TheBanyanTree: there is no subject

[Mike Pingleton]

Pam, you're like the sun, and all its little moons and planets are like
your family, captured in orbit around you.

Love and cake are the binding forces.

-Mike



On Sun, Mar 30, 2014 at 12:14 PM, Pam Lawley <pamj.lawley at gmail.com> wrote:

> Disclaimer:  I don't really remember what my main point was when I started
> typing this hours ago!  I've had a few stops and starts and I think I've
> wandered over several subjects.  Maybe I was just writing to write....  So
> before you get started reading, just know that I have no story here, no
> clear path.  I'd just delete the whole thing, but that seems like a big
> waste.  So - you've been forewarned!!
>
> --------------------------
> I joke about collecting ex-husbands.   It's probably not that funny...
>
> Where to start, where to start???
>
> Almost two years ago I got a new co-worker, and I pretty much fell in love
> immediately!  She was 34'ish, happily married and step-mom to a teenaged
> girl, with a four year old boy and another on the way!  Babies!!!
>
> Before she left on maternity leave I had our team throw her a baby shower,
> and I kept it really simple!  I collected money from everybody, bought and
> wrapped gifts, and brought in cupcakes!  We all gathered at lunch and
> watched her open those gifts, ate a cupcake, and went back to work!  Super
> simple - but effective!
>
> We kept in contact while she was out, met for lunch so I could see her new
> baby, and as friendships do, just grew closer as time went on.  And she
> taught me all about Brandon, baby Oliver's big brother.
>
> Brandon was born with lissencephaly which is a brain disorder with varying
> degrees of debilitation. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lissencephaly)  He
> doesn't walk or talk, and also suffers from cerebral palsy.  I thought it
> was horrible that he was born with two diseases, but only learned recently
> that the CP is a result of the first!
>
> Anyway, I am pretty ignorant about disabled'ness.  Shortly before meeting B
> I'd made cupcakes for a wedding which was in the couple's backyard of their
> home.  In that home was the bride's young daughter - totally
> uncommunicative and in a wheelchair.  I had NO idea how to - or if I
> should! - interact with the young girl!  If I talk and say 'hello' and she
> doesn't respond, well... The family talked to her but I was just SO
> uncomfortable and unsure!!  I made sure to not get too close so I wouldn't
> have to - yeah, I pretty much just ignored her.  I'm not proud of that, but
> there you have it!
>
> Consequently,I started asking Leanne questions so I wouldn't be so ignorant
> anymore!!  I asked a LOT of questions!!   And I've spent a lot of time with
> him.  I have a long way to go, but I don't feel quite so inadequate
> anymore.
>
> Because of Leanne and B my little world has expanded, and that's why last
> night I completed my second 'Great Glow Run' - a 5K sponsored by the Easter
> Seals organization.  No, don't get excited, I didn't actually "run", I
> walked!  My daughter and I both went last year with my Great Dane Annie,
> but this year my daughter was sick so it was just me and Annie.
>
> ("5K" sounds so accomplished to me!!  "3 miles" sounds so much easier!)
>
> Because we'd participated last year, this year was just a no-brainer and we
> signed right up.
>
> And I forgot about Alyssa.
>
> This is where the ex-husbands part comes in...  sort of
>
> I married my children's father because ... well, I was 26 and thinking that
> nobody would ever want to marry he - and he apparently did!!  I had a
> mental check list going and he got a tic mark in every box!  True love!!
>  It was not a match made in heaven and it managed to last about five years.
>  I was relieved to see him go.
>
> T
> About five years later I married again.  He was almost 13 years younger
> than me and we 'dated' for five weeks...  I know, I know!  NOW it sounds
> crazy, but I was "madly and passionately" in love then...  THAT marriage
> only lasted for about five years as well, but for totally different reasons
> - and I was NOT happy to see him go.  In fact, I was pretty devastated and
> it was the darkest time of my life.
>
> It was ugly and messy and we didn't speak for a long time.  And then we
> did.  By then he'd remarried and had a little baby girl.  We made our peace
> and were comfortable... he was back in my kids' lives again (he loved my
> kids immediately and that was a HUGE part of my attraction to him I
> think!).  We spent time together as one big family, I spent time with and
