TheBanyanTree: numb

[auntie sash]

Monique is wise.  You are too.  She is wise to suggest that it is not always
an either/or.  You are wise to write about it.  Writing about the numbness
might not feel the same about writing from passion, but it is still
writing.  It is still release and thought and analysys and connection.  You
are not completely numb if you are still aware of the numbness.

Meds are tricky.  Too much, too little, wrong one, wrong ones, good today,
bad tomorrow.  Such a hard thing to sort out.  And truly, if you were
feeling up to this sort of decision making process and accurate self
awareness, you probably wouldn't need the damn meds to start with!!

Know that we are here.  Many of us understand where you are.  Our paths
might be different, but the intersection is Way too familiar.  Those who
don't understand still care.  A lot.  Vent as needed and check in when you
can.  The therapist may be right that there will be some give and take, but
that does not mean it is hopeless or that you should settle for numb.
Stretch and try other options, while protecting yourself of course, and know
that the extra effort may pay off and will be worth it.

cheers,

sash

On Sat, Aug 22, 2009 at 10:15 AM, Monique Colver
<monique.colver at gmail.com>wrote:

> Dave,
> I truly believe there is a way to feel better without going off your meds.
> I
> don't know the way, since I'm only an accountant, and what do we know about
> these things? Accountants don't even have emotions. But I saw it with my
> ex-husband, who was on a whole lot of meds. And he was numb, and he slept a
> lot, and he was foggy, and he didn't like it at all. He could not manage
> his
> emotions well either (and neither do I, but I'm learning how to), and I
> often had to stop him from doing things that were unwise, to say the least.
> But he did get better, though I can't say why. Maybe it was fine tuning of
> his meds. Maybe he adjusted to being on them and because he fought so hard
> to have a life he was able to rise back up. I really don't know. But before
> he was diagnosed with cancer he was able to consider his future as a
> positive thing, and he was able to consider going back to school, and he
> worked at his own business. He started reconnecting with people, which, for
> him, was a major thing. He started writing again.
>
> I don't know how or why, but I do know that things do change, or they can
> change, and that one thing we can be sure of in life is that everything
> changes.
>
> And being nervous about school but not too nervous? That, I must say, is
> perfectly normal. The fact that you're not too nervous is a great thing,
> and
> the fact that you're nervous at all says your emotions are working just
> fine. I'd be nervous too, if I were going back to school. Or doing anything
> different than what I do on a normal basis. Take lots of notes. Record the
> classes if you can.
>
> It will be okay.
>
> Monique
>
> On Sat, Aug 22, 2009 at 8:04 AM, Dave <dseaman77 at gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > I'm numb and dumb lately. Slow, thoughtless yet anxious. Had a chance to
> > discuss with my therapist and pdoc this week. My thinking is that it's
> the
> > meds. Or I'm depressed, just not all the way depressed because of the
> meds,
> > either way, it's the meds.
> >
> > My therapist said to pick my poison when I talked to her about getting
> off
> > the pills. I can feel and write, or be numb and healthy. Emotions have
> their
> > difficulties in my case because I do not manage them well. I sink fast
> and
> > react even faster. It's scary when I think back to my past reactions. I'm
> > nothing like that now, but I am numb.
> >
> > How am I supposed to go to school like this? My attention span is minimal
> > and my short term memory is shot. I'll find out. 9am Monday is going to
> come
> > quick. It makes me nervous, but not too nervous.
> >
> > There are advantages to this numbness. I'm slow to anger, and if I get
> > overly excited about some issue I can take a pill. But I miss joy and
> > sadness. I don't cry nor laugh aloud. I'm a zombie, a robot. One of the
> > throngs of medicated persons swallowing the cutting edge of scientific
> > research.
> >
> > I wish to be normal, or passionate. Greedy and angry. Just not suicidal.
> > Yet not the walking dead. Maybe I got what I wanted after all. Except
> there
> > is no rest to this death.
> >
> > Dave
> >
>
>
>
> --
> Monique Colver
>



-- 
----------------------------
An Ode to Spring:
 Me: "Wow!  It's sunny!"
    Boy child: "About damn time."