TheBanyanTree: Lady Sings the Blues

[Margaret R. Kramer]

It wasn't a good week for me.  It was hot and dry and now the trees are
showing stress and are losing their leaves.  We finally had some rain on
Saturday, just some light showers off and on, but enough to give the thirsty
garden, trees, and grass a drink.

Of course, we had that bridge collapse.  It was kind of like a mini-9/11.
It was so unexpected and terrible, that we had to stop everything we were
doing and watch it unfold.

So why am I singing the blues?  Well, I don't think I got that other job.
The interviewer had told me in previous emails that he would keep me abreast
of the process.  I hadn't heard from him for almost two weeks, so I sent a
gentle email asking about the status.  His reply email wasn't as friendly as
the others, indicating he had interviewed other people and was going to put
his team together very soon.  I haven't heard anything, so I'm assuming that
I didn't get the job.

I was so sure . . . Even if I didn't take the job, and the only issue would
have been money, honey, I wanted validation that I at the age of 52 am still
a valuable contributor.  If I lost my current job, would I ever get another
job?  I just wanted to know that I still had it.

The second chorus in the blues is that another old boyfriend called me this
week.  I haven't seen him for about 18 years.  We were tight in the past,
but had our problems, too, which is why we aren't together today.  He's the
kind of person that speaks in pleasing sound bites, but when it quiets down,
there isn't anything to hear.

He saw me on classmates.com and gave me a call.  He now lives in NC, but was
in MN last week visiting his sister.  We had a pleasant conversation, but
when I asked him if he wanted to get together, he said, "Well, I'm married!"
OK, now why did he think I was after his a**?!!!!  I responded that I was
married, too, but not to my ex.

Then he asked me to call him to figure out a time to meet.  After I hung up,
I decided to let it go.  If he really wanted to see me, he would have set
something up right then or called me later in the week.  And he never did
call.

My ego is a bit bruised, but I've survived without him for 18 years, I guess
I can survive the rest of my life without him.

Maybe I'm just too picky about people.  It seems people who have lots of
friends are much more forgiving than I am.  I pick people apart until
they're just bones and then reject them.  I know I do it because I have a
horrible fear of rejection.  If I reject first, I won't get hurt as much.

Finally, the last and the saddest chorus of all is about my job.  I went
back to my old team last week.  It wasn't something that I wanted to do, but
that's life in the city.  I thought it strange that my new (old) manager
wasn't talking to me.  Then on Friday, it all came together.  She called me
in her office and told me that I was sent to the architecture team to bring
it under control and to take charge.  She told me that I was entrusted to
herd the cats, but instead, she said, I became one of the cats. She was
extremely disappointed in me that I didn't get the "cats" in line.

Now where does it state in my job description that I have to be a bully?  If
I bullied those guys, they would have withdrawn and done nothing.  We had a
GREAT team and got lots of work done, more than the other teams.  The only
bad thing was that our project manager didn't like our documentation and we
had to re-do it.  That was back in April while Ray was in the hospital and I
was dragging my laptop with me to the hospital in order to fix our
documents.

All this occurred four months ago and I guess there are still repercussions.
My old (architecture) manager was removed as manager and is now helping our
client order software and hardware.  My other teammate is going to help
install and configure a software product.  And finally, the other two will
document the installation of software on the hardware.  We're all broken
apart.

I know from past observations that our project manager manages by fear.
She'll be nice to you in person, but if you do something she doesn't like,
then she finds a way to eliminate you from the project.  It's happened to
other people, and now it's happening to me, even though I'm far down on the
food chain.

My current manager wanted to make sure that she controls this "cat."  I was
given the silent treatment and then not given enough information to do my
job.  Now I've been moved a bit out of her control onto another project for
a while.  That will keep me busy.

I know this psychological maneuvering goes on all the time at work.  In
fact, there's probably more mind games going at most offices than actual
work.  That's why I liked my old team; we were comfortable with each other,
there wasn't any backstabbing or fighting, and we were able to get our jobs
done.  Not to our project manager's liking, but our client was fine with our
work.

I've been under managers like this before, in fact, the bully and
manipulative personalities seem drawn to this type of job.  They hide their
insecurities by whipping the herd.  No cats are allowed.  The sad thing is
that a lot of these people are very competent at what they do and don't need
to ride roughshod.

It's an icky feeling, however, to be under psychological attack.  I hate it.
I'll deal with it like I always have, but it's not fun.  What's wrong with
just getting the work done?

I'm singing the blues today.  I'm hoping if I sing long enough the blues
will slip away.

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net
margaret.kramer at polarispublications.com

In my garden there is a large place for sentiment.  My garden of flowers is
also my garden of thoughts and dreams.  The thoughts grow as freely as the
flowers, and the dreams are as beautiful.
~Abram L. Urban