TheBanyanTree: Dear Dogs and Cats,

[Sharon Mack]

My niece sent me this today...thought it said it all.....:-) at least
for us pet lovers.....


Dear Dogs and Cats, 

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two of you in the way. 

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest. 

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I
fall faster than you can run. 

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure
your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can
actually curl up in a ball. 

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out
to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight
out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used
is nothing but sarcasm. 
 
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. 

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. 

In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years - canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory. 
 
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cats' butt.
I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you. 
 
You have no business jumping into my lap or running at me and throwing
yourself into me when I come home with my hands full of groceries. No,
it is NOT cute. 

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...

Rules for Non Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:


1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.   (That's why they call it "fur"niture.) 

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and
cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the
time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your
car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't smoke or drink, don t
worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't 
need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can
sell the results.