TheBanyanTree: I'm Cold

[Margaret R. Kramer]

Below is the last email I received from Ray before he went into the hospital
and died.  I met him online and when I’m really sad, I still go online
looking for him.  Naturally, it’s a fruitless search, but my brain can’t
help itself.

Ray kept a lot of our early emails and IMs in his file cabinet, and of
course, I still have them.  I remember spending whole Saturday afternoons
IMing back and forth with him.  I also kept my share of our early
correspondence and its packed away in tubs and file cabinets.  I  haven’t
had the courage to look at them yet, but maybe, since I’m at the end of what
I’ve kept on my computer, it’s time to dig out our early stuff.  I believe
we met online either in 1996 or 1997.

1/21/08
he advises NOT to, very well put. Love you.
 Ray 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
++++

I went to my older grandson’s baseball game today, and wore three long
sleeved shirts, jeans, warm socks, and tennis shoes, and I still froze to
death.  And this is July in Minnesota.

Usually this is the hottest week of the summer.  Instead of being covered in
clothing, we’re running around half naked, letting the sun bake our exposed
skin.  We’re at beaches splashing in the water, not huddled in the house
trying not to turn on the furnace.

Oh, I’m so tired of this weather.  This is the coolest summer in years.  My
tomatoes are staying green on the vine, because they can’t get hot enough.

And it’s driest summer in years; all the storms skirt either north or south
around us.  If it wasn’t so cool, the ground would bake.  The only good
thing about the cool weather is that it is keeping this severe drought from
getting really bad.

I had dinner with a couple of the widows last night.  It was great to talk
about traveling alone, living alone, and just being alone.  We all hate it.
I’m getting better at it, but it’s awful.  I’m lonely.  Even in a crowd of
people.  I miss being part of a couple.  I think of all the single people
and realize that they survive, so why can’t I?  It’s OK to be single, isn’t
it?

Another symptom I’m having that indicates to me that I’m easing out of grief
is that I’m looking at guys at the gym.  I never did when I was with Ray.
I’d look at the women and realize how old and cellulite creviced my body
looked horrible next to their young and muscular ones.  But I never looked
at guys.

Now I do.  I’m single, gosh darn it!

Does that mean I’m on the prowl?

Maybe this cool summer is driving me to find some heat.

I’m also changing things, just small stuff around my house.  I bought new
canisters last night.  I bought a small LCD HD TV for the kitchen and moved
the analog TV to my bedroom along with its converter box and hooked it up to
the outdoors antenna.  Now I can watch TV in my bedroom if I want to.

Ray got me out of the habit of watching TV in the bedroom.  I probably could
count on less than one hand how many times he watched TV in the bedroom.
The bedroom for him was just for sleeping and sex.  But it’s nice to have
the TV in the bedroom in case I’m too tired to sit up and watch the news in
the living room.

They’re promising a warm up for tomorrow.  I sure hope so.  There’s nothing
worse than winter in July.

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net
margaret.kramer at polarispublications.com
www.polarispublications.com

Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love.
-George Eliot