TheBanyanTree: First Down

[Margaret R. Kramer]

9/27/98
REAL LOVE IS LEAVING A PERSON YOU LONG LONGER LOVE
AND GOING TO THE ONE YOU REALLY LOVE

Love is being with someone that is so much like you, that it is your
“likeness”

Love you is being with YOU!
Love is waking up to your smile
Love is more to me than it ever was!
Love with you will last me for a lifetime!

I love you more as each day goes by.
I look forward to being with you forever!
So many ways to love you I can not count.
Ray

After begging and pleading, Joe agreed to attend the State Fair with me.  He
’s lived in Minnesota probably about 15 years or so, but has never been to
our “Great Minnesota Get Together.”  He doesn’t like crowds, weird loud
people, and heat, but he knew how much I wanted to go, because Ray and I
always loved going, but that’s beside the point, but maybe it’s the point,
too, because I needed to go to the Fair to bring Ray back and then on the
other hand also establish a new Fair memory without Ray.  It’s complicated.

Joe hung in there, but the Fair is HUGE.  We went on one of the very nicest
days, so it was crowded.  He’s not used to walking so much and it got
difficult for him as time went on.  Ray walked a lot at work, so he was
conditioned for the Fair.  Plus, Ray liked crowds, loud and weird people,
and the heat didn’t usually bother him.

Joe’s an attentive boyfriend.  He likes to hold hands and snuggle while
sitting and listening to a band.  Ray snuggled, too, so it’s second nature
for me to keep in almost constant physical contact with my man.  I like
that, and it pleases me Joe is physically loving, too.

“I am exhausted,” Joe exclaimed as we boarded a bus to head for home.  I
didn’t want to tell him that we only did about a third of what Ray and I saw
in the same amount of time.  He’ll get used to it.  Next year, he’ll know
what to expect.

Yesterday was a momentous occasion in our relationship.  We went to an open
house for a couple who are friends with a couple of Joe’s best friends.  I
have now been officially introduced as “the girlfriend” to two of Joe’s most
treasured friends.  It’s kind of like meeting the parents, although both
sets of our parents are dead.  So, meeting close friends is the next best
thing, I guess.

The open house went well.  We stayed for about an hour, long enough to
socialize, short enough for me, the one with social phobia, to start getting
uncomfortable, but Joe left when asked if we could “go.”  Again, he held my
hand or had his arm around my waist while we talked to the other people, so
there was no doubt to anyone about his feelings for me and mine for him.

It’s taken me a while to really believe he loves me.  I think very little of
myself most of the time, and without Ray propping me up, I never feel like I
’m solid ground.  Joe and I really did start seeing each other too soon
after our spouses’ deaths.  We‘re still too close to them and we’re still
married to them and “dating” kind of muddies the waters.  Being so close to
our grief does cause a lot of conflicts.

But it’s getting better.  Each week it gets a little better.  I gain
confidence in myself.  I accept Joe’s love.  And I’m learning he’s JOE and
RAY is RAY and they’re not the same person.  I am MARGARET and I’m not
ALICE.  We’re not the same person.  The cobwebs are gradually clearing for
us and we’re beginning to accept our differences without so much rancor.
Our meetings are beginning to be filled with joy instead of being so full of
conflict.  We’re beginning to fall in love each other without the tension.
We’re slowly, but surely working through the issues.

Joe and I are signing together on the sympathy card for Mark.  That’s a
first, too.  We are gradually establishing ourselves as a couple.

I do love Joe.  I’m learning the curves of his body.  I’m understanding his
moods.  We travel well together.  We cook well together.  We laugh at the
same things.  I think about him all the time.  I’m happy when we’re
together.  Being in love certainly doesn’t change much as we age.  The same
intense feelings are there.  The path to love is familiar and well worn.  It
’s OK.

Fall has abruptly arrived.  Football weather.  It’s been cool and low dark
clouds are raging above me today.  We’ve had spurts of rain.  But the air is
chilly.  I wear pajamas to bed instead of sleeping nude.  I wear socks on my
feet instead of flip-flops.  I’m grabbing my hoodie from the closet as I go
out the door.  I snuggle up against Joe while we sleep and let his love keep
me warm.

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net
margaret.kramer at polarispublications.com
www.polarispublications.com

People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of
life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they
continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive.  It
is as though they were traveling abroad.  ~Marcel Proust
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