TheBanyanTree: Call Me

[Maria Gibson]

Man, do I hate waiting for answers.  I fairly and certainly *suck* at 
waiting and when I'm not sure for how long I will have to wait...?  Suck 
even more at that.  I have garnered some patience over the years which 
may be surprising considering how little patience I now have.  Imagine 
how little I had in the past, then.  I hope I can manage to grip on to a 
bit more of that virtue before I get much older because I have a sad 
feeling that impatience is aging me.  Paradoxical, man, groovy.

I entertain myself while waiting impatiently by imagining all the 
possible outcomes.  I start with the least desired and work my way down 
trying to convince myself that their line up order is also the order of 
their likelihood to happen.  Ok, then, the least desired outcome is a 
negative answer.  Oh shit, oh geeze, I'm gonna hate that so I had better 
prepare myself for it and know that it could happen and if it is at the 
top of the chain of possibility and it *does* happen, I will have been 
most prepared for it.  I try and convince myself I'll be least hurt by 
it for all that effort but I'm probably fooling myself quite 
generously.  Brutal, dude.

The second least desired outcome is no answer or a vague answer which 
leaves more questions than the original inquiry.  The no answer is 
torture for me.  Horrible torture resulting in not sleeping, not eating 
and physical symptoms of illness.  Oh, yeah, I can work myself right 
into an old fashioned tizzy over the no answer answer.  You'd think that 
this would be the least desirable but in true torture fashion, I allow 
myself a modicum of hope in the no answer answer.  Perhaps no answer 
will result in a positive answer because God knows the negative answer 
won't result in a positive answer because the door has been shut and 
locked.  So I cling with shredded finger tips to a dangerous cliff 
compounded by the problem that I have a fear of heights.  Brutaler.


The best outcome, the one I wish most for and try not to hope for is the 
positive answer.  Oh, great day in the morning, this is *wonderful*!!!  
It was worth waiting for!  I got what I wanted and I least expected it 
and it is a rich ambrosia!!!   Yeah, this has to remain on the bottom at 
all times where it can't hurt me with its tenacious and ubiquitous 
tentacles.  I have to avoid even the faintest of hope for this lest some 
hopelessness fairy snatches it from me with sharp little ferret teeth 
gouging my ankles.  For such a great thing, the positive answer is a 
beast unless it arrives.  Like a sheep in wolf's clothing it can change 
in an instant which is what you want but the wolf hunts you right up 
until the sheep escapes free.  Whew.  Brutalest.

I hate waiting.

Maria