TheBanyanTree: The dark art of raising a teenager

[NancyIee at aol.com]

My  teenagers now have teens of their own, and let me tell you . . ."what 
goes  around, comes around."   When I speak to my grown children, they  
whine, "however did we raise such a monster?"
I survived four teens.  No one was in jail,  no one got pregnant,  no one 
disgraced the family, but. . . there were some terrible times.  I  have 
discovered that what my mother advised me when I was a young parent, "if  you 
can't get to them by age twelve, forget it."
 
So, if you advised, guided, influenced your child properly until age  
twelve, and he was okay then, he will be okay again. The teens years are not for  
tormenting parents, they're years for exploring, trying out different 
personas,  trying to fit in with whatever group they're in (and sometimes the 
groups are  horrible.)  You can't tell them to abstain when the hormones are 
raging, if  you haven't had THAT talk years before.  Say, around age ten. A  
ten-year-old has more maturity and sense than does a teenager.
 
They want to be adult, yet their brains are still not formed enough to  
control impulses.   Sex is cool, drugs might be cool, driving around  as fast 
as one can might be cool.  A parent does not know these things are  going on, 
so all you can do is bite your lip and wait for the midnight call,  "come 
bail me out," "Come get me, I've had too much."
 
I raised my kids as well as I could until they were twelve, then gave them  
words I hoped they would remember, "if you need me, call, anytime, 
anywhere, and  I'll come and get you. No lecture, no punishment, just call."
 
And, that happened a time or two. I was just glad to get them back in one  
piece, with a hard lesson learned.
 
That's all you can do. But. .the good news, they grow out of it. My  
children are now my best friends, and I am able to advise them on their own  
terrible teens from time to time.

-----  Original Message ----- 
From: "Anita Coia"  <anita at redpepper.net.au>
To:  <thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com>
Sent: Friday, November 25, 2011  2:57 AM
Subject: TheBanyanTree: The dark art of raising a  teenager


> As some of you know, I have a late-teenage stepson.  He is with us 50% of 
> the
> time, which occurs in various  incarnations according to what works best 
> with
> his school and  extra-curricular activity schedule.
>
>
>
> I don't  recall thinking much about parenting a teenager as he headed 
>  towards
> and then beyond puberty.  I don't feel old or terribly  mature, so I don't
> think it occurred to me that a teenager would seem  like such an alien
> species.  Perhaps I somehow thought that  having BEEN a teenager 
qualified 
> me
> for raising  one.
>
>
>
> Oh, what a belly laugh that gives me  now!  Ho ho ho!   Boy, have I 
> forgotten
> a lot  about being a teenager.
>
>
>
> Don't get me wrong. He  is actually a nice kid. He is not into drugs that 
> we
> know of.  He has tried to sneak in some drinking at parties though he's 
not
>  legal age. He loves his little half-sister, my daughter, who is the only 
 
> one
> who can score a kiss from him these days (parents?  Blecch, no!). 
Whenever 
> I
> ask him to do a chore he does it  without complaint (though he has trouble
> with assigned chores - never  remembers. It's just easier to ask him every
> time). He makes me laugh  a lot - he is articulate and intelligent and 
>  funny.
>
>
>
> I just find myself regularly frustrated  at his lack of motivation, his - 
I
> was going to say laziness, but I  think a better description is his 
> constant
> calculation of the  minimum possible effort required to get through
> something.  His  lack of consideration for the impacts of his actions on
> other people.  His lack of consideration full stop sometimes - I don't 
>  expect
> Mother's Day or birthday presents from him, but this year he  decided to 
> save
> his money and his father received precisely  NOTHING at his birthday or
> Father's Day.  (and his father was  actually still paying him an 
allowance,
> therefore would have been  funding the presents himself).
>
>
>
> The thing that  really bothers me, though, is the lying. Particularly as 
he
> never gets  away with lies about important things, but he still does it.
> It's like  a reflex. He keeps lying until you prove you know otherwise.  
He
>  lies about trivial things too, even though there seems no  point.
>
>
>
> Yes, I KNOW there are lots of teenage  boys like this. I use Google, I've
> seen the stories. But I don't care  about all those other teenagers, I 
just
> care about this one. I worry  about how he will get through life with a
> disinclination to be  truthful, which is only tolerated for so long by 
> people
> other  than family.  I have known a couple of adult males like this, and
>  their lives are characterised by constant movement in their  
relationships.
>
>
>
> How will he go with a  disinclination to put in effort on something he's 
> not
>  interested in or involves hard physical work (he told his father "I'm 
not  
> a
> full work day kind of guy", which made us laugh, but is  actually probably
> true at the moment)? He has plans to make a career  out of being a 
drummer,
> so he will most likely need to also work doing  something else, something 
> he
> doesn't like all that much, to  make ends meet.
>
>
>
> You know what I want here,  don't you, all you parents of grown-up 
> teenagers?
> Yes, I want  reassurance that he will grow out of it, mature, turn into 
the
> man I  know he can be, full of potential with a great life ahead of him. 
>  Is
> the dark art of raising a teenager that of guiding him to this  future, 
or 
> is
> it actually letting go and letting him get  there by his own path, however
> rocky and stumble-prone it may be? Or  should I just be stepping back and
> letting him reach his own future,  not the one I (or his father) envision 
> for
>  him?
>
>
>
> Anita




Nance