TheBanyanTree: Change
Monique Colve
monique.colver at gmail.com
Sat Feb 5 19:46:00 PST 2022
I've been recovering from I don't know what, but all week I've been unable remember Canute's name! For days! It's hilarious - poor dog. I'll call him Ash, or Dog, or hey you, then I'll remember and blurt out "Canute!" I try to keep my brain active, but my short term memory is s***. People will say, "oh, I do that too!" But no. That was just an example. It's constant with the newer things I have to remember. Having a conversation with me requires a lot of patience and guessing! I forget I had a recent knee surgery and I've been walking around like it's all better!
Monique
Sent from my iPad
> On Feb 5, 2022, at 7:00 PM, LaLinda via TheBanyanTree <thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:
>
> Of course, it's a challenge, sometimes, especially when overwhelmed with
> fatigue and/or pain or whatever, but I feel as Monique does...that it's
> important to look at all that I have and be glad. It helps, a lot. I'm
> sut]re you experience all of this, too, Glo.
>
>> On Sat, Feb 5, 2022 at 12:41 PM Gloria via TheBanyanTree <
>> thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:
>>
>> "She still is." I'm going to remember that and keep my ears open. I don't
>> think I've ever witnessed something like that. Wow.
>>
>> We are not our illnesses. We are much much more than that, as evidenced by
>> you regularly, LL and Monique, and all other tree dwellers. I see no reason
>> to stop being who we are. Party on!
>>
>> On Sat, Feb 5, 2022 at 7:37 AM LaLinda via TheBanyanTree <
>> thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:
>>
>>> Laura is so right, and today has enough stuff of its,own, including
>>> adorable puppy stuff.
>>>
>>> I like what you said, Laura about us not being our illnesses. When
>> Grandma
>>> D was in the nursing home and I was visiting with the kids, one day, a
>>> nurse/attendant/WHOMEVER said too me,
>>>
>>> "She gets a lot of company." Y au-\nat an uncle were there, about every
>>> day to feed her and watch over her. I answered,
>>>
>>> "Yes, she does." She responded, "SHE MUST HAVE BEEN A WONDERFUL WOMAN." I
>>> felt as though she'd slapped me. i didn't get testy, I just said,
>>>
>>> "She still is."
>>>
>>> My thing is, we are here until we are not, and we all witnessed times
>> when
>>> Gram hadn''t spoken for months, but would come out with something as
>> clear
>>> as a I have theories about that. When I took the kids, we went to see
>> HER,
>>> and kind of, for a lack of a better word, minister, or "give" to her.
>>> They'd read her their little kiddie books and sing new songs they'd
>>> learned, and though she hadn't said anything in three months, when
>> Stephen
>>> hid behind the door, she said,
>>>
>>> "What's the matter, baby?" She spoke too Christine,
>>>
>>> "How are you, beautiful?" And, to me, she said
>>>
>>> "You have a nice face."
>>>
>>> My aunts and uncles were flabbergasted. They were there, constantly, and
>>> there was constant chatter. I do think she was partial to one, since I
>> was
>>> her first grandchild and she didn't see me from the time I was a wee
>> little
>>> one until I was, ha! an "adult," and met her and my father, and that's
>>> another story.
>>>
>>> Another time, a lot of us were there, as usual, everyone was chattering
>>> over her. Some weirdo things were said, my crazy aunt was there and made
>> a
>>> remark about Gram being "trapped" in her body. It broke my heart. She's
>>> right here and she can hear you, you dumb ass! Gram always said that I'd
>>> she found out she had Alzheimer's, she would go out the back door and
>> throw
>>> herself into the river. My aunts and uncles lost control of that when the
>>> doctor ça,e right out and told her.
>>>
>>> "What is WRONG with me?" Gram asked her.
>>>
>>> "Dorothy," the doctor began," have you ever heard of Alzheimer's
>> disease?"
>>>
>>> "Yes."
>>>
>>> "Well, that is what you have."
>>>
>>> The aunts and uncles were angry, but, hey. Whatever. She was still a
>> person
>>> and deserved to know...she ASKED.
>>>
>>> Back to looney-tunes aunt loudly proclaiming that Gram was trapped, I had
>>> to get up to,gop,too the car, because I was melting down, a little,
>> knowing
>>> how she felt about it, and as I got closer to the car, (we were on the
>>> patio) my sister, Carol called,
>>>
>>> "Linda! Gramma is looking for you!" So I called back,
>>>
>>> "Bye, Gramma!" And she k picked everyone's socks off by calling back.
>>>
>>> "Good-bye!"
>>>
>>> We are here until we are not.
>>>
>>> And, you can always call me, You are delightful.
>>>
>>> ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
>>>
>>> LaLinda
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> On Fri, Feb 4, 2022 at 1:50 PM Laura via TheBanyanTree <
>>> thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:
>>>
>>>> Monique,
>>>> I think it's good you're going to see someone who is not directly
>>>> involved with your life, and not (hopefully) judgmental, to talk things
>>>> out. And it's good you can type stuff out and post it here or to other
>>>> lists. You can lay out everything you need get out, and just leave it
>>>> there, no need to haul it back home with you. Sure, you can't get ALL
>> of
>>>> it out, but every little bit you can leave behind relieves the
>> pressure.
