TheBanyanTree: numb

[Dave]

I'm numb and dumb lately. Slow, thoughtless yet anxious. Had a chance to discuss with my 
therapist and pdoc this week. My thinking is that it's the meds. Or I'm depressed, just not all 
the way depressed because of the meds, either way, it's the meds.

My therapist said to pick my poison when I talked to her about getting off the pills. I can 
feel and write, or be numb and healthy. Emotions have their difficulties in my case because I 
do not manage them well. I sink fast and react even faster. It's scary when I think back to my 
past reactions. I'm nothing like that now, but I am numb.

How am I supposed to go to school like this? My attention span is minimal and my short term 
memory is shot. I'll find out. 9am Monday is going to come quick. It makes me nervous, but not 
too nervous.

There are advantages to this numbness. I'm slow to anger, and if I get overly excited about 
some issue I can take a pill. But I miss joy and sadness. I don't cry nor laugh aloud. I'm a 
zombie, a robot. One of the throngs of medicated persons swallowing the cutting edge of 
scientific research.

I wish to be normal, or passionate. Greedy and angry. Just not suicidal. Yet not the walking 
dead. Maybe I got what I wanted after all. Except there is no rest to this death.

Dave