TheBanyanTree: Out of Character

[Theta Brentnall]

I don't fall into deep depressions, so I really can't understand this, 
but you have taught me how real, how terrible, how devastating it is and 
for that I thank you. There's a young woman I know that I'm worried 
about.  Her husband's family members are the "just get over it"' types.  
I've tried telling them things I've learned from you - that they can't 
expect her to just snap out of it; that they need to be less judgmental; 
that the best thing they can say is 'I'm here for you'; that they need 
to help her find help.

They look at me like I'm speaking some alien, incomprehensible language.

"She's just being selfish.  She can deal better if she really wants to."

The only thing I can do is tell her over and over that I'm willing to 
listen any time and that her family is wrong to be so dismissive.  I 
only hope it's enough.

Theta

On 8/7/2014 9:49 AM, Monique Colver wrote:
> Home <http://mcolver.wordpress.com/> » Uncategorized
> <http://mcolver.wordpress.com/category/uncategorized/> » Out of Character
> Out of Character
> Posted on August 7, 2014
> <http://mcolver.wordpress.com/2014/08/07/out-of-character/> by Monique
> Colver <http://mcolver.wordpress.com/author/mcolver/>
>
> Jennifer Huston has been found, her death ruled a suicide.
>
> Missing Woman Found
> <http://www.opb.org/news/blog/newsblog/missing-dundee-mothers-body-vehicle-located-in-yamhill-county/>
>
> Her husband says it’s out of character for his wife.
>
> Of course it is.
>
> He gets a pass though — what is he supposed to say while people clamor to
> know what happened and didn’t he notice?
>
> “But she didn’t look depressed.”
>
> Good point. Because depressed people have never been known to hide it so
> well that no one knows.
>
> That was sarcasm, in case you weren’t sure.
>
> Other people are calling her selfish, and are suspicious of what has been
> reported, as if they have some deep mystical knowledge of what was in
> Jennifer’s head before this.
>
> No knows what’s in another person’s mind. We can guess, and we can surmise,
> and we can be told what they’re feeling and thinking, but we still never
> know the whole story because nothing is that simple.
>
> At least nothing as complicated as people.
>
> And if a mother of two says she’s depressed, how many people will say, “But
> you have two adorable children! You have nothing to be depressed about,” as
> if the two things were mutually exclusive, as if a person can’t have joy
> and depression in their lives all at once.
>
> As if anyone can explain something like this.
>
> We like explanations, and we like to have answers, and if we don’t have
> them, if we feel like we’re missing pieces, we make up the answers and we
> insist we know, or we insist there’s something else going on, because we
> don’t want to believe that depression can claim someone so seemingly easy.
>
> I don’t think there’s anything easy about it, myself. It’s hard and painful
> and when someone takes that step to suicide they’re experiencing so much
> pain that I can’t imagine it. I don’t want to. Maybe that’s why people are
> so quick to judge or look for other explanations. They don’t want to
> imagine the kind of pain someone must be in to consider that option. I
> don’t want to imagine it. I’ve been in dark places where I had trouble
> finding the exit. It’s not something I want to think about anymore.
>
> And for every person who says, “Well, I would never do that,” good for you.
> Good for most people who would never do that. But we’re all different, and
> depression is a mental illness that kills. If you’ve never had it, good,
> I’m glad.
>
> If someone is depressed, they need help. They don’t need judgment, and they
> don’t need people telling them that if only they were mentally strong
> (whatever the hell that even means) they’d overcome it. Depression is real,
> and it hurts, and it’s like being in the bottom of a deep dark pit, and you
> can’t see the handholds along the side that others have used to crawl back
> up towards the light. All you can see is the darkness and the pain.
>
> If you ever feel that depressed, talk to someone. Or any depressed, for
> that matter. There are things that can help. People can help. Therapy can
> help. Meds can help. Hanging on for just another day can help, because
> everything is temporary and the next day might be a little bit brighter.
>
> Talk to people. I talk about my depression to the point of annoying people,
> and no one has ever said to me, “Just suck it up, buttercup, and stop being
> so whiny.” Maybe they’re thinking it, but that doesn’t hurt me at all. Even
> if they said what they’re thinking, it’s not going to hurt as much as the
> pain of the depression. Nothing hurt as much as that.
>
> My heart goes out to Jennifer Huston’s family and friends. They’re trying
> to understand something that can’t be understood, and they’re looking for
> answers to questions that no one can answer, except perhaps Jennifer.
> (“Jennifer, what were you really thinking?”) No one knows.
>
> The mystery of life, and death. No one knows.
>