TheBanyanTree: Random

[tobie at shpilchas.net]

Monique dear,

	I’m probably not the only person here who read your post and was surprised that the person you were describing was not herself.  Though your situation is unique (I am unique just like everyone else), your feelings are universal.  They pass. And they come back. And they pass again. And then they come back. But they go away.

	They are always warranted and they are never accurate. They cannot be proven or disproved. They certainly don’t do any good. If anything, they perpetuate the insult. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen that woman in the mirror and mourned her utter defeat. And then, damn it, she is deposed and someone more honest takes her place.  The real problem with me is that I feel like I’m deluded to see her go — either way.  My perceptions are stunning to see me crumpled and finished. My perceptions are revelatory to see me arriving in my heart again, relieved and awake.

	You are seeing what you feel, not who you are.  But you know that.  You’re still who you are. 

	Sweetheart, what can we do to help? Please come back.

Love,

Tobie 

	






> On Oct 18, 2019, at 8:41 PM, Monique Colver <monique.colver at gmail.com> wrote:
> 
> Her face was crumpled in on itself, as if the foundation of a house had been removed, if her face was a house. I remembered her as she was, with a normal if average face, when she was younger and life hadn't yet beaten her up with enthusiasm and cruelty. She'd been something then, not pretty, but not minding, because she could still get what she wanted. She could still be in the world and get the attention she had once craved, but now, with her face crumpled and her eyes no longer bright but dark shadowy holes, she looked lost, as if unsure where it had gone, and so suddenly.
> 
> I never expected to see her like that, a ruin, time and fortune having had their way. I thought she'd outsmart them, I really did. She tried to smile back at me but it was half-hearted, and I saw none of her in it.
> 
> I couldn't look anymore, so I turned away from the mirror.
> 
> Monique
> Sent from my iPad
> 
> 
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"It's a shame chaos requires such little maintenance" THS



Tobie Shapiro
mailto:tobie at shpilchas.net <mailto:tobie at shpilchas.net>