TheBanyanTree: I am ashamed

[Barb Edlen]

Wow, Paul. In all the time I’ve known you, I’ve never heard you recall so many warm & caring memories of your dad before he went to Vietnam. 

I’m not ignoring the severity of the abuse, because you know how deeply that hurts my heart for your sake. 

It conciliates the anger, to visualize your dad being an actual father, but more so, to know that you can access those memories. They are so very important. 

Love you, Paul~e_e 🌷🌿🦋

> ✿*ﾟ‘ﾟ･.｡.:*


> On Feb 3, 2019, at 7:33 PM, paul <paul at remsset.com> wrote:
> 
> I remember my Dad before he went to 'Nam.  Busy doing Dad stuff, but a nice guy.  I remember nighttime kisses on my way to bed and how scratchy his day of stubble was.  What came back from 'Nam when I was eight was not a nice person. Somehow it was my fault for everything.
> 
> I'm not a fan of belts.  Sure, I deserved a few whippings.  But for stuff my sisters and little brother did?  While I'm at school?  All my fault because I was the oldest.
> 
> That's a math problem I will never solve.
> 
> Anyway.  He's dead.  Can't hit me anymore.
> 
> At first, I felt guilty for thinking such. But that's me.
> 
> On the other hand the last time I talked to my sisters they were all "boo hoo" about Dad.  Yes, the same sisters that emptied Mom's house and bank account a few years later.  And vanished.  Then mailed her car keys to me.  A MONTH later.  "It's my turn now."
> 
> About a year ago one sister asked me, on Facebook, "when did Mom die?".  You'll never know.....  "bad word".
> 
> Ok.  I'll take care of this.
> 
> 
> TLW said the following on 2/3/2019 5:02 PM:
>> Monique:
>> I was raised on shame. I think many -- perhaps most -- of us were. It's a
>> way to make children try harder -- shame them for their bad behavior, or
>> even their very human mistakes.
>> Once we are grown, however, and especially when we have proven over and
>> over again that we are doing the best we can with what we have, and are
>> trying, and are human, shame has no purpose. It's a remnant of a powerless
>> time. But you can drop it. I did.
>> Guilt serves purpose. It does. Shame? No. it's an extraneous, invented
>> emotion.
>> Rise above. Keep plodding. One day at a time.
>> We love you. You are magnificent.
>> Sidda
> 
> 
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