TheBanyanTree: One Woman's Crisis...

[Pam North]

A great friend of mine is going through a 'crisis' of sorts, in this, which
she evidently feels, is the mid-point of her life. And she's having a great
time of it! She's out and about, meeting new people, living new experiences.
As a friend who loves her unconditionally and totally, I don't judge her
actions, or even counsel her (much). I watch her and listen to her. And I
just find her simply amazing.
 What is a 'mid-life crisis'? When you wake up one day and decide that you
don't like where you life is, and so you start making changes and looking
for more?? I'm not so sure she's making a lot of changes, though I think she
really is looking. Inside of herself, and outside in the world. And I'm
jealous of the freedom that she's given herself.
 Not everything that she's doing is especially 'good' or 'healthy'; some
might even find her behavior self-destructive at times. But she's given
herself the freedom to search, wherever that search happens to take her, and
I sit back and watch. Not free at all, a prisoner in my skin.
 I'm only a couple of years older than she is. So, I guess this is somewhere
around the 'mid-point' of my life as well, if I don't kill myself off before
my time. And this isn't where I wanted to be when I got here. Alone.
Depressed. Scared for myself. Locked up inside, and afraid to move on.
Locked in my house, having no motivation to go out - anywhere! - and be with
people. If I'm going to judge anybody, I should judge my own
self-destructive ways. And I do, oh yes I do! I judge myself constantly, and
not very nicely.
 I'm not searching. I'm not looking for anything. I think it's because I
just don't care. What would I find? I don't believe it would be better, and
I don't think I could stand finding out it was worse.
 If this is my crisis, I want to trade with her.
 Pam