TheBanyanTree: there is no subject

[Jeri Xiques]

They all have said it better than I can, Pammie, but you have the sweetest
heart in the world, and I'm so glad I can call you My Friend too!

Jeri


On Sun, Mar 30, 2014 at 2:10 PM, Mike Pingleton <pingleto at gmail.com> wrote:

> Pam, you're like the sun, and all its little moons and planets are like
> your family, captured in orbit around you.
>
> Love and cake are the binding forces.
>
> -Mike
>
>
>
> On Sun, Mar 30, 2014 at 12:14 PM, Pam Lawley <pamj.lawley at gmail.com>
> wrote:
>
> > Disclaimer:  I don't really remember what my main point was when I
> started
> > typing this hours ago!  I've had a few stops and starts and I think I've
> > wandered over several subjects.  Maybe I was just writing to write....
>  So
> > before you get started reading, just know that I have no story here, no
> > clear path.  I'd just delete the whole thing, but that seems like a big
> > waste.  So - you've been forewarned!!
> >
> > --------------------------
> > I joke about collecting ex-husbands.   It's probably not that funny...
> >
> > Where to start, where to start???
> >
> > Almost two years ago I got a new co-worker, and I pretty much fell in
> love
> > immediately!  She was 34'ish, happily married and step-mom to a teenaged
> > girl, with a four year old boy and another on the way!  Babies!!!
> >
> > Before she left on maternity leave I had our team throw her a baby
> shower,
> > and I kept it really simple!  I collected money from everybody, bought
> and
> > wrapped gifts, and brought in cupcakes!  We all gathered at lunch and
> > watched her open those gifts, ate a cupcake, and went back to work!
>  Super
> > simple - but effective!
> >
> > We kept in contact while she was out, met for lunch so I could see her
> new
> > baby, and as friendships do, just grew closer as time went on.  And she
> > taught me all about Brandon, baby Oliver's big brother.
> >
> > Brandon was born with lissencephaly which is a brain disorder with
> varying
> > degrees of debilitation. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lissencephaly)
>  He
> > doesn't walk or talk, and also suffers from cerebral palsy.  I thought it
> > was horrible that he was born with two diseases, but only learned
> recently
> > that the CP is a result of the first!
> >
> > Anyway, I am pretty ignorant about disabled'ness.  Shortly before
> meeting B
> > I'd made cupcakes for a wedding which was in the couple's backyard of
> their
> > home.  In that home was the bride's young daughter - totally
> > uncommunicative and in a wheelchair.  I had NO idea how to - or if I
> > should! - interact with the young girl!  If I talk and say 'hello' and
> she
> > doesn't respond, well... The family talked to her but I was just SO
> > uncomfortable and unsure!!  I made sure to not get too close so I
> wouldn't
> > have to - yeah, I pretty much just ignored her.  I'm not proud of that,
> but
> > there you have it!
> >
> > Consequently,I started asking Leanne questions so I wouldn't be so
> ignorant
> > anymore!!  I asked a LOT of questions!!   And I've spent a lot of time
> with
> > him.  I have a long way to go, but I don't feel quite so inadequate
> > anymore.
> >
> > Because of Leanne and B my little world has expanded, and that's why last
> > night I completed my second 'Great Glow Run' - a 5K sponsored by the
> Easter
> > Seals organization.  No, don't get excited, I didn't actually "run", I
> > walked!  My daughter and I both went last year with my Great Dane Annie,
> > but this year my daughter was sick so it was just me and Annie.
> >
> > ("5K" sounds so accomplished to me!!  "3 miles" sounds so much easier!)
> >
> > Because we'd participated last year, this year was just a no-brainer and
> we
> > signed right up.
> >
> > And I forgot about Alyssa.
> >
> > This is where the ex-husbands part comes in...  sort of
> >
> > I married my children's father because ... well, I was 26 and thinking
> that
> > nobody would ever want to marry he - and he apparently did!!  I had a
> > mental check list going and he got a tic mark in every box!  True love!!
> >  It was not a match made in heaven and it managed to last about five
> years.
> >  I was relieved to see him go.
> >
> > T
> > About five years later I married again.  He was almost 13 years younger
> > than me and we 'dated' for five weeks...  I know, I know!  NOW it sounds
> > crazy, but I was "madly and passionately" in love then...  THAT marriage
> > only lasted for about five years as well, but for totally different
> reasons
> > - and I was NOT happy to see him go.  In fact, I was pretty devastated
> and
> > it was the darkest time of my life.
> >
> > It was ugly and messy and we didn't speak for a long time.  And then we
> > did.  By then he'd remarried and had a little baby girl.  We made our
> peace
> > and were comfortable... he was back in my kids' lives again (he loved my
