TheBanyanTree: A Bag of Farts

[Bonnie Brace]

A Bag of Farts


Having a chronic illness is difficult and tedious. Sometimes you have to
find the humor in the little things in order to cope with the bigger things
that come along and kick you in the ass.

About fourteen years ago I became very ill which resulted in lots of
surgeries which resulted in lots of pain, worry and finally when it was all
said and done a transverse colostomy. I guess it was good I didn't really
know what a colostomy was at the time, all I knew was that I needed one and
that it would save my life. I was all for saving my life. I was tired of
"dying".

Imagine my surprise when I finally awoke, after my 5th surgery to find a
hole in my right side with this little mini butt sticking out. The official
name is Stoma but Mini Butt was the name I gave her. It was actually my
large intestine but it looked like a mini butt to me. Attached to my skin
was a plastic bag which was placed over Mini Butt. This was to catch the
days waste that would come out of my body since my regular pooper was now
officially on a 2 year vacation.

So here I was in my early 30's recovering from a 3 month hospital stay, 5
abdominal surgeries, and I'm sent home with a bag attached to my side that
shit comes out of. What's a girl to do?? I had several choices. I could
either sit around and be sorry for myself and make this bag my enemy or the
bag and I could become best friends and together we could take on the world.
I chose the later.

Finding the correct bag took time. There were experiments and many trips to
the hospital, but thank goodness for the Ostomy nurse who was persistent as
well as creative. She finally came up with just the right bag for me. It had
a lid in the front that I could open (picture a Tupperware cover) in order
to burp it when it filled up with air. Because I couldn't fart the regular
way any more Mini Butt could, so the bag would fill up with air. Since the
bag was small it would puff out, and in order for it to not be noticeable
under my clothes I would have to burp the bag. If I was in a public place I
would go into the bathroom, or if I was home I would just open it and
release the gas. Imagine your worst fart ever, now imagine that smell
condensed 4 times. That is what a bag fart smells like. Not a pleasant smell
at all.

As I said earlier You have to find humor in the little things so on occasion
when I would get in a real funky mood or when my family would tick me off I
would burp my bag near them. It was great way to get them to leave me alone.
Just threatening to "burp the bag" was enough to bring laughter to the
house. (There is just something about farts men and kids love.) Sometimes I
even used the threat of "burping the bag" as a discipline.

" If you don't cut it out I will burp my bag. or if you don't clean your
room I will go in your room and burp my bag!!"

I loved it when we traveled as a family in the car. Particularly on cold
days when the windows were up and the heat was on. Then I had a captive
audience. There was no way anyone could escape me. A car full of family,
what more can you ask for? I would wait for that perfect moment. That
infinitesimal moment where everyone is caught up in the singing and laughter
and then I would quietly "burp my bag" and wait for someone to say
something.

First the singing and laughter would slowly stop. Then for just one small
moment dead silence...

"Who cut the... OH GAWD MOM BURPED HER BAG AGAIN!!!! QUICK OPEN THE
WINDOWS!!"

*gasp, gasp, gasp,* as the rush of fresh air flowed thru the car along with
peals of laughter.