TheBanyanTree: Reflections in a muddy pond

Thu Jul 18 11:41:45 PDT 2019

what a fabulous answer!  anybody worth your time is asking the same
questions of themselves!!

On Thu, Jul 18, 2019 at 2:25 PM <tobie at shpilchas.net> wrote:

> Why Russ,
>
>         What were those echoes?  Do you mean to tell me that I’m not alone?
>
>         Meyshe is 32 now and longing for a sweetheart, but he has no idea
> what or who or when or how.  He’s autistic and that makes it so much
> harder.  We went to SFMOMA on my birthday, Monday, and he told me he was
> afraid that if he fo9und someone, he would ruin it by something he said or
> did.  "What do I say? What do I do? How do I meet someone? What will she
> think when ….?  What if she thinks that ….?"   I listened for a while, just
> aching, really aching.  Neuro normals feel uncomfortable around people on
> the spectrum.  Where will he find someone?  He’s been asking me questions
> since he was 10 years old, like, "Will I make a good father?"  (Lord! What
> 10 year old boy asks questions like that? For that matter, what 25, 30, 40
> or 50 year old boy asks questions of himself like that?)  When I listened
> to Meyshe’s confusions and yearning, at least I could tell him, "Meyshe, in
> this regard, you are no different than anyone else? Just remember when you
> meet someone you like, she will feel exactly the same way. No one knows
> what to do or say until you break through the unfamiliarity and can be
> yourself.  When you feel safe being yourself, then those questions don’t
> have such weight any more."
>
>         Did that soothe?
>
>         You tell me.
>
>         The point is that while the chemistry is being shuffled and
> tossed, that’s how you’re going to feel.  Maybe it’s when the chemistry
> settles with someone is when you start feeling that you can be yourself.
> But how can anyone know?
>
>
> Tobie
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> > On Jul 18, 2019, at 6:51 AM, Russ Doden <russ.doden at gmail.com> wrote:
> >
> > Dear Tobie,
> > I have read, and reread your post and see echos of my own 72 years.
> Only I
> > had no procreation - by choice, but still no procreation.  As always I
> find
> > insight and wisdom in your words.  It's good to see your words again.
> >
> > Russ
> >
> > On Wed, Jul 17, 2019 at 4:52 PM <tobie at shpilchas.net> wrote:
> >
> >> Wednesday, July 17nd, 2019
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Just hold on a minute,
> >>
> >>        I just turned 72.  This seems strange to me.  It is true that
> I’ve
> >> packed a whole hell of a lot of experience in between my squeezing (or
> >> being squeezed) out into the world and now.  Times in my life that once
> >> were freshly rotten now are distant and mature.  By that, I don’t mean
> that
> >> the memories are faded or any less vivid.  No.  They are redolent.
> There
> >> have been just so many events crammed in there on the way to 72.  At
> >> various times I remember being thoroughly engrossed with, "How’z this
> going
> >> to turn out?"  It occupied the furrows in my forehead and worried me
> during
> >> the process, tripping me up, making it hard to navigate.  And by now, I
> >> know how most of those things turned out.  This is, at least,
> educational,
> >> and I learned my lessons well  —  that is, EXCEPT where hormones were
> >> involved.  Talk about tripping me up!
> >>
> >>        It’s pretty clear, isn’t it.  The mind works, lessons are learned
> >> unless it has to do with love, mating and procreation, even if
> >> tangentially.  I’m sure there are plenty of people whose response to
> that
> >> would be, "But without the hormones where love, mating and procreation
> are
> >> concerned, it wouldn’t be much fun!"  And where I go with that is a
> state
> >> of wonder, confusion and intense curiosity  —  not about love, mating
> and
> >> procreation; that’s unambiguous.  I’d have to question these people
> about
> >> their personal definition of fun.
> >>
> >>        I do know how to have fun.  I’d just have a very hard time trying
> >> to isolate the fun that, evidently for those folks, shines through all
> that
> >> anxiety, humiliation, disappointment, frustration and huge, swollen
> >> abscesses of self-doubt, recrimination and self-loathing.  Yes, as I
> >> recall, self-loathing figured prominently in the love, mating and