> > kids immediately and that was a HUGE part of my attraction to him I
> > think!).  We spent time together as one big family, I spent time with and
> > considered his wife a friend, and we all spent a Christmas together with
> > his dad who was visiting from California.
> >
> > And then she took her baby and ran off to Texas!  That's all a very long
> > story, but to sum it up, HE was now the one devastated and living through
> > pretty much what I had lived through when he left me and I found no joy
> in
> > that whatsoever.  He saw the irony in that too, and apologized again.
> >
> > I came to a place where I recognized that he was not the man I married,
> and
> > in fact, was not even the man I had divorced.  I'm sure I wasn't the same
> > either!  While I knew that we could never be together, didn't even harbor
> > any secret daydreams about it - I thought he was just a very sad man -
> > there was still a connection there between us.  We both knew that we an
> > ally in life, and the other was only a phone call away.
> >
> > A couple of years went by and I remarried while he worked the legal
> system
> > trying to find and get his daughter back, and then he remarried and had a
> > new baby boy.
> >
> > My kids would spent holidays juggling between me, their dad, and Todd. My
> > son worked with him at a local bar.  Todd was the head of security, and
> my
> > son was a bouncer.  We saw each other occasionally, but I only ever saw
> his
> > wife a couple of times in passing.  He and I were friends on Facebook
> and I
> > was able to oogle pictures of his adorably pretty baby boy, but I was
> > always a little careful and reserved, making sure that his new young wife
> > wasn't put out by this ex she didn't know commenting in any way
> > inappropriately.  According to the kids, she was kind of 'stand-offish'
> and
> > they didn't think she was especially friendly.
> >
> > If we ran into each other we chatted away, and in fact, when his wife was
> > having a birthday he told my son he wanted him to make a cake!  My son
> came
> > home and told me, "Todd told me he wants me to make a cake for Alyssa's
> > birthday so you have to make one.".  LOVE my son, and because baking
> cakes
> > is what I do, I happily made this one!  It took a few weeks to get my
> cake
> > taker back, but Todd personally brought it to the house and thanked me
> > profusely telling me how thoughtful and kind I was.
> >
> > There stood my second ex:  a man who'd once had half a dozen tattoos
> > (including one of my name in cursive on his left arm which he'd had a
> > single line tattooed through after we divorced!) now had dozens tattooed
> on
> > both arms and both legs (including now, both of my children's names),
> both
> > of his kids' names, a motorcycle engine, a big "N" with an arrow  up
> which
> > was kind of his 'logo', and all kinds of crazy stuff that I was always
> > curious to look at!; his hair shaved to just a short mohawk - again! -
> and
> > his face shaved of its recent beard... a not-so-tall but huge bear of a
> man
> > who was nothing more than a teddy with a violent streak hiding right
> > beneath....  We had both changed so much but still my heart did a little
> > flip to see him.
> >
> > And that was the last time I saw him.  Within a couple of weeks he was
> > dead.  He died a hero's death in this little town, when a disgruntled
> > eighteen year old who'd been tossed from the bar got pissed, went home,
> and
> > came back with a gun and started shooting up the place!  Todd, the most
> > conservative Republican, defender of the 2nd Amendment and card-carrying
> > NRA member for life that I ever knew!  I've thought often of the irony in
> > THAT too!  (*http://tinyurl.com/o5odrgf <http://tinyurl.com/o5odrgf>)*
> >
> > My daughter came to tell me and we went immediately to go see Alyssa, his
> > wife.
> >
> > Because Todd had tried an 'older chick' and that didn't work, he was now
> > married to a younger chick and she was my daughter's age!  Within a
> couple
> > of years she'd gone from single to married, a mom and widowed.  The mom
> in
> > me just went into overdrive.
> >
> > Over the next months I kept in contact.  I texted often asking if there
> was
> > anything I could do.  In fact I TOLD her, I am going to stalk you until
> > there IS something I can do!  When something bad happens folks tend to
> come
> > from everywhere offering assistance, but then time passes, life goes on,
> > and the offers stop.  I didn't want that to happen!
> >
> > And so, over the last eleven months, we've all become our own little
> > dysfunctional family!  Alyssa got out of the Corps the next month (that
> was
> > planned) and stayed here because she had no desire to move back home to
> > Minnesota.  We've spent holidays and birthdays together, (they came to
