TheBanyanTree: A Panic Attack

[Teague, Julie Anna]

Yes, she's got it exactly.  Mine used to be of the "I'm having a heart 
attack" variety.  They got so bad a few times I went to the emergency 
clinic thinking maybe I really was having a heart attack, only to be 
diagnosed with "stress".   But in my case, I did figure out the source. 
  And divorced him.  I haven't had an attack like that since then.  
I've had the heart-fluttering, oh-my-god-these-kids-depend-on-me, 
overwhelmed single parent kind of panic a couple of times, but never 
again the feeling that I'm trapped like an insect in a jar and am going 
to have my wings torn off over and over again until I die kind of 
stress.

Julie

Quoting Indiglow <indiglow at sbcglobal.net>:

> Have you put hinges on the top of my head to crawl inside and pull
> stories out?
> Peace & blessings,
> Jana
>
> --- On Wed, 5/8/13, Monique Colver <monique.colver at gmail.com> wrote:
>
>
> From: Monique Colver <monique.colver at gmail.com>
> Subject: TheBanyanTree: A Panic Attack
> To: "Banyan Tree" <thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com>
> Date: Wednesday, May 8, 2013, 4:14 PM
>
>
> There?s still a hollow feeling in my chest, a sort of numbness and a
> tingling, but the tingling is so muted that I?m not really sure it?s there.
>
> I swear I was fine this morning. Or as fine as can be expected.
>
> I?m feeling a bit overwhelmed, if you must know, but not any more than
> usual, and I?ve been pretty damn happy lately, even with the depression
> lurking in the background. It sits back there, coming out when I?m really
> stressed, or grieving, or in pain. Mostly I keep it at bay, thanks to
> pharmaceuticals, a happy family life, good friends, and a really
> accommodating dog. (And the now gone dog, Honey, who I must mention because
> it feels wrong not to.)
>
> But I?m good. Occasionally something trips me up, because that?s how life
> works, and that?s how I know I?m doing stuff. If I never did anything,
> nothing would happen, good or bad. I?m just doing my thing, trying to
> remember my place in the world, and that I have one.
>
> My technology was not being cooperative today. Sometimes that happens.
> That?s no big deal. But the good news was, I didn?t need to call the IRS
> for a client after all! So yay! Just another day of working in the office.
> No appointments, so I can get some real work done, a dog sleeping at my
> feet, my husband in the next office, and the world doing what it does.
>
> Suddenly, like a thunderclap but without the noise, there?s nothing left.
> There?s just darkness, and I?m falling down a hole that doesn?t appear to
> end. My heart does its own thing, it?s no longer a part of me, it beats
> furiously, trying to escape its cage.
>
> And I know with absolute certainty that nothing will ever be okay again.
>
> I can?t talk, not at first. I get up and go into the hallway, and my
> husband looks up from his desk and says, ?What?s wrong?? and I can?t tell
> him because not only do I not know, but also because I can?t  talk, I just
> want to cry and not stop.
>
> I do know what?s wrong, everything is wrong, the world is a mess, and I?m a
> mess, and what am I even doing here?
>
> So much drama for such a little panic attack.
>
> A lot of people I know have had them, and they are never little. They are
> never undramatic.  They are scary and big and overwhelming. They can lurk
> around before emerging full blown, tiny spiders running around the rim of
> our consciousness, or they can come out suddenly, with no warning. They can
> happen when we?re happy, and when we?re not.
>
> They can feel like a heart attack, or, in my case, like a major depressive
> episode coming on like a freight train. The ground shakes, the rails
> rattle, and there?s that bright headlight blinding me to anything but the
> crumbling of my world.
>
> And then it starts to pass, and when the freight train is about halfway
> past me I can talk again, even though there?s sound and vibration still
> passing me by, and then it?s gone, leaving behind the vast emptiness, the
> stillness that?s only outside of me, and silence.
>
> It takes time for my heart to calm, for my mind to settle, for my
> perspective to return. It takes time. But everything will be okay, even if
> I?m still not quite certain of that.
>
> Everything will be okay.
>