TheBanyanTree: Fwd: Round Peg Square Hole

[maria gibson]

Les try this agin

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: maria gibson <spaceforone at gmail.com>
Date: Apr 15, 2006 5:37 PM
Subject: Round Peg Square Hole
To: thebanyantree at remsset.com

 It's strange to go from one of three to one of one.  It has some happy
points and some very sad, heartbreaking points.  I trully doan wanna talk
about that right now.  Have given up therapy because I don't have answers to
questions and I find the therapist won't stop asking them.  So.  Gonezo.

I find comfort in talking to friends and family but have come to realize
that they mostly want me to move back home.  I ask myself why when I was
unhappy there, unhappier than I realized until I left, and why would that be
what they want for me?  But is it that they want it for themselves?  The
world and society and my friends and my family would all be happier and more
content if this, me, piece of their world would right itself.  Myself.
Right itself to status quo and then all could return back to the normal turn
of their world knowing mine is back on axis.

So much to say, so many thoughts running through my head as my laundry runs
through the dryer in my apartment complex.  The thoughts and things unsaid
run through my head as I wander my complex at night, sitting by the pool
smoking by myself and listening to the fountain splash as all around me my
neighbors sleep.  Unspoken but not unthought, my mind races as I walk to
work or the bank or the grocery store.  My mind shouts at me as I vacuum my
own mess, clean my own toilet and wash my own dishes, as few as they are.

I want to spend time with someone who doesn't know me well just to see whom
they discover.  I think it may be someone different but not new.  I have a
disinterested love interest who has provided me with a lot of experiences I
never before encountered, not all good but all welcome as something to
ponder over.  I need something I have no business wanting but am not in any
particular hurry to pursue it which may be why the DLI is kind of handy in
his own way.  Not nice but handy and if I wasn't getting something from
this, I wouldn't keep doing it.  The fact that I can't pin point what it is
I'm getting from it is of less consequence than knowing it has to be
something that I either want, need or crave whether or not it's what's best
for me.  Like so many other things of late, I probably won't be paying much
attention to it until it is biting me so hard in the ass I have blood
pouring down my legs.  That seems to have to be the sense of urgency with
which I am struck before I take action.  So much seems like small stuff of
which I will expend no sweat.

 I'm not gonna shape my roundness to squareness.  I'm just not.  I won't jam
myself into uncomfortable spaces to make the masses more comfortable.  It
ain't gonna happen', Cap'in, as the DLI is fond of saying.  I only know that
this isn't finished but it will be ok in the end.  From here to the end
could be a very long journey with some very not nice things going on but
that happens in life.  Birth, death and all the living in between is messy
and difficult, frought with pain, but in the end it all works out exactly as
it should.  I can wait for it, though, I'm not hurrying this along.

Fuggit.  It'll work out or it won't.

Maria