> >> procreation arenas I slogged through.
> >>
> >>        What arenas would those be?
> >>
> >>        The most common arena was the one where I’m pushed out onto the
> >> great stage while the lions are released, sauntering from the opposite
> >> direction  —  this, while the crowd in the Coliseum munch their popcorn
> and
> >> look at their score cards.  They’re impatient, nearly disinterested.
> This
> >> is only one act of dozens.  The professionals go on later, much more
> >> engaging, more skilled.  The pros know how to put on a show with
> sparkle,
> >> drama, pizzazz.
> >>
> >>        Another arena would be the Barnum’N’Bailey three ring variety.
> In
> >> this one, I’m under contract as a trapeze artist  —  the high wire
> without
> >> a net variety  —  the skimpy sequined skin- tight one shoulder outfit
> that
> >> itches fearfully.  My contract, however, is a cruel ruse.  My torturous
> >> costume, the intense training, the soul throbbing terror (when I swing
> out
> >> there at maximum amplitude and let go, will my partner’s timing be
> right?
> >> Will he catch me?)  What I don’t know is that I’m actually the clown
> act.
> >> I was completely fooled.  I was even under the impression that my outfit
> >> was meant to be alluring.   Not the case.  What was I thinking when they
> >> put that shiny red bulbous nose on me?  Oh!  This was a lesson I would
> >> never forget!  But I did.  It’s easy for you to judge.  You can see the
> big
> >> red nose (and hear it, too; it honks), but I’m inside here looking
> out.  I
> >> can’t.  Still, the next time around it would be so unlikely they’d try
> the
> >> same stunt twice.  After all, I’m highly intelligent.  They know I’d
> figure
> >> it out.  They wouldn’t dare!  Oh yes, they would.  They know
> intelligence
> >> has absolutely nothing to do with it.  Besides, they have every reason
> to
> >> be confident.  They even order those noses by the gross in smug
> >> anticipation  —  those and the whoopee cushions.
> >>
> >>        A third arena (this one seemed to be a favorite of the trickster
> >> god: god of love, mating and procreation, in charge of the hormone
> >> cabinet).  This one was a Salem witch trial.  Risk free, simple, really.
> >> I’m there to prove I’m worthy, truly the perfect, "UN-witch".  And it
> goes
> >> like this.  When I say, "Go," they throw me in the vat of water
> >> (brackish).  If I float, I’m a witch.  They haul me out and burn me at
> the
> >> stake.  But if I sink, I’m innocent, worthy, an, "UN-witch".  I drown.
> >>
> >>        So I could be missing something, but I can’t find the fun in any
> >> of those.  And that’s the benefit of hindsight at 72.  As I answered the
> >> call and arrived to live these love, mating and procreation arenas, it
> was
> >> always as if it were the first time  — my memory wiped clean.  Or was
> it my
> >> cognitive awareness that was wiped clean?  "Clean," is not the right
> word,
> >> really.  Nothing was wiped clean, though one could argue that the word,
> >> "wiped," applies after a fashion.  The memory, the mental faculties,
> either
> >> or both, got slopped and clogged with hormones.  Of course, this is all
> so
> >> easy to observe at 72.  Now that it’s too late, I can assure you I won’t
> >> fall for any of that shit again.  And at 72, it’s pretty safe to promise
> >> that.
> >>
> >>
> >> Oh yeah.  There’s more.
> >>
> >> Later for you.
> >>
> >>
> >> Love,
> >>
> >> Tobie
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> A tease:
> >> "Where are you headed to after this, Mr. Zeno?"
> >>
> >> And a phony:
> >> "Can I help?"
> >>
> >> THS 2017
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Tobie Helene Shapiro
> >> mailto:tobie at shpilchas.net <mailto:tobie at shpilchas.net>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
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> >
> >
> >
> > --
> > Enjoy Life By Living In Joy
> >
> > Well Being Consultant
> > www.rldwbc.com
> >
> >
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>
>
> "Perfection is an illusion."
> Meyshe Benyomen Shapiro-Nygren
>
>
>
> Tobie Shapiro
> mailto:tobie at shpilchas.net <mailto:tobie at shpilchas.net>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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