TheBanyanTree: Weird Woofdenites

[Woofie]

The WoofDen seems ter attract odd critters, sort of like how bees is
attracted ter nectar and ants is attracted ter the dawgs' dinner
bowls. Most of the non primate inhabitants is weird..fer example,
Rusty the Bullet Dawg, who walks around carrying a slice of stale
toast between her front teeth fer hours and days. Then there is Gonzo,
the horse, who loves pizza, lamb curry, red wine and Mr Whippy
icecreams. In fact Gonzo used to ambush the Mister Whippy van every
sunday afternoon and stand at the serving hatch waiting for his
icecream. It used to freak out the poor Mister Whippy Man.

To make matters worse, it is not only the non primate inhabitants who
are weird...it is also the primate inhabitants..ie the ones wid two
legs wot doan have feathers. Take Spinifex Blossom fer example.
Spinifex Blossom lives here when she is not doing wotever she does in
the middle of the Great Sandy Desert. The Great Sandy Desert is the
hottest place in Australia and also one of the hottest places in the
world. Spinifex Blossom does have an excuse fer being loony, but. Her
brain juices is prolly all fermented from the desert heat.

Anyways, a few weeks ago, Spinifex Blossom  flies home from the desert
(despite all intelligence to the contrary, she does not fly a
broomstick) and announces....

"I visited a tattoo parlour..whaddya think of me tattoo?"

For some reason she had visited a tattoo parlour in Thailand whilst
over there at one of them health farm thingies (Ain't the Woofden farm
healthy enuff fer her??!!!). Anyways, here we was waiting fer her ter
drop her dacks and display a tattoo of the Queen Mary orn her bum.
However, the knickers never gort dropped and Spouse and me stood there
waiting patiently fer her ter show us her new skin art.

We waited and waited and she waited and waited and stared and stared
at us and there was this great time lapse effect of suspended
animation going orn....

Finally Spinifex Blossom gave up waiting fer us ter react ter wotever
we was supposed ter be reacting to, wot we had no idea wot it was
wotever it was....

"Look!" she screeches, "I has had me eyebrows tattooed!!"

We stares at her eyebrows....but in vain...neither of us could see any
flowers, hearts, devils, battleships or wotnots tattooed on her
eyebrows.

"I think they is tattooed too dark!" she wails.

We looks more carefully...she had had eyebrows tattooed orn her
eyebrows!!

I jes shook me head but nodded politely, deciding it was best ter
humour her in this state..why anyone would want to have eyebrows
tattooed orn their eyebrows was quite beyond me limited lupine brain.
Natchurly I subscribed it too the brain fermentation wot occurs in 140
plus Fairyheight degrees.

Over the following weeks, I would occasionally remember it and be
stunned anew, but for the most part I would put it down to the
expected aberrations of Woofdenites.

Tonight Krazy Kiwi came over for dinner and a slide night. Krazy Kiwi
is crazy, but her insanity is perfectly acceptable and understandable,
because she comes from Maori stock and Maoris is all insane from
eating humans...they all suffers from scrapie, wot is similar ter mad
cow disease, ceptin you gits it from eating humans, not cows. When she
is not being crazy, Krazy Kiwi is a brilliant underwater photographer.
This means we was all looking forward ter her latest slide slow. What
is also good is that you can git Krazy Kiwi ter put on a slide show
iffen yer promises her a feed of potatoes. After eating humans gort
banned, Maoris switched their allegiance ter taters, classifying
taters as the "other white meat".

Anyhows, there I was, makin dinner...a special tater dish...and Krazy
Kiwi and Spinifex Blossom was yappin away and I jes happened ter
overhear their conversation....

"It was sooooo painful!" screeched Spinifex Blossom.

"I didn't find it painful at all," replies Krazy Kiwi, "Was jes like
lil bee stings..."

"What was?" I asked, interrupting.

"When I had me eyebrows tattooed," explains Krazy Kiwi.

"WHEN YOU HAD YOUR EYEBROWS TATTOOED??"  I screams in amazement.

"Yeah," agrees Krazy Kiwi, "When me eyelashes was done, that was a bit
more sensitive, but not bad.,.."

"YOU HAD YOUR EYEBROWS AND EYELASHES TATTOOED?" I screams even louder.

"Yeah," says Krazy Kiwi, "It means I doan have to use eyeliner any
more and folks is amazed me "mascara" doan run when I rubs me eyes!"

"I DOAN BELIEVE THIS!!!!" I squawks, nearly dropping alla dinner onna
floor!, "THIS IS FREAKIN WEIRD!!!!!!!!"

Two pairs of tattooed eyebrows just stared at me in amazed
consternation. It was as though they was sane and I was the loony one!

I slapped me non tattooed eyebrows, took a deep breath, collected
meself and served dinner. All through dinner I was thinkin ter meself
that the whole world was wearin tattooed eyebrows and that it was all
a global plot ter send me totally insane...gloomy paranoid thots beset
me, even through the dessert course wot was a yummy cheesecake wot KK
had brought.

After dinner, KK organised all her bits and pieces and gort ready ter
show her slides....we was all seating ourselves, when she lets out a
great oath...sounded like one of them Maori war whoops and we nearly
all fell orf our chairs....

"ARRRGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" she screamed, "I FORGORT THE BLOODY
PROJECTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

This was followed by lots of "eff" incantations and "I CAN'T BELIEVE I
DROVE ALL THIS WAY AND FORGOT THE PROJECTOR! I AM LOSING MY MIND!!"

"Never mind," I sez happily, "Let's wotch a movie instead..I gort
"Connie and Carla" here.

Ah yes folks...it is obvious that tattooing yer eyebrows causes yer
brain cells ter be destroyed:)))))

PS....termorrer I will post a pic of the two tattooed tarts in their
normal weird poses....:))


  

-- 
Best regards,
 Woofie                          mailto:woofess at remsset.com

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"The one constant in life is absurdity" - Woofie - 30/4/02
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Website: http://www.woofess.com
Photos: http://public.fotki.com/woofie/