TheBanyanTree: from the Technology Challenged

[Monique]

I propose a tax deduction. A technology tax deduction. I’m sure I’m
proposing this to no good end, but I don’t really care. This is an
important issue that must be attended to, and who better to bring it up
in polite company?
 
I think I should get a credit on my taxes for every hour I spend
negotiating with technology providers to give me the services I have
paid for. My normal hourly rate would work just fine. After all, I’m not
greedy. Of course, better yet would be the technology service providers
giving me credit and free services, but that’s not likely to happen, is
it? On the other hand, the tax code is already such a frightful mess
that one more little change isn’t going to be noticed much, except by
those of us who want to take advantage of it. (Isn’t it like that for
much of the tax code? Only my friends who do taxes on a regular basis
can keep up with what’s going on out there.) 
 
So for this week I would get a substantial credit on my taxes, which
will come in handy. Between computers and DSL and cell phones and even
home security systems, my time has rapidly evaporated to where billable
hours are little more than a dream. 
 
I just called my DSL provider. They said, on last Tuesday, it would be 7
to 10 days before my DSL was active. I was a bit peeved, since they
hadn’t mentioned this delay when I’d talked to them earlier about it.
They said that “everything” would be taken care of on the 25th, which
was the date of the move. By this they meant the “phone,” which is
something that doesn’t interest me all that much since it’s only my fax
machine. Frankly, I do quite well without a fax machine. It’s the
Internet I can’t live without. It’s the Internet I cannot have until my
7 to 10 days are up. When they said 7 to 10, they meant 10. Today’s
phone conversation confirmed that supposedly tomorrow is the magic day.
I’ll believe it when I see it. 
 
That portion of the call only took a quarter of an hour or so, once I
navigated the menu properly to find a person who could answer a
question. My next question, however, was a bit trickier, and for that I
had to be transferred to the billing department. Yesterday I received,
in the mail, a wonderful piece of technology from my DSL provider. It’s
wireless. It’s a router. It’s all things to all people, and it has many
lights and inputs/outputs and all sorts of things. I did not ask for
this. My computer guy has replaced my old Linksys router with a Wireless
Linksys router, and I have the old modem. Things are fine, except for
the fact that there’s nothing THERE to connect them to. Of course, when
I received this marvelous gift in the mail, I was overcome by that male
side of me that says, “Quick! Turn it on! See what it does! Maybe with
THIS I’ll have DSL!” As if DSL is dependent more on what sort of
technology I have plugged in than on the fact that someone at Verizon
hasn’t flt like flipping a switch yet. (Yeah, I’m sure there’s more to
it, but I’m a consumer and I don’t care.) 
 
Of course, this meant unplugging everything else and replugging into the
new equipment. Which came, I might add, without instructions, other than
a CD with a 95 page document that would tell me everything I ever wanted
to know, if I cared to look at it. What I ended up with was a whole lot
of cables going in a lot of different directions and now they are all
inextricably linked in some sort of weird version of twister that
frightens me almost as much as the thought of moving again. And guess
what? Nothing worked. Of course. I have no DSL. 
 
So when I was transferred to the billing department so I could ask them
what they were charging me for this new piece of equipment and what was
that? $49.95? Okay, I’d like to return it please, since I didn’t ask for
it in the first place . . . what happened? Loud annoying music was
played for quite a long while (estimated wait time was 5 minutes, but
that was apparently not in human time), then it rang, then it was quiet,
then after a bit of nothing, I was disconnected. Well. That was
productive. I’m thinking they’ll assume that I’ll realize it’ll be
cheaper for me in the long run if I just do some billable hours and pay
for the darn thing. 
 