>>>>
>>>> Writing things out is, for me, a bit like lancing a boil. I get to the
>>>> point where things are festering inside, and if I don't let them out,
>>>> they will explode all over my brain and make me even more nuts. Here in
>>>> the Banyan Tree is where my boils get lanced. (ew. sorry about that. a
>>>> little dish soap should get that out.) Yeah, that's what happened a
>>>> couple days ago.
>>>>
>>>> I'm proud that you are writing it all out and sharing it. It's like
>>>> Youngblood's posts, chronicling her experiences. How can anyone else
>>>> experience what's happening to you if we don't hear it from you? Sure,
>>>> we're not really experiencing them physically, but even if we can't
>>>> empathize, we can sympathize with your physical and mental state, and
>>>> maybe our perception of Parkinson's will change. It helps all of us to
>>>> remember that you are not your condition, you are a PERSON with a
>>>> condition. I hate it at the doctor's when a nurse says, "You've got a
>>>> Parkinson's in room four, and a brain boil in room two." No, you
>> fucking
>>>> don't. You have two PEOPLE in those rooms who have those conditions.
>>>> Grrrr.
>>>>
>>>> Future blind. I like that. Live today for today. Deal with today
>> things,
>>>> and don't worry about tomorrow things. That's how dogs live, one moment
>>>> to the next, and on the whole they seem to be pretty happy. Be happy
>>>> when you're happy, and be sad when you're sad. Don't worry about
>>>> tomorrow, just deal with it when it gets here. And if you think about
>>>> it, tomorrow never actually gets here. We go to sleep and when we wake
>>>> up, it's today again! Tomorrow is still a whole day away.
>>>>
>>>> Anyway, I love you, too. Anytime you want to bitch at someone who won't
>>>> judge, you know my email address.
>>>>
>>>> Laura
>>>> wolfljsh at gmail.com
>>>>
>>>> On 2/3/2022 5:23:13 PM, "Monique Colve via TheBanyanTree"
>>>> <thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> Yesterday I stopped putting off the inevitable and called the EAP at
>> my
>>>> husband's employer. Two doctors, my neurologist and my GP, had asked me
>>> to
>>>> start seeing a psychiatrist and/or a counselor, not because I'm a
>> raving
>>>> psychotic, but because they believe I will need help getting through my
>>>> upcoming life phases, and neither of them wants me coming to them. Not
>>> that
>>>> I can blame them, their job is to keep my physical body in some sort of
>>>> working order, not to listen to me whine.
>>>>>
>>>>> Calling EAP is no big deal, but Parkinson's has given me the
>>>> predisposition to cry easily, and so I avoid it. There are triggers,
>> and
>>>> the last month has been difficult in more than one way. When Sam at EAP
>>>> said I didn't have to tell him, but it would help if I did, I told him
>> I
>>>> have Parkinson's, and brain damage, and memory issues, and dementia is
>>>> considered likely with time. I had to stop work and my life is
>> changing.
>>>>>
>>>>> No big deal.
>>>>>
>>>>> Sam asked what kind of support I had, did I have anyone to talk to
>> about
>>>> this? I told him no, only my husband, and Andrew and I have agreed that
>>>> talking to him about more than the basic medical facts is not conducive
>>> to
>>>> a healthy relationship. I'm enough of a challenge as is.
>>>>>
>>>>> I have no one to talk to. I really never have.
>>>>>
>>>>> Parkinson's messes with the brain, even if one escapes the dementia
>> that
>>>> often accompanies it. If we're lucky, it's a long slow decline that can
>>>> wipe away who we are, or were, and it comes with grieving. I'm already
>> on
>>>> the way to being no one.
>>>>>
>>>>> Once I had a reputation in my field, small as it is. People knew me.
>>>> Sometimes I was known for being a smartass, sometimes for knowing many
>>>> things. On good days I can still be a smartass, but there are few
>> people
>>> to
>>>> talk to. Physical therapists have been, other than my husband, my most
>>> fun
>>>> conversations for the past month.
>>>>>
>>>>> People with Parkinson's support groups have not been helpful - I will
>>>> offer advice or support, but there's no back and forth, and the most
>>>> frequent advice includes prayer, which is not my belief system. It's
>> also
>>>> very conservative, which I am not.
>>>>>
>>>>> I've been future blind most of my life, which means I can only see
>>> today.
>>>> I can't see a future that is any different. There are reasons that are
>>> dark
>>>> and deep, probably best explored with a mental health counselor.
>>>>>
>>>>> I love my life, despite my inability to connect with people, even
>>> family,
>>>> though my brother and I have made huge strides that no one else would
>>>> notice. My life has changed a lot in the past few years, some of that
>>>> pandemic related, mostly me related. I don't want any more change - I
>>> used
>>>> to welcome change, now I fear it.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> Monique
>>>>> Sent from my iPad
>>>>>
>>>>> Need to change your name, email address, or password? Or have you
>>>> forgotten your password? Go here:
>>>> http://lists.remsset.com/listinfo.cgi/thebanyantree-remsset.com
>>>>
>>>>
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>>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> --
>>>
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>>
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>
>
>
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> ^v^
> ,/'^-,/'^v-^v ^v^
> v^\/ ^-,-^ ^,-v^
> ^v '-^ ^-, ^v
> v^v^ v^ v^ v ^v^
> { { \ \// } }
> } } |``| { {
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