TheBanyanTree: Lonely Hearts Club

[Margaret R. Kramer]

8/11/05

Hi Love-

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 Just wanted to give a few blah's to make your day a little better. Yes I
stayed up and 

watched til the end. I ordered potato pancakes from Perkins and they are
about ready. Looking forward to you calling tonight. Love you 

Ray &Geo.

 

Well, I'm not actually a member of a Lonely Hearts Club.  Real live Joe and
I are going out to dinner in a little bit.  Then to his house.  We've been
getting along well lately.  Maybe our fear and confusion is clearing up and
we're learning to trust each other.  He truly is my best friend.  There are
things I can tell him that no one else would understand and vice versa.

 

He's not Ray.  I think I have puzzle piece in my head and if I'm lucky, I
would find a person who has a piece who fits snuggly with mine.  And I found
Ray and his puzzle piece fit neatly into mine.  For me, being with Ray was
like breathing air.  It was natural and easy.  He always said we clicked.
And that was so true.  We were always on the same page.

 

I had a horrible time at the gym today.  I was going a hundred miles per
hour on the crosstrainer when I  had a major grief breakdown.  That's like
when you into a panic mode and an immense sense of sadness fills your soul.
It's the most horrible feeling in the world.  I'm sure the people working
out around me wondered what the heck was going on, but I just kept going.
Stopping wouldn't stop the pain.

 

Last Valentine's Day, Ray was in the hospital and not feeling well at all.
I bought him some Peeps, but he wasn't able to eat them that evening.
Later, he wanted a Peep on one of the last nights of his life, but the nurse
and I said no, because we thought he was getting better and the sugar might
have upset his digestive system.  I wish we would have given him the Peep.
What did we know?

 

I thought of our first Valentine's Day when I drove to Milwaukee to meet
with him.  We were both still married then.  But that visit cemented
something, although nothing was ever said.  Two months later he told his
wife he was leaving and I told my husband and then Ray came to me in May.
Someday, it will be my turn to go to him.  

 

I hope Ray feels my love.  I know I feel his.  It's difficult to explain,
but his smell comes to me almost daily.  Some days I don't get a whiff of
him, but most days I do.  Sometimes we do have very short conversations, not
often, just once in a while.  I think he fixed the bathroom faucet again,
because it doesn't drip anymore.

 

I went to the cemetery today after work out.  A lot of the snow has melted.
I saw smatterings of spring flowers beginning to dot the graves.  I saw
several bunches of roses at the some of the graves near Ray.  I left him a
red rose, a Valentine card, and a candle.  The candle wouldn't stay lit,
because it was very windy.

 

Then I went home and baked banana bread for my younger grandson.  And paid
bills.  And loaded music on my iPod.  The sky was a bright blue and it
looked nice, but actually it was chilly and windy.  A false spring day,
offering hope, but not reality.

 

Joe volunteered at a funeral this morning at his church.  By volunteering, I
mean that he helped in kitchen and served food at the luncheon after the
funeral.  He said he felt good doing that.

 

I'm going to meet email Joe tomorrow, so actually I'm an imposter member of
the Lonely Hearts club.   Too many Joes when I just want a Ray.