TheBanyanTree: The dark art of raising a teenager

[Kitty]

The only comfort I can offer, Anita, is that this boy's father, *all* boys' 
fathers, were once teenagers.  Most managed to become responsible adults. 
So there is hope!

Now, along with you, I look forward to reading what thoughts other Tree 
members have to offer!

Kitty
mzzkitty at sssnet.com
kcp-parkplace.blogspot.com
parkplaceohio.com

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Anita Coia" <anita at redpepper.net.au>
To: <thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com>
Sent: Friday, November 25, 2011 2:57 AM
Subject: TheBanyanTree: The dark art of raising a teenager


> As some of you know, I have a late-teenage stepson. He is with us 50% of 
> the
> time, which occurs in various incarnations according to what works best 
> with
> his school and extra-curricular activity schedule.
>
>
>
> I don't recall thinking much about parenting a teenager as he headed 
> towards
> and then beyond puberty.  I don't feel old or terribly mature, so I don't
> think it occurred to me that a teenager would seem like such an alien
> species.  Perhaps I somehow thought that having BEEN a teenager qualified 
> me
> for raising one.
>
>
>
> Oh, what a belly laugh that gives me now!  Ho ho ho!   Boy, have I 
> forgotten
> a lot about being a teenager.
>
>
>
> Don't get me wrong. He is actually a nice kid. He is not into drugs that 
> we
> know of. He has tried to sneak in some drinking at parties though he's not
> legal age. He loves his little half-sister, my daughter, who is the only 
> one
> who can score a kiss from him these days (parents? Blecch, no!). Whenever 
> I
> ask him to do a chore he does it without complaint (though he has trouble
> with assigned chores - never remembers. It's just easier to ask him every
> time). He makes me laugh a lot - he is articulate and intelligent and 
> funny.
>
>
>
> I just find myself regularly frustrated at his lack of motivation, his - I
> was going to say laziness, but I think a better description is his 
> constant
> calculation of the minimum possible effort required to get through
> something.  His lack of consideration for the impacts of his actions on
> other people. His lack of consideration full stop sometimes - I don't 
> expect
> Mother's Day or birthday presents from him, but this year he decided to 
> save
> his money and his father received precisely NOTHING at his birthday or
> Father's Day.  (and his father was actually still paying him an allowance,
> therefore would have been funding the presents himself).
>
>
>
> The thing that really bothers me, though, is the lying. Particularly as he
> never gets away with lies about important things, but he still does it.
> It's like a reflex. He keeps lying until you prove you know otherwise.  He
> lies about trivial things too, even though there seems no point.
>
>
>
> Yes, I KNOW there are lots of teenage boys like this. I use Google, I've
> seen the stories. But I don't care about all those other teenagers, I just
> care about this one. I worry about how he will get through life with a
> disinclination to be truthful, which is only tolerated for so long by 
> people
> other than family.  I have known a couple of adult males like this, and
> their lives are characterised by constant movement in their relationships.
>
>
>
> How will he go with a disinclination to put in effort on something he's 
> not
> interested in or involves hard physical work (he told his father "I'm not 
> a
> full work day kind of guy", which made us laugh, but is actually probably
> true at the moment)? He has plans to make a career out of being a drummer,
> so he will most likely need to also work doing something else, something 
> he
> doesn't like all that much, to make ends meet.
>
>
>
> You know what I want here, don't you, all you parents of grown-up 
> teenagers?
> Yes, I want reassurance that he will grow out of it, mature, turn into the
> man I know he can be, full of potential with a great life ahead of him. 
> Is
> the dark art of raising a teenager that of guiding him to this future, or 
> is
> it actually letting go and letting him get there by his own path, however
> rocky and stumble-prone it may be? Or should I just be stepping back and
> letting him reach his own future, not the one I (or his father) envision 
> for
> him?
>
>
>
> Anita
>
>