TheBanyanTree: Heartstone

[tobie at shpilchas.net]

Oh Laura!

	You are not, absolutely not, alone. Having no voice as a child, that institutionalized impotence. Who would believe you? And then there’s the fear of destroying what little stability you have. That stability is a chimera of course. It’s just that we knew the suffering. A known substance, even horrible, provides some kind of anchor. Terrible terrible to have only abuse to lean on as a given. Each time: well, the world did not come apart. I’m still alive. There is a routine, and food in the fridge. Better shut up.  Why do we know to keep these secrets?

	My mantra growing up (if that’s what I did) was, "I will never turn into that. I will keep my heart loving and warm." That didn’t mean my heart was open. Too dangerous. That you survived all that is miraculous. I hear the insistence of the wounds inflicted. Over the years I’ve read what you write and I can’t believe that you’re all so hardened and dark at the center as you think. It’s just that the softer the center, the harder the carapace must be to protect it. You say you have your partner who loves you and has never betrayed you. He must see you clearly, more clearly than you see yourself. Trust his vision. You still shine through — bright, honest, kind.

Tobie
	 

> On Feb 3, 2022, at 9:24 AM, dale.m.parish--- via TheBanyanTree <thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:
> 
> Laura rote:
>> The day I spent hours trying to do something to make my father happy, to get him to do something besides humiliate me, to notice me, to praise my efforts.
> 
> Until my mother came to me and told me she was divorcing my father because of his alcoholism, I couldn't understand it, either.  It finally dawned on me that it was his problem, and not really mine.  But it took years to really internalize it and get over it.
> 
> That took guts, Laura.  Thanks for sharing, reminding us.
> 
> Hugs,
> Dale
> --
> Dale M. Parish			For All Of Mankind'S Supposed Accomplishments,
> 628 Parish RD			Our Continued Existence Is Dependent Upon 20
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> 
> 
> 
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Please lick me on Facebook              THS 2016



Tobie Shapiro
mailto:tobie at shpilchas.net <mailto:tobie at shpilchas.net>