TheBanyanTree: Shave Warning

[Maria Gibson]

I am on a quest for smooth.  Smooth legs and armpits, hairless tummy and 
a closely cropped *ahem*.  I went to WalMart and bought a 'personal 
groomer' from the beauty aisle.  Should be an isle as it seems a land 
far away.  Lotions and potions and crap of all kinds to make one 
gorgeous, wrinkless, clean, aromatic and yes, hairless.  I paid for my 
groomer, tucked it under other good girl/good mommy stuff such as milk, 
bread and eggs and carried on my way.


Only to be stopped by the beeping at the door.  The grizzled old guy 
says "Did ya buy anything from the health and beauty aisle?"  Oh, yeah, 
I sure did.  I bought something to closely crop my *ahem* and now I have 
to haul that sucker out from under good mommy products such as milk, 
bread and eggs so he can get a gooooood look at it and take three 
freakin' days to record the numbers from the package which it seems he 
held in the air high above his head and announced with a megaphone 
"*AHEM* CROPPER FROM HEALTH AND BEAUTY FOUND IN MOMMY POSER CART MAKES 
BEEP AT DOOR"


Ok.  Maybe I exaggerate.  A little.  But it was embarrassing.



So, home I go with all my little goodies and one beep causing cropper 
thingie.  I put away the milk, bread and eggs like a good wife and 
mother and took the contraband to my bathroom.  Where it silently 
waited.  To crop.  Eventually.

Today, I shed light on that bad boy.  Yes, I come to you a smoother (not 
to mention less wrinkled, clean and aromatic) version of the girl I have 
previously been.  You want to know, don't you?  Yes.  I am cropped.  But 
this feat has not come without injury because those little gadgets don't 
come with any instructions or warnings.  I asked friends that shave and 
crop how they decide how to go about this task.  See, a gal of my 
generation, which would be a very proud forty two years old, doesn't 
know about a hairless world.  In this day and time, young men and women 
don't care much for hair, turns out, while back in my day we loved it in 
all the right places and on the right people, mostly men.  Young ones 
today depilate, shave, wax and pluck mentionables and unmentionables 
alike and not without gusto.  I used to find this a little perplexing 
but time has made it grow on me.  That and media ads showing all manner 
of bodies without hair.  I've gotten used to the concept.  I am forty 
two but not without an open mind, after all.


I was advised to buy a Playboy magazine to check out various *ahem* 
patterns.  Seems there's a 'runway' or 'strip' option, a 'vee' option 
and then the 'all or nothing, we'll go with nothing' option.  I'm sure 
there are more options, I just don't know what they are and really, too 
many choices just confuse me and I only have one item to work with so 
one option is all I need.  And, I don't really want to buy a porn mag, 
even a soft porn mag, and so I have gone with gut instinct.  Well, if 
it's a runway, I don't think anything is gonna land there.  And, if it's 
a vee, it's barely recognizable as a letter of the alphabet.  It's 
definitely not a strip.  I think I have come up with an all together 
different option which is ok.  I don't really want my *ahem* to look 
like all the other *ahems* out there, do I?  No.  So, I have a 
customized crop job that, while is kinda cute on the other side of the 
ordeal, wasn't easy to achieve.  Seems, that a 'guard' for the gadget is 
in name only and one can actually nick themselves in EXtremely tender 
places.  Oh yeah, I nicked.  And bled a little.  It was a tough job but 
someone hadda do it.


So, my advice to you is this: if you need to pare the hair, as it were, 
go ahead and get the personal groomer but not from anywhere where they 
take that beep at the door seriously.  Buy the soft porn for prior 
advice because once you get to cutting and cropping, it is easy to get 
carried away.  Not like there are paint by number lines to guide one 
with under all that fuzz, after all.  And, finally, be prepared to bleed 
a little for the goal you seek.  I mean, nothing worth having (or 
unhaving) comes easily, right?


Maria