Let’s talk about my cell phone. Just before I moved it was behaving
badly. Static was so bad no one could hear me, or I them. This is my
primary phone. My business phone. This is what I use to keep in touch
with civilization. (Such as it is.) Of course, to get the cell phone
company’s attention I had to call them. On the phone. (I might also
mention that when I was on hold with my DSL provider they were kind
enough to provide me the web address of where I could go to deal with
this problem online. The problem being: I HAVE NO ONLINE.) Anyway, so I
reached them. Told them their phone was crap, to please send another.
They said sure, no problem, 7 to 10 days (which seems to be a standard
in the industry).
 
When only 7 days had passed and I received a new phone in the mail I was
so excited. I was. Really. Until I tried to put the thing together. They
sent a new phone all right, but without a back, their reasoning being I
could use the back from the old phone, along with, of course, the SIM
card. This is a fine theory. But they sent me a different phone than
what I had and the back that I had does not fit on that model.
 
Boy oh boy. Am I asking too much here?
 
This cell phone provider has stores all over the place. Every corner has
a store with this company’s name emblazoned in huge letters over the
front. So we went to one with the new and old phones. Turns out, these
stores are a façade only. There is nothing inside other than guys
selling phones. I explained the problem. The guy said he could see if
they had a back in the back. He checked. A cell phone store, and they
had no back in the back. Okay. That makes sense. He then did all that he
could to ensure I was a happy customer. He called customer service and
handed me the phone.
 
Boy oh boy. I’m not sure if my customer service rep was awakened from a
nap or if he was having an off day or if his normal self is that of
stoned surfer dude who’s really not into this for any discernible reason
other than his daddy made him get a job, but that was one painful
conversation. Long lapses in the conversation where I would find myself
saying, “Hello? Is anyone there?” “HELLO?” I think he kept wandering off
to get a smoke or something, I don’t know. He eventually agreed to send
me the correct phone. In 7 to 10 days.
 
After realizing that the old phone didn’t work well and the new phone
didn’t have a back, we opted to use the new phone and returned to the
cell phone store for a cover so the insides wouldn’t fall out. Another
helpful guy tried to sell us on one of the more expensive ones. We found
a lower priced option and said, “We’ll take this.” It’s just for 7 to 10
days after all, do I need gen-u-ine leather? 
 
Okay. Also on this week’s schedule of events was a hard drive failure on
my desktop computer. So there’s that. One computer in the ER. And the
alarm system. Apparently all of our zones are not wired. We have three
zones. Lower level zone, where my office is, front door zone, garage
zone, and upstairs zone. Okay, that’s four, but two of those are the
same zone. Only the front door works. Alarm guy was to come yesterday.
He was late, and I had an emergency client to go visit (though not a
billable one, because the work I had done for her was on the desktop
when it crashed and I had to redo the work), so I took the dog with me
so she wouldn’t attempt to, say, eat him. I also had to take my laptop
with me so I could download my mail through some unsuspecting insecure
network. When dog and I returned later, we found the credenza in my
office pushed away from the wall, again, and the upstairs motion sensor
no longer sensing motion. And the cover on the alarm open. And nothing
else. 
 
Not knowing if the alarm guy was coming back or not, I had to take dog
with me when I left to go see another client. (At last! Billable hours!)
When we returned later that day, there was no sign of any changes. Has
the alarm system been repaired? I don’t know. I don’t even know how it
works. So I suppose I’ll have to call maintenance up, again, and ask
them. 
 
I do have my computer back from the shop. The first thing I did to test
it out was install Sim City. I know, it’s not like I don’t have all
those other work related things I’m supposed to be doing. So I installed
it. 
 
And Sim City doesn’t open. I get a “checking system config” notice on
the screen then back to where I started. Now I’ll have to start
installing versions of QB and see if those work.
 
I’m at a loss here. Am I cursed? Am I destined to be lost in a
technology void? Should I pack it all in and find a career that doesn’t
require any technology? And what might that be? Maybe I could be a
Buddhist monk. That might work. Of course, I’m sure they’re using
computers and cell phones and wireless this and that now too. I’m not
surrendering yet though. Check back with me in a week though.
 
Monique
Hoping for a Wired Wireless Tomorrow. Desperately.