TheBanyanTree: Borderland - December 27, 2004

[Monique]

Stew was talking to his mom the other day, before Christmas. Not talking,
chatting online. Same diff around here. Reduces the phone bill quite a bit. 

He hadn't had the easiest day. I was on my day off, traveling around with my
SO, but checking in with Stew now and then, making sure he was okay. SO and
I did Christmas shopping and had dinner. On the way home, Stew called me
and, like I said, hadn't been having a good day anyway. And his mom was
driving him, he said, crazy while chatting online.

This is not an unusual occurrence. Why, just today she got me online and,
well . . . let's not even go there. Anyway, this is not unusual. I asked
what she was doing this time. 

She has a problem with Christmas. Lousy childhood, bad memories, she doesn't
like it, has a lot of stress as it approaches, all of the typical stuff.
Understandable. But this was the fun part: The woman does not believe she
needs therapy because she is, she says, comfortable with herself, with what
she has, her problems, she says, are part of her so why try to change? But
she wanted Stew to talk to his therapist about her problem. About what was
causing it and what could be done. 

I did not hesitate. "Log off now," I said, "just stop talking to her." 

He won't do that of course. It's rude. Well, he might. We all have our
limits, after all. 

He needed reassurance, needed to know if he was supposed to talk to his
therapist about her problems. I told him no way, no how, he doesn't pay the
guy huge sums of money so they can discuss Stew's mother's problems, and
it's something she has to deal with. He knew that, he just needs independent
verification at times. She kept pushing him, and talking about it, and
frankly, he has enough issues without that. She'd kept him online for quite
awhile, being annoying about it, before he called me.

He wanted to cut. Very much so. The stress had been building up as it was,
it being that time of year, and she wasn't helping. Sure, she needs someone
to talk to, but she needs to get her own therapist. We can't, either Stew or
I, do it. 

Of course we, meaning SO and I, made him laugh. Andrew is always talking
when I have Stew on the phone, offering suggestions that may not make any
sense at all but can be quite amusing, and so we made him laugh. And I
reassured him that her problems are not his problems, that she has to deal
with her own, find her own therapist, and next time she's inclined to use
him as her therapist, to just turn her off. He doesn't need that. Sheesh.
Like he doesn't have enough problems. 

After talking to me he didn't feel like cutting anymore. 

He did cut a day or so later, but at least we forestalled it that time. 

I swear, if that woman doesn't get her own therapist I'm going to have to
say something to her myself. And I'd rather not . . . it's not, after all,
my responsibility. But I can't let her stress him out like that. It isn't
right. I'll work on teaching him to log off when she becomes unruly. When he
becomes uncomfortable with what she's saying. When she won't listen to what
he's saying and keeps going her own way. There are times when his parents
have to communicate with me because he's not up to it. Well, someone has to
do it. 

Though I'm thinking of hiring myself a go-between. 

Monique