> > Thanksgiving dinner and then my current husband watched little Asa while
> we
> > went Black Friday shopping!),
> > and a few weeks ago, when her birthday rolled around again, I made
> another
> > cake for her.... it just seemed to me, to represent coming full circle.
> >
> > Which was why I was disappointed in myself when Alyssa saw the link for
> the
> > Glow Run on Facebook and said she wanted to go, and I realized that I
> > hadn't thought to include her to begin with!  (And you thought all this
> > rambling had no good point!)
> >
> > So we got her registered and last night, after some confusion about the
> > weather and believing it was going to be a no-go, we all met and picked
> up
> > our packets! Leanne and her husband and all three of their kids, her dad
> > and step-mom who were visiting, another couple who they were best friends
> > with, me and Annie, and Alyssa and Asa!  We were glowed up and ready to
> > walk!
> >
> > We let the real runners, and then walkers, get out of the way, and then
> we
> > with strollers, a wheelchair and a dog, took off!
> >
> > The 3.1 mile trek started at the park on the waterfront in downtown New
> > Bern (it's an historic city, and actually the first capitol of North
> > Carolina!), and wove through old neighborhoods with antebellum-type
> homes,
> > newer condos on the water, more down-trodden neighborhoods, around a very
> > old cemetery, and back to the park.
> >
> > We didn't all stay strictly together... we'd come upon congestion and go
> > around, get separated, meet up, cause congestion for others, etc...
>  Along
> > the way, in all the neighborhoods, we'd encounter folks sitting out on
> > their porches waving and calling out, cheering us on!  And then we passed
> > big ole house and heard somebody call out, "... and there goes Pam
> > North!...".
> >
> > It was closer to dark than light - this WAS a "glow" run after all! -
> and I
> > couldn't see who'd yelled out, but I cringed a little inside for Alyssa
> to
> > hear that!  But she laughed it off and said 'hey!, I'm the North here!',
> > and we kept on going, trying to remember which house it was so I could
> see
> > who I knew from years back!
> >
> > Coming back we left the road and got on the sidewalk so we'd be closer to
> > the house, and it turns out that it was a guy who had actually been the
> > Maintenance Officer of the squadron that Todd and I had met and married
> in!
> >
> > He saw us coming back and was already apologizing for calling me 'North'
> -
> > he knew I wasn't that anymore!  I made the same joke I always do about
> > having a LOT of last names to choose from, and then I introduced him to
> the
> > current Mrs. North and Asa, and we walked on.  And yes, I saw irony in
> that
> > too!!
> >
> > It's been a crazy year...  When I made that cake a year ago I hoped that
> > she wouldn't find out that *I* had actually made it, and be upset in any
> > way.  After Todd died and people started spreading out, I made it a point
> > to have lunch with her a few times a month to keep in contact and check
> on
> > her.  When she moved we were there to help.  We chat often by text and
> > Facebook even if we don't see other.  I think she's very friendly and I
> > like having her and Ace around.
> >
> > But I wasn't ever sure what was going through her head about me.  I know
> > that Todd never spoke ill of me.  In fact, as I've heard often, he spoke
> > very highly of me and the good person I he thought I was.  But still. I
> > *was*  (am!) an ex!!
> >
> > And then a few weeks ago they came to dinner and she brought me a gift.
> >  She's very self-sufficient and crafty, and she and Asa had made a
> > 'butterfly' picture using his footprints!  FOR ME!
> >
> > I never knew if she was just tolerating this chick because, or what.  But
> > it would seem that in the horribleness that has been these last eleven
> > months, a friendship has been born!  That makes me very happy and I like
> to
> > think if Todd had been able to plan, he would have planned it like this.
> >
> > Three days after Todd's death my son was sworn in at a local police
> > department.  It would have been a moment of pride for Todd had he been
> > alive, but at the celebration that day were half a dozen of his closest
> > friends, supporting his son in his place.
> >
> > Meanwhile, my daughter, now 25 herself, has told me a few time while
> > watching her friends lives, that she doesn't remember a single time that
> > she ever saw her dad and I fight over anything having to do with the
> kids.
> >  We didn't fight over holidays, vacations, visitation.  Through the years
> > we've managed to remain mostly friendly, and I even fixed him up with his
> > current wife!  ha!
> >
> > So I've managed to collect a couple of exes in this life where I never
> > planned to marry so many times, but it hasn't turned out too badly.
> >
> > Pam
> >
>