> considered his wife a friend, and we all spent a Christmas together with
> his dad who was visiting from California.
>
> And then she took her baby and ran off to Texas!  That's all a very long
> story, but to sum it up, HE was now the one devastated and living through
> pretty much what I had lived through when he left me and I found no joy in
> that whatsoever.  He saw the irony in that too, and apologized again.
>
> I came to a place where I recognized that he was not the man I married, and
> in fact, was not even the man I had divorced.  I'm sure I wasn't the same
> either!  While I knew that we could never be together, didn't even harbor
> any secret daydreams about it - I thought he was just a very sad man -
> there was still a connection there between us.  We both knew that we an
> ally in life, and the other was only a phone call away.
>
> A couple of years went by and I remarried while he worked the legal system
> trying to find and get his daughter back, and then he remarried and had a
> new baby boy.
>
> My kids would spent holidays juggling between me, their dad, and Todd. My
> son worked with him at a local bar.  Todd was the head of security, and my
> son was a bouncer.  We saw each other occasionally, but I only ever saw his
> wife a couple of times in passing.  He and I were friends on Facebook and I
> was able to oogle pictures of his adorably pretty baby boy, but I was
> always a little careful and reserved, making sure that his new young wife
> wasn't put out by this ex she didn't know commenting in any way
> inappropriately.  According to the kids, she was kind of 'stand-offish' and
> they didn't think she was especially friendly.
>
> If we ran into each other we chatted away, and in fact, when his wife was
> having a birthday he told my son he wanted him to make a cake!  My son came
> home and told me, "Todd told me he wants me to make a cake for Alyssa's
> birthday so you have to make one.".  LOVE my son, and because baking cakes
> is what I do, I happily made this one!  It took a few weeks to get my cake
> taker back, but Todd personally brought it to the house and thanked me
> profusely telling me how thoughtful and kind I was.
>
> There stood my second ex:  a man who'd once had half a dozen tattoos
> (including one of my name in cursive on his left arm which he'd had a
> single line tattooed through after we divorced!) now had dozens tattooed on
> both arms and both legs (including now, both of my children's names), both
> of his kids' names, a motorcycle engine, a big "N" with an arrow  up which
> was kind of his 'logo', and all kinds of crazy stuff that I was always
> curious to look at!; his hair shaved to just a short mohawk - again! - and
> his face shaved of its recent beard... a not-so-tall but huge bear of a man
> who was nothing more than a teddy with a violent streak hiding right
> beneath....  We had both changed so much but still my heart did a little
> flip to see him.
>
> And that was the last time I saw him.  Within a couple of weeks he was
> dead.  He died a hero's death in this little town, when a disgruntled
> eighteen year old who'd been tossed from the bar got pissed, went home, and
> came back with a gun and started shooting up the place!  Todd, the most
> conservative Republican, defender of the 2nd Amendment and card-carrying
> NRA member for life that I ever knew!  I've thought often of the irony in
> THAT too!  (*http://tinyurl.com/o5odrgf <http://tinyurl.com/o5odrgf>)*
>
> My daughter came to tell me and we went immediately to go see Alyssa, his
> wife.
>
> Because Todd had tried an 'older chick' and that didn't work, he was now
> married to a younger chick and she was my daughter's age!  Within a couple
> of years she'd gone from single to married, a mom and widowed.  The mom in
> me just went into overdrive.
>
> Over the next months I kept in contact.  I texted often asking if there was
> anything I could do.  In fact I TOLD her, I am going to stalk you until
> there IS something I can do!  When something bad happens folks tend to come
> from everywhere offering assistance, but then time passes, life goes on,
> and the offers stop.  I didn't want that to happen!
>
> And so, over the last eleven months, we've all become our own little
> dysfunctional family!  Alyssa got out of the Corps the next month (that was
> planned) and stayed here because she had no desire to move back home to
> Minnesota.  We've spent holidays and birthdays together, (they came to
> Thanksgiving dinner and then my current husband watched little Asa while we
> went Black Friday shopping!),
