TheBanyanTree: Reflections in a muddy pond
Pam James
pamjamesagain at gmail.com
Fri Jul 19 04:09:30 PDT 2019
I guess I read what you meant, because I didn't even see that question
mark!
On Thu, Jul 18, 2019, 4:09 PM <tobie at shpilchas.net> wrote:
> I reread. You know. People of grammatical conscience do that. And I
> found, to my great chagrin ……..
>
>
> >> Meyshe, in
> >> this regard, you are no different than anyone else?
>
>
> What was that question mark doing there?
>
>
> I apologize. And for all the times I left out a close
> parenthesis:
> )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
>
>
>
> I bet that’s not enough.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> > On Jul 18, 2019, at 11:41 AM, Pam James <pamjamesagain at gmail.com> wrote:
> >
> > what a fabulous answer! anybody worth your time is asking the same
> > questions of themselves!!
> >
> > On Thu, Jul 18, 2019 at 2:25 PM <tobie at shpilchas.net> wrote:
> >
> >> Why Russ,
> >>
> >> What were those echoes? Do you mean to tell me that I’m not
> alone?
> >>
> >> Meyshe is 32 now and longing for a sweetheart, but he has no idea
> >> what or who or when or how. He’s autistic and that makes it so much
> >> harder. We went to SFMOMA on my birthday, Monday, and he told me he was
> >> afraid that if he fo9und someone, he would ruin it by something he said
> or
> >> did. "What do I say? What do I do? How do I meet someone? What will she
> >> think when ….? What if she thinks that ….?" I listened for a while,
> just
> >> aching, really aching. Neuro normals feel uncomfortable around people
> on
> >> the spectrum. Where will he find someone? He’s been asking me
> questions
> >> since he was 10 years old, like, "Will I make a good father?" (Lord!
> What
> >> 10 year old boy asks questions like that? For that matter, what 25, 30,
> 40
> >> or 50 year old boy asks questions of himself like that?) When I
> listened
> >> to Meyshe’s confusions and yearning, at least I could tell him,
> "Meyshe, in
> >> this regard, you are no different than anyone else? Just remember when
> you
> >> meet someone you like, she will feel exactly the same way. No one knows
> >> what to do or say until you break through the unfamiliarity and can be
> >> yourself. When you feel safe being yourself, then those questions don’t
> >> have such weight any more."
> >>
> >> Did that soothe?
> >>
> >> You tell me.
> >>
> >> The point is that while the chemistry is being shuffled and
> >> tossed, that’s how you’re going to feel. Maybe it’s when the chemistry
> >> settles with someone is when you start feeling that you can be yourself.
> >> But how can anyone know?
> >>
> >>
> >> Tobie
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>> On Jul 18, 2019, at 6:51 AM, Russ Doden <russ.doden at gmail.com> wrote:
> >>>
> >>> Dear Tobie,
> >>> I have read, and reread your post and see echos of my own 72 years.
> >> Only I
> >>> had no procreation - by choice, but still no procreation. As always I
> >> find
> >>> insight and wisdom in your words. It's good to see your words again.
> >>>
> >>> Russ
> >>>
> >>> On Wed, Jul 17, 2019 at 4:52 PM <tobie at shpilchas.net> wrote:
> >>>
> >>>> Wednesday, July 17nd, 2019
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Just hold on a minute,
> >>>>
> >>>> I just turned 72. This seems strange to me. It is true that
> >> I’ve
> >>>> packed a whole hell of a lot of experience in between my squeezing (or
> >>>> being squeezed) out into the world and now. Times in my life that
> once
> >>>> were freshly rotten now are distant and mature. By that, I don’t mean
> >> that
> >>>> the memories are faded or any less vivid. No. They are redolent.
> >> There
> >>>> have been just so many events crammed in there on the way to 72. At
> >>>> various times I remember being thoroughly engrossed with, "How’z this
> >> going
> >>>> to turn out?" It occupied the furrows in my forehead and worried me
> >> during
> >>>> the process, tripping me up, making it hard to navigate. And by now,
> I
> >>>> know how most of those things turned out. This is, at least,
> >> educational,
> >>>> and I learned my lessons well — that is, EXCEPT where hormones were
> >>>> involved. Talk about tripping me up!
> >>>>
> >>>> It’s pretty clear, isn’t it. The mind works, lessons are
> learned
> >>>> unless it has to do with love, mating and procreation, even if
> >>>> tangentially. I’m sure there are plenty of people whose response to
> >> that
> >>>> would be, "But without the hormones where love, mating and procreation
> >> are
> >>>> concerned, it wouldn’t be much fun!" And where I go with that is a
> >> state
> >>>> of wonder, confusion and intense curiosity — not about love, mating
> >> and
> >>>> procreation; that’s unambiguous. I’d have to question these people
> >> about
> >>>> their personal definition of fun.
> >>>>
> >>>> I do know how to have fun. I’d just have a very hard time
> trying
> >>>> to isolate the fun that, evidently for those folks, shines through all
> >> that
> >>>> anxiety, humiliation, disappointment, frustration and huge, swollen
> >>>> abscesses of self-doubt, recrimination and self-loathing. Yes, as I
> >>>> recall, self-loathing figured prominently in the love, mating and
> >>>> procreation arenas I slogged through.
> >>>>
> >>>> What arenas would those be?
