TheBanyanTree: It Hurt

[Dee Churchill]

May I just add that I was blessed to enjoy a visit a few years ago with Jim
and his beloved Linda. I can tell you all, this man is one of the most
life-affirming people I've ever met.

And, Jim? I totally agree with your "Wow! What a ride!" credo. It's the only
way to go. (grin)

Hugs, Dee ...

On Thu, Aug 28, 2008 at 11:51 AM, Jim Miller <jim at maze.cc> wrote:

> Hi Sheri,
>
> I'm pretty slow to reply to what I read on the list, and then usually
> privately. I think that this is an issue that touches all of us, and have
> decided to reply to the list also.
>
> You were most encouraging to me during my heart issues. I hope that I can
> encourage you, if only in a small way. With my heart, death was imminent
> and
> possibly in the next beat, yet it didn't impact my life the way that Cancer
> did last year.
>
> It was the first of March. We had completed a surgical biopsy for a growth
> in my neck and were waiting for the pathology report which required two
> days. Scans had only indicated a mass. My ENT doc called at 7 pm after
> receiving the report. I could hear it in his voice. He was rattled after
> expecting a report of lymphoma. He assured me that lymphoma has a high rate
> of success and is treatable with chemotherapy. What they found was a much
> more aggressive cancer which doesn't respond to chemotherapy. The only
> option was surgery followed by radiation. After giving me the options, my
> doctor said that my choice may be to do nothing. He assured me that choice
> is "Life Ending".
>
> The surgery removed all my lymph nodes, a major muscle and several nerves
> on
> the right side of my neck. I have some deformity from the surgery and no
> feeling from my right jaw to my arm. Fortunately, I wasn't left with any
> paralysis of the right shoulder or my tongue; both a possibility. Seven
> weeks of daily radiation left me with damaged salivary glands and constant
> dry mouth. As of April 1 I am cancer free for over 1 year.
>
> Sheri, cancer made me think about my mortality like nothing else has. I
> reviewed my goals and priorities. I made major changes. I decided what is
> important and what isn't. I think about death. I'm prepared to die, but I'm
> not ready to die. My children need me. My grand children need me. They and
> Linda are what is important now. I no longer think about the cancer
> returning. The reality is that one of those microscopic cells may have
> escaped and is even now beginning it's accelerated growth. If I live in
> fear
> of that, I won't be living, so I don't fear it. I defy it. I speak
> publicly.
> I write. I trade stocks with my Son. I cook with my granddaughters. I hike
> the grand canyon.
>
> Even while I was undergoing radiation and the surgical scars were nearly
> healed, people would say, wow, you look great. You look perfectly normal. I
> knew that I wasn't. I knew that several times, I may have, should have
> died.
> I don't care what they think or believe. I know the truth. During my heart
> issues, I joked about wearing oxygen just so people would say, Oh, you poor
> dear. I knew that was foolish. I finally realized that I don't care what
> they think. As far as I'll let them know, I'm fine and have always been
> fine, until I'm not fine. They may feel better about themselves if they
> think that I'm sick and they're not. That's the reality for much of our
> self
> centered society. How pathetic.
>
> Sheri, my heart donor was 44. I'm now 64. For all of us, death is a
> certainty, sooner or later. In the mean time, thumb your nose at those who
> want to make you feel bad to boost their own petty egos. Live life fully
> for
> as long as you have. I don't know who said this, but I intend to live my
> life by it:
>
>        "Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
> safely in a pretty and well preserved body , but rather to skid in
> broadside
> , thoroughly used up , totally worn out & loudly proclaiming--WOW--WHAT A
> RIDE !"
>
> Bless you.
> Jim Miller
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: thebanyantree-bounces at lists.remsset.com
> [mailto:thebanyantree-bounces at lists.remsset.com] On Behalf Of Sheri Baity
> Sent: Thursday, August 28, 2008 6:03 AM
> To: thebanyantree at remsset.com
> Subject: TheBanyanTree: It Hurt
>
>
> Then he says to me, "Yea, but you weren't really sick.  You didn't have
> tumors in your brain or your lungs or anything serious like that.  You
> really can't compare."
>
> True... he is correct... but for some reason... THAT REALLY HURT ME!
>
> I guess this is where a new lesson yet to be learned comes in to play.
> First I have to figure out, Why that hurt me.  Then I have to figure out if
> it is even anything worth dealing with or do I just try and whoosh it out
> of
> my head completely, brush it off and go on?  This has left me with guilt of
> feeling like I had no right to be scared or I had no right to cry or
> worry.
> Guilt of, I should not have accepted help from others because I was in no
> grave danger.  My mind is just in a whirlwind of thoughts and I can't stop
> the spinning long enough to get a grasp.
>
> I'm hurt and I don't know if I have the right to feel hurt.
>
> It's finally raining here today... maybe through Creator's shower I will be
> able to cleanse this mess down the drain.  Or maybe... just maybe since I
> wrote this, I will be able to release it now...
>
> Maybe...
>
> Sheri Crow Woman Baity
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Sheri L Baity
> Pro Staff Lohman/Mad Game Calls
> Flambeau Outdoors
>
> God Give Me Peace because if you give me strength, I might beat someone do
> death!
>
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>
>
>