TheBanyanTree: Understanding Suicide

[Monique Colver]

Dave, thank you. And this: "I just happen to panic at intense feelings."
That's me, this year. I mean, I've always been subject to periodic
depression, but ever since my surgery earlier this year I've been fighting
to get back to feeling normal. And intense feelings cause panic, which just
compounds the problem. I'm doing ACT therapy right now too. I think it'll
help, but I need someone to work on that with me to keep me accountable.

I am so happy that you're still here.

And it occurs to me that I'm making all this public, but who cares? If
anything, I want people who have these problems know they're not alone, so
why wouldn't I?


*We appreciate your referrals!*

Monique Colver
Colver Business Solutions
www.colverbusinesssolutions.com
monique.colver at gmail.com
(425) 772-6218


On Wed, May 7, 2014 at 4:25 PM, David <dseaman77 at gmail.com> wrote:

> On 5/7/2014 5:59 PM, Monique Colver wrote:
>
>> I’m sick of talking about myself and my damn feelings. Please talk about
>> you. Tell me what you’re doing, how the kids are, what the family’s up to,
>> how work’s going. Tell me all your stories, fill up that empty space with
>> your words, help me regain my connection to a world that I feel I’ve lost
>> touch with. Help me back from the abyss.
>>
>> And I swear I’ll make you laugh again.
>>
>> M
>>
> I can tell you plenty. From the ambulance to the exit door of the psych
> ward. But the main thing I can tell you is that I got better. Still, with
> the ups and downs. But so does everyone, I just happen to panic at intense
> feeling. Sort of a PTSD of being depressed. Of being suicidal. For all I
> knew I was dead. Waking up alive in the ED was a surprise. So everyday
> since has been a sort of gift.
>
> Still married to Bonz the amazing supportive wife. Still seeing my
> therapist and pdoc after all of these years. Still hanging in there,
> floating along. The thing about the darkness is it doesn't last forever.
> Really, I can promise that. I can promise it because you are still here.
> You have a fighting spirit. No suicide is not selfish. But there is some
> spark in those of us who manage to get past it. Some fight. True grit, as
> they say. It doesn't feel like it, but it's there.
>
> This will sound absolutely ridiculous, but I stopped pushing against the
> darkness. I didn't give in, I just made friendly with it. Didn't learn to
> live with it, but made it learn to live with me. I didn't rise above it, it
> just got bored with me. It really really happens. You'll make it up those
> stairs. It will be worth the wait...
>
> Dave Seaman
>