TheBanyanTree: numb

[Monique Colver]

Dave,
I truly believe there is a way to feel better without going off your meds. I
don't know the way, since I'm only an accountant, and what do we know about
these things? Accountants don't even have emotions. But I saw it with my
ex-husband, who was on a whole lot of meds. And he was numb, and he slept a
lot, and he was foggy, and he didn't like it at all. He could not manage his
emotions well either (and neither do I, but I'm learning how to), and I
often had to stop him from doing things that were unwise, to say the least.
But he did get better, though I can't say why. Maybe it was fine tuning of
his meds. Maybe he adjusted to being on them and because he fought so hard
to have a life he was able to rise back up. I really don't know. But before
he was diagnosed with cancer he was able to consider his future as a
positive thing, and he was able to consider going back to school, and he
worked at his own business. He started reconnecting with people, which, for
him, was a major thing. He started writing again.

I don't know how or why, but I do know that things do change, or they can
change, and that one thing we can be sure of in life is that everything
changes.

And being nervous about school but not too nervous? That, I must say, is
perfectly normal. The fact that you're not too nervous is a great thing, and
the fact that you're nervous at all says your emotions are working just
fine. I'd be nervous too, if I were going back to school. Or doing anything
different than what I do on a normal basis. Take lots of notes. Record the
classes if you can.

It will be okay.

Monique

On Sat, Aug 22, 2009 at 8:04 AM, Dave <dseaman77 at gmail.com> wrote:

> I'm numb and dumb lately. Slow, thoughtless yet anxious. Had a chance to
> discuss with my therapist and pdoc this week. My thinking is that it's the
> meds. Or I'm depressed, just not all the way depressed because of the meds,
> either way, it's the meds.
>
> My therapist said to pick my poison when I talked to her about getting off
> the pills. I can feel and write, or be numb and healthy. Emotions have their
> difficulties in my case because I do not manage them well. I sink fast and
> react even faster. It's scary when I think back to my past reactions. I'm
> nothing like that now, but I am numb.
>
> How am I supposed to go to school like this? My attention span is minimal
> and my short term memory is shot. I'll find out. 9am Monday is going to come
> quick. It makes me nervous, but not too nervous.
>
> There are advantages to this numbness. I'm slow to anger, and if I get
> overly excited about some issue I can take a pill. But I miss joy and
> sadness. I don't cry nor laugh aloud. I'm a zombie, a robot. One of the
> throngs of medicated persons swallowing the cutting edge of scientific
> research.
>
> I wish to be normal, or passionate. Greedy and angry. Just not suicidal.
> Yet not the walking dead. Maybe I got what I wanted after all. Except there
> is no rest to this death.
>
> Dave
>



-- 
Monique Colver