> >>>>
> >>>> The most common arena was the one where I’m pushed out onto the
> >>>> great stage while the lions are released, sauntering from the opposite
> >>>> direction — this, while the crowd in the Coliseum munch their
> popcorn
> >> and
> >>>> look at their score cards. They’re impatient, nearly disinterested.
> >> This
> >>>> is only one act of dozens. The professionals go on later, much more
> >>>> engaging, more skilled. The pros know how to put on a show with
> >> sparkle,
> >>>> drama, pizzazz.
> >>>>
> >>>> Another arena would be the Barnum’N’Bailey three ring variety.
> >> In
> >>>> this one, I’m under contract as a trapeze artist — the high wire
> >> without
> >>>> a net variety — the skimpy sequined skin- tight one shoulder outfit
> >> that
> >>>> itches fearfully. My contract, however, is a cruel ruse. My
> torturous
> >>>> costume, the intense training, the soul throbbing terror (when I swing
> >> out
> >>>> there at maximum amplitude and let go, will my partner’s timing be
> >> right?
> >>>> Will he catch me?) What I don’t know is that I’m actually the clown
> >> act.
> >>>> I was completely fooled. I was even under the impression that my
> outfit
> >>>> was meant to be alluring. Not the case. What was I thinking when
> they
> >>>> put that shiny red bulbous nose on me? Oh! This was a lesson I would
> >>>> never forget! But I did. It’s easy for you to judge. You can see
> the
> >> big
> >>>> red nose (and hear it, too; it honks), but I’m inside here looking
> >> out. I
> >>>> can’t. Still, the next time around it would be so unlikely they’d try
> >> the
> >>>> same stunt twice. After all, I’m highly intelligent. They know I’d
> >> figure
> >>>> it out. They wouldn’t dare! Oh yes, they would. They know
> >> intelligence
> >>>> has absolutely nothing to do with it. Besides, they have every reason
> >> to
> >>>> be confident. They even order those noses by the gross in smug
> >>>> anticipation — those and the whoopee cushions.
> >>>>
> >>>> A third arena (this one seemed to be a favorite of the trickster
> >>>> god: god of love, mating and procreation, in charge of the hormone
> >>>> cabinet). This one was a Salem witch trial. Risk free, simple,
> really.
> >>>> I’m there to prove I’m worthy, truly the perfect, "UN-witch". And it
> >> goes
> >>>> like this. When I say, "Go," they throw me in the vat of water
> >>>> (brackish). If I float, I’m a witch. They haul me out and burn me at
> >> the
> >>>> stake. But if I sink, I’m innocent, worthy, an, "UN-witch". I drown.
> >>>>
> >>>> So I could be missing something, but I can’t find the fun in any
> >>>> of those. And that’s the benefit of hindsight at 72. As I answered
> the
> >>>> call and arrived to live these love, mating and procreation arenas, it
> >> was
> >>>> always as if it were the first time — my memory wiped clean. Or was
> >> it my
> >>>> cognitive awareness that was wiped clean? "Clean," is not the right
> >> word,
> >>>> really. Nothing was wiped clean, though one could argue that the
> word,
> >>>> "wiped," applies after a fashion. The memory, the mental faculties,
> >> either
> >>>> or both, got slopped and clogged with hormones. Of course, this is
> all
> >> so
> >>>> easy to observe at 72. Now that it’s too late, I can assure you I
> won’t
> >>>> fall for any of that shit again. And at 72, it’s pretty safe to
> promise
> >>>> that.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Oh yeah. There’s more.
> >>>>
> >>>> Later for you.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Love,
> >>>>
> >>>> Tobie
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> A tease:
> >>>> "Where are you headed to after this, Mr. Zeno?"
> >>>>
> >>>> And a phony:
> >>>> "Can I help?"
> >>>>
> >>>> THS 2017
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Tobie Helene Shapiro
> >>>> mailto:tobie at shpilchas.net <mailto:tobie at shpilchas.net>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Want to change your name, email address, or password? Or have you
> >>>> forgotten your password? Go here:
> >>>> http://lists.remsset.com/listinfo.cgi/thebanyantree-remsset.com
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> --
> >>> Enjoy Life By Living In Joy
> >>>
> >>> Well Being Consultant
> >>> www.rldwbc.com
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> Want to change your name, email address, or password? Or have you
> >> forgotten your password? Go here:
> >> http://lists.remsset.com/listinfo.cgi/thebanyantree-remsset.com
> >>
> >>
> >> "Perfection is an illusion."
> >> Meyshe Benyomen Shapiro-Nygren
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Tobie Shapiro
> >> mailto:tobie at shpilchas.net <mailto:tobie at shpilchas.net>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Want to change your name, email address, or password? Or have you
> >> forgotten your password? Go here:
> >> http://lists.remsset.com/listinfo.cgi/thebanyantree-remsset.com
> >
> >
> > Want to change your name, email address, or password? Or have you
> forgotten your password? Go here:
> http://lists.remsset.com/listinfo.cgi/thebanyantree-remsset.com
>
> Keep your eye out and note everything you say and everything you do, and
> ABSOLUTELY everything you put in writing, because you never know when
> someone will come after you. And no matter what you know you did, said or
> meant, they may prove you wrong in a court of law. And that's the only
> truth that matters. THS 2014
>
>
>
>
>
> Tobie Shapiro
> mailto:tobie at shpilchas.net <mailto:tobie at shpilchas.net>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Want to change your name, email address, or password? Or have you
> forgotten your password? Go here:
> http://lists.remsset.com/listinfo.cgi/thebanyantree-remsset.com
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