TheBanyanTree: Bouncing Back

[Jena Norton]

I wish I were as brave as you and able to "share" when I'm slipping into the abyss. I usually feel I shouldn't bother people with this. I'm going to try to follow your example. And I'm finding out bouncing back isn't as easy as it used to be. Could it be more baggage weighing me down? But I'm working on it, day by day.

You do inspire me!
 
Jena Norton


>________________________________
> From: Monique Colver <monique.colver at gmail.com>
>To: Banyan Tree <thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> 
>Sent: Tuesday, June 3, 2014 11:37 AM
>Subject: TheBanyanTree: Bouncing Back
> 
>
>Here’s what they don’t tell you about depression: (Okay, there’s many
>things they don’t tell you, because who can tell you everything?)
>
>After a severe depressive episode, bouncing back is not in any way bouncing
>back, and the damage from being at your lowest is hard to repair. It’s no
>walk in the park. I didn’t wake up one day with the world all bright and
>cheery. I lost my confidence while I was gone, laid it down neatly on the
>road and let it get run over. It wasn’t really a road, more a superhighway.
>Once I put it down there was no getting it back.
>
>This isn’t the kind of thing you can tell people, because unless they’ve
>experienced it, they don’t get it. It also doesn’t look good for my
>business.
>
>“Dear Client, I lost all my confidence, just thought you should know.”
>
>No. You can’t tell them. You really can’t tell many people because as we
>all know, people like people who are happy and positive, not anxiety
>ridden, not doubtful, not scared. That’s what we’re told, isn’t it? But not
>me, no, I tell everyone, because I am lacking in common sense. That, and I
>take the shreds of feedback I get and try to piece them into a whole. And
>yes, we all know it has to come from within, but we can’t negate the
>outside feedback. It’s so important, at least for me, because I’m more than
>my experience. (Luckily for me.)
>
>So there I am – at my lowest, my confidence trying to make a comeback,
>trying not to scare off all my clients because I need the work, and trying
>not to rely on the anti-anxiety meds because I so want to be able to deal
>with this on my own.
>
>Anti-depressants are enough, I think. The anxiety is because I lost my
>confidence and need to get it back, and no amount of meds will make up for
>that. I have to do that on my own.
>
>You can ask me: all my peers are smarter, more accomplished, better at
>everything. I’ll tell you the truth. Some of my peers are my very good
>friends, so I should know. My friends are awesome. I’m not even sure how
>someone like me ends up with such awesome friends.
>
>If you would ask me, I would tell you that from this vantage point,
>everyone has their shit together, except me, but I’m only seeing a narrow
>view, a small sliver of life. The depression has taken away my sight, the
>ability to see beyond my own basic needs. It sucks, pretty much, to be in
>this place.
>
>Every day is a fight to come back to the land of the living, and every day
>is progress, but it’s still hard. It’s an uphill climb, but every now and
>then I see bright flashes of light, or muted rays of light through the
>darkness. I still have awesome people around me, and the ones who don’t
>want to hear about it weren’t really friends to begin with, were they?
>
>Each day I wake up and tell myself that I too can live a life without being
>ashamed of who I am.
>
>And each day I come a little closer to believing it.
>
>