TheBanyanTree: Rediscovering Poetry

[Woofess]

Folks,

Last night while looking for some old photos on an old storage drive, I 
came across a folder of old poetry I wrote eons ago when the Internet 
was young and not yet commercial. Frankly, folks, I can't believe I 
managed to write all this stuff, cuz as sure as eggs, I could not write 
it now.

One particular poem I writ tickled me elderly fancy. It was in response 
to an email post on a forum from your classic chauvinist porker.  I will 
call the chauvinist porker, Len. His initial post has > next to each 
line. Now for explanation, in the old days we did not have HTML and 
fancy formatting, so we were reliant on what is called ASCII code  to 
signal meaning. ">" means original text which was in an email to which 
we are replying. So, all the lines in the stuff below starting with ">" 
are the original email from said porker, Len. Any stuff underneath it is 
my response to said porker. OK, got it? Good!

At 06:05 PM 21/5/96 +0000, Len XXXXXXX  wrote:

 >>      Intelligent Machines, Women & The InterNet
 >> -------------------------------------------------------------------
 >
 >Naturally, I don't intend any insult to the female gender or
 >yourself in particular. We are a team, not single players. We are too
 >different to compare directly as my article pointed out, but in my own
 >defence and since you consider the premise faulty:-
 >
 >I can only point out the complete lack of great painters,
 >musicians,and mathematicians of the female gender.
 >Where is the female Leonardo, Michelangelo, Galileo Galilei, Goya,
 >Beethoven etc. etc. etc.
 >
 >Why is this? Doesn't it make you feminists wonder just a little?
 >
 >My answer is:- There are none because they are simply not capable
 >(generally of course)of reaching such levels of intuitive
 >advancement. Woman's brains are like the dolphin's. Evolved to solve
 >social problems rather than being creative like men. Women are
 >complimentary to men, not rivals. My own life partner can often point
 >out when someone is lying or being devious long before I see it.
 >
 >Len.
 >
 >
FOR THOSE WHO DISLIKE BEING CATEGORISED

Oh dear, I have a tale of woe to tell.
Into the pits of misery I fell,
When I realised that my faulty brain,
Will never sing that sweet female refrain.

I must now make a dark confession.
I hope, friends, you'll bear with me this session.
I tried very hard to be what I ought.
The wise counsel of others I once sought.

As to my future directions, I asked
My mother, in whose loving warmth I basked.
She said, "nurse, teacher or social worker".
"But Ma!", I wailed, "I'd rather be a ghurka!"

"Or join the Foreign Legion, or be broke!!
Than devote my life to caring for folk
And cure them of social or other ills,
Teaching them or filling their mouths with pills!"

My female kin shook their heads. In vain they
Tried to mould me in a ladylike way.
They taught me to knit and sew, darn and cook,
As had their ancestors, by the same book.

As I stitched, with legs crossed neatly at the calves
My thoughts were climbing rocks, (never by halves
Did I think things), inventing cures for cancer,
 From concept to artform image,  like a dancer,

My mind would leap, while my body would escape
At any chance to climb trees. In a scrape
I would get with the bad kids down the street.
To hell with dolls! Meccano was the treat!!

My father aided me in rebellion,
Taught me to box and be a hellion,
To appreciate words and rock science
To him, I showed no youthful defiance.

As I grew up with this dichotomy
I wondered long what would become of me
Should I be the meek and mindless housewife?
Should I be myself and live my own life?

My self protested  loudly, "Wotthehell!"
Female brains were like dolphins', I heard tell
I went and spoke to the social dolphins
In confusion they weakly waved their fins.

They didn't comprehend my unique mind.
Feminists said burn your bra, then you'll find
True freedom, but me tits drooped on the ground!
"Bugger the lot of em", I thought, "I'll pound

The next who tries to put me in a box
And tag according to their style of socks!"
But Len, there's one Dolphin trait I'd be most
Happy to adopt. (You, I *have* to roast!)

Apparently, the dolphin tribe are said
To be hornier than you studs in bed.
Now Len, are you but a chauvinist male
Or perhaps a dolphin with little tail?

(c)Wolfess - May, 1996
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Lupine steel-clawed, spandex-paw covered female..wotch out!!
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


-- 

Best regards,

Woofie

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"The one constant in life is absurdity" - Woofie - 30/4/02

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