TheBanyanTree: It Hurt

[Jim Miller]

Hi Sheri,

I'm pretty slow to reply to what I read on the list, and then usually
privately. I think that this is an issue that touches all of us, and have
decided to reply to the list also.

You were most encouraging to me during my heart issues. I hope that I can
encourage you, if only in a small way. With my heart, death was imminent and
possibly in the next beat, yet it didn't impact my life the way that Cancer
did last year.

It was the first of March. We had completed a surgical biopsy for a growth
in my neck and were waiting for the pathology report which required two
days. Scans had only indicated a mass. My ENT doc called at 7 pm after
receiving the report. I could hear it in his voice. He was rattled after
expecting a report of lymphoma. He assured me that lymphoma has a high rate
of success and is treatable with chemotherapy. What they found was a much
more aggressive cancer which doesn't respond to chemotherapy. The only
option was surgery followed by radiation. After giving me the options, my
doctor said that my choice may be to do nothing. He assured me that choice
is "Life Ending".

The surgery removed all my lymph nodes, a major muscle and several nerves on
the right side of my neck. I have some deformity from the surgery and no
feeling from my right jaw to my arm. Fortunately, I wasn't left with any
paralysis of the right shoulder or my tongue; both a possibility. Seven
weeks of daily radiation left me with damaged salivary glands and constant
dry mouth. As of April 1 I am cancer free for over 1 year.

Sheri, cancer made me think about my mortality like nothing else has. I
reviewed my goals and priorities. I made major changes. I decided what is
important and what isn't. I think about death. I'm prepared to die, but I'm
not ready to die. My children need me. My grand children need me. They and
Linda are what is important now. I no longer think about the cancer
returning. The reality is that one of those microscopic cells may have
escaped and is even now beginning it's accelerated growth. If I live in fear
of that, I won't be living, so I don't fear it. I defy it. I speak publicly.
I write. I trade stocks with my Son. I cook with my granddaughters. I hike
the grand canyon.

Even while I was undergoing radiation and the surgical scars were nearly
healed, people would say, wow, you look great. You look perfectly normal. I
knew that I wasn't. I knew that several times, I may have, should have died.
I don't care what they think or believe. I know the truth. During my heart
issues, I joked about wearing oxygen just so people would say, Oh, you poor
dear. I knew that was foolish. I finally realized that I don't care what
they think. As far as I'll let them know, I'm fine and have always been
fine, until I'm not fine. They may feel better about themselves if they
think that I'm sick and they're not. That's the reality for much of our self
centered society. How pathetic.

Sheri, my heart donor was 44. I'm now 64. For all of us, death is a
certainty, sooner or later. In the mean time, thumb your nose at those who
want to make you feel bad to boost their own petty egos. Live life fully for
as long as you have. I don't know who said this, but I intend to live my
life by it:

	"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in a pretty and well preserved body , but rather to skid in broadside
, thoroughly used up , totally worn out & loudly proclaiming--WOW--WHAT A
RIDE !"

Bless you.
Jim Miller


-----Original Message-----
From: thebanyantree-bounces at lists.remsset.com
[mailto:thebanyantree-bounces at lists.remsset.com] On Behalf Of Sheri Baity
Sent: Thursday, August 28, 2008 6:03 AM
To: thebanyantree at remsset.com
Subject: TheBanyanTree: It Hurt

 
Then he says to me, "Yea, but you weren't really sick.  You didn't have
tumors in your brain or your lungs or anything serious like that.  You
really can't compare."
 
True... he is correct... but for some reason... THAT REALLY HURT ME!
 
I guess this is where a new lesson yet to be learned comes in to play. 
First I have to figure out, Why that hurt me.  Then I have to figure out if
it is even anything worth dealing with or do I just try and whoosh it out of
my head completely, brush it off and go on?  This has left me with guilt of
feeling like I had no right to be scared or I had no right to cry or worry. 
Guilt of, I should not have accepted help from others because I was in no
grave danger.  My mind is just in a whirlwind of thoughts and I can't stop
the spinning long enough to get a grasp.
 
I'm hurt and I don't know if I have the right to feel hurt.
 
It's finally raining here today... maybe through Creator's shower I will be
able to cleanse this mess down the drain.  Or maybe... just maybe since I
wrote this, I will be able to release it now...
 
Maybe...
 
Sheri Crow Woman Baity
 
 
 
 
 


Sheri L Baity
Pro Staff Lohman/Mad Game Calls
Flambeau Outdoors

God Give Me Peace because if you give me strength, I might beat someone do
death!