TheBanyanTree: Just an Average Day

[Woofie]

Hello Idjits,

I hadda go ter work after applyin superglue instead of mascara terday ter
hold me eyes open. That's cuz I hadda work late last night and jes
when I was driftin orf, somewhere around midnight, me work mobile
phone rang. It was the night crew of the ISP we uses at work ter tell
me our link was down. I grumbles to meself and fiddles wid techo stuff
from  home and considers drivin alla way back ter work, listens ter
rain pounding down outside and sez ter meself:

"Bugger em! They can all suffer until termorrer!"

["They" being me dearly beloved users at work]

Anyways, after arriving at work and managing ter save the entire world
from almost certain destruction (wot loosely translated means that I
managed ter fix the prob from the night afore, single handedly, making
me stature appear even more godlike in the adoring eyes of me
worshippers..ie the staff at work), I decided ter have a break and go
fer a walk in the park and take some photos.

Now, I want yers all ter know that me sudden decision ter go fer a
walk inna park and git some fresh air had absolutely nothing to do
with the Reception leddy running up ter me and telling me:

"Oooh!! There is something going on over the road at the Mercan
Embassy...cops everywhere...I just went out to move my car [1]...and
the road is barricaded and cops are stopping folks and questioning
them!!"

No..of course not..I just happened to walk in that direction because
it is a part of the park that has good photographic opportunities:)
Nor did I see any barricade..I am sure they did not mean the thin
line of string along the edge of the road wot was about 6 inches of
the ground and wot I hadda step over.

Strolling along through throngs of cops and fellas in camo outfits, I
looked me usual aimless vacant self. It took them till I had passed
right to the end of where they was all milling around ter realise I
was not one of them, but jes a ordinary garden variety vacant idjit.
However, I finally gort apprehended and hadda show some ID and then
tell em me date of birth (that bloody well hurt, I can tell you!!!)
and give me phone number etc, wot a nice cop leddy writ down
dutifully. I gort questioned as ter me intentions and how I managed
ter get thru their barricade and I jes looked more amiably vacant
than usual and sez:

 "Wot barricade?"

 One cop screams out ter alla rest:

 "There's sposed to be a barricade up! Where is it?!!"

 They finally let me go after I sez ter em:

"Wotever it is I didn't do it!"

As the cop leddy giggled at this, I decided that wotever was goin orn,
it was not real, but jes one of them training scenarios.

I goes back ter work and tells Kickboxer, our boss, about it and he
laughs and asks:

"I hope yer weren't carrying when they stopped you!"

I jes sniffed in disgust at him and said that the only thing I was
carrying was me camera!

Speakin of the boss, terday he took a day's vacation leave ter finish
his uni assignment. Fer some reason, when he does this, he comes ter
work anyways and we has ter pretend he is not there. I mean even iffen
folks is standing there staring at him, we has tell em he is not there
and that they can't really see him. I has finally gort him ter shut
his door when he not there, but there, soze folks know he is not
there, even though he is there. Today his assignment must have been
goin badly cuz he kept escaping from his office and I hadda keep
sending him back in there. In desperation I said to him, after having
to lock him back in there a dozen or so times:

"Look..git back in yer box! I will even lower me standards and do the
secretary thing and bring you coffee when you want it:))"

"Yeah, OK," he agreed, "But only if you come in wearing black
suspenders and fishnet stockings!"

A bit later orn, our nice big boss (not the big big big boss, of whom
I shall speak no words) came wandering in and saw the closed door ter
Kickboxer's Office:

"He is not there," I tells nice big boss, "However, he could be there
if you were to go in carrying him a cup of coffee and wearing black
lace suspenders and fishnet stockings."

Nice big boss wanders off, giggling uncontrollably and clutching
hisself.

One the way home I caught me usual train, the one wot is allus
studded with assorted loonies. The loonies all work in various
sheltered workshops and stuff and they is all lovely folks. We
regulars all know them, but they can be a bit offputting to non
regulars catching the train.

Darren, the young dude who is a schizophrenic ( I think) sat next to
me. No Darren is not an Indian call centre guy, in case you are
wondering, even though all Indian call centre guys are called Darren
or Michael (even the female ones!). Darren always wrestles with the
demons occupying his head and has loud and often angry arguments with
them. He was having one of his usual conversations with them and doing
10 different voices at once (he has a real gift for mimicry) and he
suddenly turns to some dude  (not one of the regular commuters)
standing in the aisle next to us:

"Excuse me!" he sez to the dude and tapping him on the arm.

"What?" sez the dude turning around.

"You have a rat in your back pocket!"

The dude spins around and grabs his arse and looks in his pocket:

"Yeah," continues Darren, "It must have crawled up your leg and got
into your pocket that way!"

I tell you, folks, it was just so tempting to add to the moment by
agreeing with Darren and telling the dude what a big rat it was etc
etc, but thankfully I was too busy containing me not unsubstantial
mirth.

[1] Parking is the bane of us lowlies..because we are lowlies we are
not allotted parking bays at work. The only way to score a bay is to
take out a heavy. This gets a bit messy and the paper shredder keeps
jamming. Barring that we either have to take public transport (and
enjoy the antics of the Darrens of this world) or play musical parking
in the streets around the building. This means shifting your car every
hour or so to avoid parking fines.
  

-- 
Best regards,
 Woofie                          mailto:woofess at remsset.com

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"The one constant in life is absurdity" - Woofie - 30/4/02
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Website: http://www.woofess.com
Photos: http://public.fotki.com/woofie/