> and a few weeks ago, when her birthday rolled around again, I made another
> cake for her.... it just seemed to me, to represent coming full circle.
>
> Which was why I was disappointed in myself when Alyssa saw the link for the
> Glow Run on Facebook and said she wanted to go, and I realized that I
> hadn't thought to include her to begin with!  (And you thought all this
> rambling had no good point!)
>
> So we got her registered and last night, after some confusion about the
> weather and believing it was going to be a no-go, we all met and picked up
> our packets! Leanne and her husband and all three of their kids, her dad
> and step-mom who were visiting, another couple who they were best friends
> with, me and Annie, and Alyssa and Asa!  We were glowed up and ready to
> walk!
>
> We let the real runners, and then walkers, get out of the way, and then we
> with strollers, a wheelchair and a dog, took off!
>
> The 3.1 mile trek started at the park on the waterfront in downtown New
> Bern (it's an historic city, and actually the first capitol of North
> Carolina!), and wove through old neighborhoods with antebellum-type homes,
> newer condos on the water, more down-trodden neighborhoods, around a very
> old cemetery, and back to the park.
>
> We didn't all stay strictly together... we'd come upon congestion and go
> around, get separated, meet up, cause congestion for others, etc...  Along
> the way, in all the neighborhoods, we'd encounter folks sitting out on
> their porches waving and calling out, cheering us on!  And then we passed
> big ole house and heard somebody call out, "... and there goes Pam
> North!...".
>
> It was closer to dark than light - this WAS a "glow" run after all! - and I
> couldn't see who'd yelled out, but I cringed a little inside for Alyssa to
> hear that!  But she laughed it off and said 'hey!, I'm the North here!',
> and we kept on going, trying to remember which house it was so I could see
> who I knew from years back!
>
> Coming back we left the road and got on the sidewalk so we'd be closer to
> the house, and it turns out that it was a guy who had actually been the
> Maintenance Officer of the squadron that Todd and I had met and married in!
>
> He saw us coming back and was already apologizing for calling me 'North' -
> he knew I wasn't that anymore!  I made the same joke I always do about
> having a LOT of last names to choose from, and then I introduced him to the
> current Mrs. North and Asa, and we walked on.  And yes, I saw irony in that
> too!!
>
> It's been a crazy year...  When I made that cake a year ago I hoped that
> she wouldn't find out that *I* had actually made it, and be upset in any
> way.  After Todd died and people started spreading out, I made it a point
> to have lunch with her a few times a month to keep in contact and check on
> her.  When she moved we were there to help.  We chat often by text and
> Facebook even if we don't see other.  I think she's very friendly and I
> like having her and Ace around.
>
> But I wasn't ever sure what was going through her head about me.  I know
> that Todd never spoke ill of me.  In fact, as I've heard often, he spoke
> very highly of me and the good person I he thought I was.  But still. I
> *was*  (am!) an ex!!
>
> And then a few weeks ago they came to dinner and she brought me a gift.
>  She's very self-sufficient and crafty, and she and Asa had made a
> 'butterfly' picture using his footprints!  FOR ME!
>
> I never knew if she was just tolerating this chick because, or what.  But
> it would seem that in the horribleness that has been these last eleven
> months, a friendship has been born!  That makes me very happy and I like to
> think if Todd had been able to plan, he would have planned it like this.
>
> Three days after Todd's death my son was sworn in at a local police
> department.  It would have been a moment of pride for Todd had he been
> alive, but at the celebration that day were half a dozen of his closest
> friends, supporting his son in his place.
>
> Meanwhile, my daughter, now 25 herself, has told me a few time while
> watching her friends lives, that she doesn't remember a single time that
> she ever saw her dad and I fight over anything having to do with the kids.
>  We didn't fight over holidays, vacations, visitation.  Through the years
> we've managed to remain mostly friendly, and I even fixed him up with his
> current wife!  ha!
>
> So I've managed to collect a couple of exes in this life where I never
> planned to marry so many times, but it hasn't turned out too badly.
>
> Pam
>