TheBanyanTree: I Have Issues

[Linda DeMerle]

What a relief!

My new iPad Air came the other day, Jim, girls, and once it was powered up, I pushed some icon or something and all of a sudden, I was looking at my face, UP CLOSE, with the fancy-schmancy retina whosy-whats-it and…found I had erroneously been under the impression that I had no wrinkles up.  Kevin found this amusing.  Clearly, I have succumbed, at least to Apple.

I will be 60 in June, and I do not know why, but I am a bit thrilled about it.  My mother died at 54, her mother died at 54 and Kevin said he held his breath the entire year I was 54.  I have lots of physical issues; auto-immune stuff, back dysfunction, a neurological disease which causes my right side to be weak enough that I need a cane when I leave the house to help avoid falls because I can't feel my feet and legs from mid-calf down, which causes balance problems; nor can I feel my hands.  My right foot doesn't work well, which has curtailed walking for me, which I adored.  Living in New Hampshire, I would walk and hike up and down hills and valleys, alone…happy memories of being in the woods.

I have posterior vitreous separation, as well, as of last week. Felt something, saw a huge floater and flashes of light which caused my doctor to command my appearance at his office, ASAP.  I have had cataracts which are pretty bad at the moment and will be removed in January.  I have ocular hypertension which causes glaucoma, as in my dad, or blindness, as in my grandmother. 

In recent years, it has been discovered that I am intolerant of dairy, gluten, corn, soy and yeast.  The dairy has kicked up a wicked case of yeast syndrome or "yeast overgrowth," which has given me a toe like yours. I use an ointment and soak it in vinegar in hopes I can kill the fungus. My scalp has gone nuts and so I use a shampoo with tea tree oil and also let vinegar sit on my scalp for a while, before washing, if it is really aggravating.  The longer I go without dairy, the better it gets, but I have a ways to go…though I am no longer using vinegar on my scalp.

Then there are the skin rashes and such, dermatitis herpediformus, which is food intolerance showing up on the skin.  Think poison ivy.  They also caused the enamel to fall off of my front teeth, which were repaired and lovely.  My skin is getting crepey.  

I developed an arrhythmia problem and after a number of hospitalizations, went to the Cleveland Clinic and had an atrial ablation done.  It was only partially successful, so I have been taking Amiodarone for 2 years which has damaged my vision, further.  I literally have a chain on my glasses now, because I cannot be without them and I can no longer drive at night.

No doubt I have left out a few things, like my dynamic childhood and living with chronic pain up until this year when it was discovered that it is eating cheese and yogurt, which makes me ache like a freak.

So, here is the thing.  I miss pizza (….because I can no longer eat mozzarella cheese.) I missed Italian bread and lasagna, but I have it narrowed down to pizza, now.  My husband thinks I could go off of the wagon and have a slice here or there, but I haven't yet felt it would be worth it. I can eat fruits, vegetables, meat, pulpy, fish and nuts and seeds.  

I have wondered, did I really say to God a few years ago that if I were allergic to food it would make it much easier to lose weight?  I am down 50 lbs. just from removing damaging foods.

I've been called unstable by a 2, 3 or 4 bitches with superiority and delusional problems, two of them being two out of my four sisters.  Some people feel that it is a public service to be a know-it-all and a tell-it-all.  I have developed a strong avoidance reflex with people like this.  They simply aren't worth my time and since one can't believe what drama queens who tried to break up their parents' marriage say, I just consider the delusional and/or smug sources.

I struggled for decades with anxiety and result in depression, which was food induced, but I still know how to treat people with respect and not be an ass and not try to convince them that they are less than I am, so I feel that I am a success. I went for counseling a few years ago when all of these health things converged and I was a bit overwhelmed.  I did it again 2 years ago when I lost 3 people in my family, 2 of them whom I was very close with, within 6 weeks' time. Not much came of these times, as in, professionals think I am well and handle difficult emotional situations exceedingly well, but I am of the opinion that as humans, we are all entitled to some temporary insanity now and again and so if I were/am unstable here or there, so what?  I'm human and I deserve to feel whatever I am feeling.  It doesn't define my worth, it doesn't make me right or wrong and the people in my life clearly think it's to their benefit to remain close.

Admittedly, my family, my husband, my son and daughter and my loved ones gone ahead of me have a lot to do with overcoming pain from my childhood, which at this point, I barely remember.  Even when I feel moody or whatever fluctuations we human beings experience, I know that I am happy and that is something I never expected to be, I recently realized.  My arms are beginning to morph into funky arm sculptures, which startled me when I noticed it, a year or two ago, but…that's what long sleeves are for.

I felt much of what you are feeling when I turned 28 and then, again, when I was 49.  Now that I am hanging 10 on 60, I feel exhilarated..because I feel like I am beating the odds on a regular basis, I guess.

I have always said that the only people without issues are 6 feet under. I watched my aunt and uncle age and melt and it wasn't easy.  I know how this plays out.  Things have not always gone the way I felt they should, in life, but, even so, I find that I am happy with it, even though my arms are going to get worse.  I had to make a decision between a fall or two a week or Birkenstcks and a cane, but this has not diminished my passion for handbags and that is what's really important, don't you agree?

I think you are perfectly normal, Jim.  We are all confronted with aging and I don't think I know anyone who has been thrilled over what we are seeing in the mirror, quite the opposite.  We can only do the best we can to make ourselves as comfortable and healthy as we can be, under our individual circumstances, if we so choose, and keep shuffling on to what's next.  I don't talk to God as much as I did when I was younger, now we kind of sit together, sorta silently. I figure God already knows what I am thinking or feeling, anyway, so I just try not to over-achieve and savor the reality of the presence of God.  Much more tangible at Mass, last night, with the immersive organ and the gifted cantor, but…like other things, always there, anyway.

I take a lot of comfort in that.

xox

Linda

P.S.  Good news!  My cholesterol is way down for the first time in 20 years!  Doctor asked me what was different and I told her I had added uncured bacon to my diet…and butter…lots of it.  It may be dairy, but it doesn't make me ache, reportedly, because it is mostly fat.