TheBanyanTree: Month of Sundays

[Maria Gibson]

It almost feels foreign to be home on a Sunday.  I've spent most of the 
last five weekends, except Christmas, out of town.  And Christmas was so 
crazy and filled with events and people that it could in no way be 
confused with a normal routine.   Being an over thinker, I'm struck that 
the one place I should feel the most in place and the most serenely 
comfortable actually feels as if I have landed squarely on the moon.  
Weird with no place to go.

My God, why do I have to be such a high maintenance person emotionally 
and yet be so hard to reach?  I spend a lot of time, it seems, laying 
low on the radar, walking along with my head just barely beneath the 
surface.  I'm aloof.  I'll sit on the fence and not make waves, I'll 
drift along because it's easiest.  I write my passions, I dream my 
passions, I think my passions but I rarely show my passions on the 
surface.  Very easy, indeed, to not have to connect and therefore not 
get hurt.  I don't even know how to be any different until I get to know 
someone and trust that they will accept me the way I am which is about 
as opposite as opposite can get when compared to the daily 
disengagement.  I can swing back and forth and suddenly erupt in an 
emotional volcano.  I'm prone to crying when my heart is touched and 
most especially when my feelings are hurt.  On the daily front, I don't 
let the things that hurt me most show on the outside.  If it hurts me a 
great deal, those who deal with me on a daily basis are likely to never 
know.  What is that?  How can that solve anything?  I go away hurt and 
run the tape in my head over and over again until I come to some 
conclusion on my own, finally resting someplace I can breath without the 
sharp tack of doubt piercing my flesh.  I think I've done this all my 
life as it worked better than confrontation.  I hate being yelled at or 
being around negativity and I think I'd do just about anything to not 
risk enduring it.  Like disconnect on the surface.  The passion, 
however, swings the other way as well.  I can be extremely loving and 
physically passionate getting lost in the moment and wanting to never 
come back.  Like a large and crazy pendulum, I can do both ends.  
Onlookers, however, will swear the clock stopped running.

Anyway, I spent most of Sunday at home.

Maria