TheBanyanTree: Interventions of the surgical variety

[Monique]

Forget the steenkin' surgery.

Who needs it? 

I am not a big fan of surgical intervention, but that's only because it
involves scalpels and other sharp pointy objects and requires a long
convalescence. If it weren't for those two factors, surgery would be on my
top list of fun things to do in my spare time. It's already a pretty big
list, but I could make room for more fun activities IF surgery qualified. 

But it doesn't.

And then there's the alternative, which I was told today would save me
considerable trouble, pain, time out from work, and expense, and would cost
me just a bit of my dignity.

I made that last part up. I have given up all pretense of being concerned
about my dignity. It's a lost cause.

Anyway, back to healing. I have been told, just today, by a practitioner in
the herbal arts, that if I just pay her for a "healing" and take some herbs,
this thing inside of me will just go away. Just melt away, as if it never
even existed. 

(I did not go to the herbalist's place of business to ask about this, but to
find out if a business matter was dealt with yet. It hasn't been.) 

Imagine that. Here I am, scheduled for surgery, and it turns out that it's
completely unnecessary. Another dastardly plot by the medical profession!
They want my ovary and whatever's attached to it so badly that they're
willing to cut me open and take it when I could just chew on some fennel and
be all better. Or is it marjoram? I don't know. Are those herbs? Or spices?
I forget which is which. It's a conspiracy, that's what it is. Oh sure, they
SAY there's something there that must come out so they can see what it is
and if anything else, other than the one ovary, must come out also, but what
they don't tell me is that this thing can be dissolved within days by the
mere ingestion of a few select herbs. Parsley maybe? I am a big proponent of
garlic, but that's mostly to keep the vampires away. Catnip? 

How much do you want to bet that within days of my surgery you can pick up a
barely used ovary on the black market? (I'm not sure where the black market
on body parts IS, though I do suspect it isn't widely advertised, which
would explain why I've not been able to find it yet.)

I'm on to them now though. Did they think I wouldn't find out? Did they
think I would just submit to their invasive techniques without question? Did
they really think I'd fall for their innocuous little comments about "we
think it's benign but it has walls, so we'll have the cancer surgeon there .
. . " without me saying, "HEY! Why don't you just give me some herbs and we
can forget about it?"

Yeah, what's with the surgery thing? Do they enjoy cutting people open? They
must. It's an odd hobby, but I've heard of worse. Just last week I met
someone who collects old tv dinner trays. Talk about weird hobbies . . . but
that's another subject.

Surgery. My first reaction, when the doctor was talking to me about it, was
"They obviously have me confused with someone else." My second thought was,
"Oh, CRAP!" I missed much of what she said because I was busy with my
internal dialogue, but I got the basic idea. Something big there, must come
out. She even showed me where they'd slice. Isn't that nice? Yeah, it made
me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. In several weeks I'm not sure how warm
and fuzzy I'll be feeling, but I'm thinking less so.

Unless I just take the damn catnip and get it over with that way.

M