TheBanyanTree: A Bag of Farts by B. Brace

[Sharon Mack]

I am sending this for B. Brace.  Her computer is not working for some
reason and she is unable to send this to the Tree.


A Bag of Farts


Having a chronic illness is difficult and tedious. Sometimes you have
to find the humor in the little things in order to cope with the bigger
things that come along and kick you in the ass. 

About fourteen years ago I became very ill which resulted in lots of
surgeries which resulted in lots of pain, worry and finally when it was
all said and done a transverse colostomy. I guess it was good I didn't
really know what a colostomy was at the time, all I knew was that I
needed one and that it would save my life. I was all for saving my life.
I was tired of "dying". 

Imagine my surprise when I finally awoke, after my 5th surgery to find
a hole in my right side with this little mini butt sticking out. The
official name is Stoma but Mini Butt was the name I gave her. It was
actually my large intestine but it looked like a mini butt to me.
Attached to my skin was a plastic bag which was placed over Ms. Mini
Butt. This was to catch the days waste that would come out of my body
since my regular pooper was now officially on a 2 year vacation. 

So here I was in my early 30's recovering from 5 abdominal surgeries,
and I'm sent home with a bag attached to my side that shit comes out
of. What's a girl to do?? I had several choices. I could either sit
around and be sorry for myself and make this bag my enemy or the bag and
I could become best friends and together we could take on the world. I
chose the latter. 

Finding the correct bag took time. There were experiments and many
trips to the hospital, but thank goodness for the Ostomy nurse who was
persistent as well as creative. She finally came up with just the right
bag for me. It had a lid in the front that I could open (picture a
Tupperware cover) in order to burp it when it filled up with air. Since
the bag was small it would puff out and in order for it to not be
noticeable under my clothes I would have to burp the bag. If I was in a
public place I would go into the bathroom, or if I was home I would just
open it and release the gas. Imagine your worst fart ever, now imagine
that smell condensed 4 times. That is what a bag fart smells like. Not a
pleasant smell at all. 

As I said earlier You have to find humor in the little things so on
occasion when I would get in a real funky mood or when my family would
tick me off I would burp my bag near them. It was great way to get them
to leave me alone. Just threatening to "burp the bag" was enough to
bring laughter to the house. (There is just something about farts men
and kids love.) Sometimes I even used the threat of "burping the
bag" as a discipline.

" If you don't cut it out I will burp my bag. or if you don't
clean your room I will go in your room and burp my bag!!" 

I loved it when we traveled as a family in the car. Particularly on
cold days when the windows were up and the heat was on. Then I had a
captive audience. There was no way anyone could escape me. A car full of
family, what more can you ask for? I would wait for that perfect moment.
That infinitesimal moment where everyone is caught up in the singing and
laughter and then I would quietly "burp my bag" and wait for someone
to say something. 

First the singing and laughter would slowly stop. Then for just one
small moment dead silence...

"Who cut the... OH GAWD MOM BURPED HER BAG AGAIN!!!! QUICK OPEN THE
WINDOWS!!" 

*gasp, gasp, gasp,* as the rush of fresh air flowed thru the car along
with peals of laughter.

May your days and nights be filled with joy and laughter.

<>>>>>>>>>>>-------------B.