TheBanyanTree: The Schizophrenia Diaries

[Monique]

April 30, 2004
 
A short entry. 
 
So much time has passed since we started this journey. At times it
seemed it would just go on as it had, a ceaseless circle, but we've been
making progress. 
 
We have some separation anxiety issues. I'm not available as much as
he's used to me being available, and he misses me. Changes are underway,
as they always are in life, and it's just dealing with those ongoing
changes that presents some of his biggest challenges. We carry on, we do
the best we can. I'm not GOING anywhere, after all, but with changes
sometimes it's hard to see that. I have the same issues, so I
understand. 
 
He's meeting with his therapist right now. His therapist decided he
wasn't needed as much, and has cut back his visits to every other week.
This is also a huge money savings of course. But he's right - I think
Stew is dealing with his issues very well, he's self-aware, he has a lot
of sadness, anger, fear, frustration, and it frustrates him even more
that he doesn't know where it all comes from or what to do with it all,
but I think that considering the circumstances, he's doing well with it.
He's definitely borderline, and his emotions can be overwhelming. Meds
help I suppose - I hope so.
 
The weather is warm today, and it's beautiful outside, and I told him to
enjoy his day, not to worry about work anymore. I had him working for a
few days, and I know it was hard, but he did it, and I could tell it was
stressing him very much, it's not a feeling I'm unfamiliar with after
all, but he got through it. I'm taking some time off today myself.
Feeling guilty about it of course, but not so much that it's not worth
it. If I don't take advantage of time to enjoy myself now, then when?
There is no time like the present. It's here now, it's what we have
today, and I can't put it off until I think I've earned the right to
enjoy it because, knowing me, that'll never come. I'll never think I've
earned anything if I listen to myself.
 
I'm going out to play. If the work's undone, the work's undone. 
 
Monique