away who we are, or were, and it comes with grieving. I'm already on the way to being no one. 

Once I had a reputation in my field, small as it is. People knew me. Sometimes I was known for being a smartass, sometimes for knowing many things. On good days I can still be a smartass, but there are few people to talk to. Physical therapists have been, other than my husband, my most fun conversations for the past month.

People with Parkinson's support groups have not been helpful - I will offer advice or support, but there's no back and forth, and the most frequent advice includes prayer, which is not my belief system. It's also very conservative, which I am not.

I've been future blind most of my life, which means I can only see today. I can't see a future that is any different. There are reasons that are dark and deep, probably best explored with a mental health counselor.

I love my life, despite my inability to connect with people, even family, though my brother and I have made huge strides that no one else would notice. My life has changed a lot in the past few years, some of that pandemic related, mostly me related. I don't want any more change - I used to welcome change, now I fear it. 


Monique
Sent from my iPad