TheBanyanTree: Those Bleedin' Swedes!

Sat Mar 26 12:15:34 PDT 2011

Ikea: A place where people meet and mingle, and brave crowds to get to the
meatballs at the end.

I regard Ikea with the same sort of terror I regard dentistry and
mammograms. Sure, it's gotta be done, but it's not like I'm going to have a
good time at it. I have a strategy though to make it easier on me.

I send the charming husband in to recon before I go. He's happy to go wander
through the maze of artfully displayed rooms and decide where it is we're
supposed to go. He'll buy things and bring them home, or if it's something
big I should look it, he comes home and eventually we go together, but this
time I have 1) protection, 2) a guide, and 3) a destination.

I love the little rooms where they show you how you too can live comfortably
in a total of 100 sq feet of space. "Are these people mad?" I must ask,
because there is no way in Hades I can do more than have a reading room in
100 sq feet of space, much less my bedroom/bathroom/kitchen/living area with
desk. Or perhaps these little rooms are built for little people, Hobbits
perhaps, who have no personal possessions.

We recently purchased my new corner desk at Ikea. Now that I have it I'm not
sure how I survived without it. We went to the desk section when we got
there, decided what we wanted, and the Ikea person, who looked as if she
hadn't seen sunlight in months, no doubt because she's made to live in one
of the little display rooms and never leave, gave us a list of everything we
needed. We made it to the self-help section after only a few stops along the
way, and we carefully picked out each piece. And then maneuvered it onto the
cart.

Shopping at Ikea is not for the faint of heart, but it's good exercise.

But we are not total fools. There was no way we could fit the pieces of the
desk, especially the big corner part, into a car, so after checking out we
piloted our desk over to the delivery department, and handed it over to them
to bring to us, for a fee.

Now, there are people who would say, "Pay for delivery! Nonsense! I never
pay for delivery! Strap it on the top of the car! Stuff it in there somehow!
Have it hanging out the trunk! Just don't pay for delivery!"

Seriously? Like my aggravation isn't worth the small fee? Have you ever
tried to load pieces of a desk into a Honda?

Even with the arrows and the directions I get lost. Sometimes I misplace my
charming husband. Or I wander off and he loses track of me. This is why we
carry cell phones. And gps tracking devices. And breadcrumbs to scatter
behind us. Even with all that it's hit or miss.

I would never venture into Ikea unescorted. At least I go to the dentist on
my own, but Ikea? Never.

Monique

On Sat, Mar 26, 2011 at 11:51 AM, auntiesash <auntiesash at gmail.com> wrote:

> LAH!
>
> Delightfully told, as always, but I would have bet big BUCKS the Woofie +
> IKEA = MADNESS.
>
> All those people.  All those weird fake books and props.  Did I mention all
> those people?
>
> I can't believe that people who know and love you actually took you there
> on
> a weekend!  And there are shortcuts, love.  Many places in the maze have
> "shortcut to kitchen" or "shortcut to lighting".
>
> I'm not really a junkie, but they sell some neat stuff and I do love the
> meatballs.  I can't do the whole meander thing there.  Too
> much fluorescent lighting - by the time I get through I have a headache and
> can't remember what I planned to buy at the end.
>
> So we go on missions to Ikea.  Figure out about what we are looking for,
> follow the signs to that department, write down the stock number, follow
> the
> signs to the nearest exit, and done.  And the meatballs freeze great, so we
> always buy extras.
>
> Same strategy that I use shopping at the mall.
>
> Give me a bookstore, a couple antique shops, or a funky street with odd
> little shops, and I can wander and browse.  But otherwise, it's more like
> hunting in hostile territory.  Know your prey, spot it, take it down, pack
> it out.
>
> Or you can just go to Ikea online.  I think they'll even mail you
> meatballs.....
>
> xoxo
> sash
>
> On Sat, Mar 26, 2011 at 5:31 AM, Woofie <woofie at woofess.com> wrote:
>
> >
> > Today I thought I would make my new son proud. My new son is an IKEA
> > junkie, but I have never been to an IKEA store. I did try once with
> > Krazy Kiwi, but it was shut. Today we had to enlist KK's help, cuz
> > Spouse's passport got soaked in water in the car, which means he has to
> > fill out another passport application and pay lots of money for a rush
> > job to get a replacement before he flies out next weekend. KK was needed
> > to witness it.
> >
> > To kill a number of birds with one stone we decided to meet up at IKEA,
> > cuz we wanted a broom cupboard thingy and KK hadn't been to IKEA in ages
> > and I wanted some of their Swedish meatballs. I had been introduced to
> > these delicacies by my niece and nephew-by-choice who live and work in
> > China. Yes folks, they have IKEA stores there too. My niece and
> > nephew-by-choice are also IKEA junkies and so I also wanted to know what
> > turned sane people into IKEA junkies.
> >
> > Thankfully KK did not drive to the IKEA store dressed as an octopus -
> > yes another story which I will tell when I get hold of the evidence;)
> >
> > Folks, have you ever had one of those nightmares where you are stuck in
> > a maze of tunnels and you are running and running and trying to find a
> > way out, but it doesn't matter which turn or tunnel you run down there
> > is no way out. You are absolutely terrified because hideous creatures
> > are pursuing you, but there is NO ESCAPE!
> >
> > Well, that is exactly what an IKEA store is like, except it is much much
> > worse! It is full of loud crowds of people pushing and shoving and you
> > can't directly to an exit or directly to where you want to go in the
> > store. You have to follow a winding maze through every other dept to get
> > somewhere. To make it worse you can't see across the store as all the
> > displays are full height to the roof. You just have to keep following
> > these arrows in sightless tunnels and go with the crowds of thousands
> > who are also trying to escape the maze.
> >
> > I can now fully appreciate how Skinner's rats felt:(
> >
> > Many hours later we finally found our way out of the maze and would you
> > believe it the bloody store that sells the meatballs and other yummies
> > is right next to the exit! Unfortunately, you cannot bypass the bloody
> > maze to go direct to the food store section - you can't sneak in the
> > exit - you got to go in the entrance and spend hours in the maze to get
> > to the meatball place - BAH!
> >
> > There is NO way that the Woofess is ever going to venture into that
> > Swedish torture maze ever again! Thankfully, KK has offered to brave the
> > nightmare and supply her with meatballs in future:) I hope she goes
> > dressed as an octopus with battering rams in her tentacles and knocks
> > down the bloody walls of that maze as she goes!!!
> >
> > And I never got to figure out what causes IKEA junkies....must be one of
> > those divine mystery thingies...
> >
> > Woof, feeding her face with meatballs and cream sauce:)
> > PS...the broom cupboard? They bleedin well doan sell broom cupboards!
> >
> > --
> >
> > **********************************************************
> > "The one constant in life is absurdity" - Woofie - 30/4/02
> > **********************************************************
> > Blogs: http://www.woofess.org/woofblog/
> > Photos: http://www.pbase.com/woofess
> > Photos: http://public.fotki.com/woofie/
> >
>
>
>
> --
> Everyone is from somewhere
> Even if you've never been there.
> So take a minute to remember
> The part of you that might be the Old Man calling me.
> - *Jethro Tull*
>

-- 
Monique Colver