TheBanyanTree: Tea for Two

[Margaret R. Kramer]

8/11/05
Love you--------------- today they did their usual stayed down stairs.
Looking  forward to seeing you on Friday. We can see who replaced Randy
moss------------------I don't miss him ,he was a jerk!
 Later got to get my supper from Perkin's 
 Love you too much!
 Ray

Hmmmm . . . I don't know.  If Ray only knew what it's like to find someone
else, he never would have died.  He would stayed around just to keep me
happy.

As an older person, it takes me longer to get used to something or someone.
Then when I finally "get it," I don't want to deviate from it.

I was used to Ray - well, I was in love with Ray.  We were glued at the hip.
Everything we did as a couple was just right.  We shared our earnings, we
cleaned our home, we went shopping, we cooked together, we talked, and we
enjoyed being in the same room even if we weren't talking.  I  was used to
that - it was the norm.

Then Ray died.  And I got in a relationship with a man who also lost his
wife, but we started too soon.  We wanted the same familiarity that we had
with our spouses.  I couldn't figure out why he didn't want to travel or go
out to eat or share money.  He couldn't figure out why I wasn't a cleaning
fanatic or why I didn't want him to drive me around or go to church with
him.

Ray was patient as they day was long, well, about most things.  He didn't
like cashiers and waitresses much.  Watch out!  But he was especially
patient with me when I would have my meltdowns.

Joe is edgy and quick to snap.  He drinks and that affects his moods.

But Joe is tall.  I love the fact I come just to his shoulder.  And he is
sexy to me.  I love his long legs.  I love his tummy.  I love the way he
kisses.  He doesn't laugh much, so I love making him laugh by saying
ridiculous unexpected things that catch him off guard.

We stopped talking about our dead spouses.  And that helps a lot.  We
understand, but we don't need to elaborate on it much.

I met email Joe today for lunch.  I'm sure he was disappointed.  I'm not
attractive.  He was nervous.  I wasn't.  I thought of it like a job
interview.

He's very nice, but he's still working through his divorce from three years
ago.  He smokes pot.  I haven't been around a pothead in decades.  He's a
simple man who owns a home, but lives in one room with two birds and an
aquarium.  But his divorce scorches him.  

We had a good time talking, but I didn't feel pulled into the conversation.
And I wasn't sad to say good-bye.  He walked me to my car.  I didn't tell
him about real live Joe, because there wasn't any point to it, because there
was no suggestion of getting together again.  

Whew!

Actually, I didn't think much of Ray when we were emailing back and forth.
After we met for the first time, I wasn't sure what I thought.  But I kept a
Jamaican coin he gave me in my wallet.  And I still have it. 

I think I was hoping to find Ray again.  We did meet online.  And sometimes
I think if I could just find the right email address, he'd answer me.  And
we would arrange to meet each other.  And start all over again.