TheBanyanTree: Why I Will Most Likely Never Write Another Book

[Pam Lawley]

and if that's how you feel, then that's that... and it IS okay.

But, speaking selfishly as of the ones who loves you and owns TWO copies of
your first book (one signed, one not!), it kinda makes me sad to know that
you feel this way.  Oh, if it were me I'd no doubt feel the exact same way,
but it's not ME - it's YOU!!  And I want you to suck it up and write
more!!  :-)

Seriously (that suck it up part was NOT serious, by the way!) - I'll learn
to live and be happy with the few words you do pop out, but that won't
stop  me from feeling occasionally bummed that your first book wasn't a NYT
best seller and that you're working on your next (and next and next and
next!) books...

And I guess that's okay as well...

I guess.
On Thu, Sep 11, 2014 at 12:02 PM, Monique Colver <monique.colver at gmail.com>
wrote:

> I say most likely because I’ve learned it’s best not to state what I will
> emphatically do or not do, on the off chance that I wake up one day and
> change my mind.
>
> It’s a changeable thing, my mind.
>
> I don’t have the heart for it, for one thing. There are so many things I
> want to write, and it’s not the writing that I have no heart for, but it’s
> the rest of it.
>
> The god awful rest of it.
>
> The writing of it is bad enough, the planning, the words, the time spent
> trying to find the right words to go in the right order, because if you
> don’t have that, it’s useless. It’s a lonely task, unless you have a
> collaborator, which I don’t (I’ve tried, but I’m not interesting enough as
> a co-writer for anyone to take me up on it because I’m not a name, and I’m
> just me) and it’s a thankless task, because who else really cares? And I
> could be spending that time knitting.
>
> Knitting, while I’m not very good at it, at least provides me something
> concrete when I’m done with it. Which is not to say my knitting projects
> are made of concrete. That would require a skill I do not possess. I can
> stop and start my knitting at will, and not lose track of where I’m at. I
> don’t have to re-read what I’ve written so I can pick up where I left off –
> it’s all right there, it’s obvious.
>
> I don’t have the heart for it, the writing.
>
> People tell me I can just write for myself, because that’s what really
> matters, right?
>
> Not for me it doesn’t. I write this, and I write that, but it’s not because
> I want something to read. If I want something to read, I won’t go through
> the bother of writing it myself first. There’s plenty of good writing out
> there for me to find. If I want to tell a story to myself, I keep it in my
> head. I don’t need to put the words in a beautiful order, just the images.
>
> I write to be read, and while I love it, it’s work.
>
> It doesn’t pay, it’s frustrating, and I don’t have the heart for what goes
> into making a successful writer. The self-promotion. (I at first typed
> elf-promotion, which is another thing altogether, but not relevant here.)
> The constant hyping of a product I’m not sure anyone else will care about
> because it’s a big wide open market and there are thousands of people out
> there hyping their own book, their own product, their own fabulous selves.
>
> We are all fabulous.
>
> I did one book. I bought into the hype, and I promoted it the best I could,
> but I don’t have the personality to carry it off. But I believed in it. I
> believed in it so much that I spent money I didn’t have to promote it. And
> if you ever want a story about the wolves who are happy to spin stories
> about pitching your book, just ask. I had a couple of weird radio
> interviews. I paid for a lot of review copies that ended up in remainder
> bins, or on the shelves, or in the trash.
>
>
>
> The people who were close to the story drifted away after it was out, and
> the people who weren’t said, “Great book!” I have a small but devoted
> following.
>
> I cringed when a relative, one of the few who was interested, told others
> that she’d lend them her copy to read and I thought, “But that’s not how I
> recoup my costs, everyone running around reading the one copy.” But you
> can’t say that, can you? You have to act happy she loved it and recommends
> it, and you can’t say, “No! Go buy your own damn copies!”
>
> All I wanted was to recoup my costs, and that didn’t happen, nowhere near
> close.
>
> I’m far more successful in my other business, the one that pays the bills
> and lets me put money away for the future. The one that lets me work with
> fabulous people in all different kinds of businesses. I’m an accountant.
> That’s what I’ve done for 30 years. I could do some writing, but people
> want their accountants serious, not smart assy with the words, not clever
> with the sentences.
>
> I could write another book, but what would be the point? A few people would
> like it. I know this because I know my people, and I could probably put out
> drivel and they would still like it because they love me.
>
> But I don’t want to put out drivel.
>
> I don’t have the stomach for the self-promotion. It’s not me. And if I
> can’t see my books sell, I’d rather not write them.
>
> That’s just me. If I wrote another book, I’d want it to sell, and when it
> didn’t I’d be sad. I don’t want to be sad. I want to have time to live my
> life. As it is, I spend too much time working. Another book would the end
> of me.
>
> I’ll pop out a few words now and then, here and there, if I feel like it.
> That’s the most I can do.
>
> I don’t have the heart nor the stomach for the rest of it. And that’s okay.
>
> That’s what I keep telling myself.
>
> That’s okay.
> M
>