TheBanyanTree: Fall

[auntiesash]

I wish each of these paragraphs were an essay.  You know - too many great
themes all packed in tight.  I want MORE!!!

- sash (demanding fan)

On Fri, Sep 23, 2011 at 1:46 PM, Pam Lawley <pamj.lawley at gmail.com> wrote:

> I love reading what you write Neek!!  I can always relate  - sometimes
> hugely, sometimes in just some small teensy way - but always!  I think that
> must mean I'm an okay person...
>
> On Fri, Sep 23, 2011 at 1:50 PM, Monique Colver <monique.colver at gmail.com
> >wrote:
>
> > Fall
> >
> >
> >
> > It hasn’t fallen quite yet, but there are signs it’s about to, and so I
> > wait, impatiently. I’m not a patient person under the best of
> > circumstances,
> > and end of summer is not the best of circumstances. It’s hot. I don’t
> like
> > hot. I do not like the giant wolf spider that was climbing up my office
> > wall
> > this week. By giant, I mean, to me. To you, it may have been tiny. But I
> > doubt it. It was really big. And it’s because it’s still summer. I had to
> > call for the guy in the next office to come over and save me. He did. He
> > always does. This is why my office space is called a prime location.
> >
> >
> >
> > But enough about me. How are you? Are you faring well? Is life being easy
> > on
> > you? Or is it being a giant pain in the ass? You can tell me. I won’t
> even
> > tell anyone else if you want it to be a secret. I’m good at keeping
> > secrets.
> > Usually. Not always. I’m not perfect, y’know. Just don’t tell me
> something
> > so interesting or funny that I feel compelled to share.
> >
> >
> >
> > If you’re doing well, I am happy for you. If you’re not doing well, I
> wish
> > I
> > could change it. That’s how I am. I want to make everything better for
> > everyone else, but I learned years ago that trying to is an exercise in
> > futility. True, it may be the only exercise I get some days, but still.
> > (That’s because of summer. I can’t exercise when it’s this hot. Once fall
> > arrives I’ll have to come up with a new excuse.)
> >
> >
> >
> > So pardon me if I don’t try to make it better. It’s not that I don’t want
> > to, you see, it’s just that I can’t.
> >
> >
> >
> > What I can do is tell you it gets better. I sound like a PSA, I know.
> Well,
> > in theory it gets better. It doesn’t always, does it? I found that out
> for
> > myself. Until I realized that I was the one stopping it from getting
> > better.
> > Not that this is your situation. Your situation is not your doing. But
> mine
> > was. When you take on responsibility for everything and assume the world
> > needs you running it, controlling it even, you can quickly find out that
> > the
> > world doesn’t really care, and that if you drop out of it for a bit the
> > world will do just fine, thank you very much.
> >
> >
> >
> > And when I say you, I mean me, of course.
> >
> >
> >
> > This involved a bit of adjustment on my part. If the world didn’t need me
> > running it, what was my purpose? At one point I thought it was to take
> care
> > of all the mentally ill people. But it was just one mentally ill person
> > that
> > I was supposed to take care of, not all of them. Fortunately I figured
> that
> > out before one of them killed me. It helps to be a fast learner, though
> > fast
> > is relative.
> >
> >
> >
> > It’s not true, despite what I learned growing up (by growing up I mean I
> > got
> > bigger physically, not necessarily emotionally), that I’m useful only as
> > much as I can solve other people’s problems. Imagine that! And no, the
> > world
> > at large doesn’t need me coming to its aid. Why? Because the world at
> large
> > doesn’t come running to my aid when I need it, and I get by just fine.
> >
> >
> >
> > Okay, sometimes it does. And sometimes it doesn’t. But mostly it’s up to
> > me.
> > My mental and emotional state is up to me, and if I choose so, I can
> > improve
> > it. If that means I should take anti-depressants to keep the dark times
> at
> > bay, I do so, and I don’t feel bad for not having the self-control to
> make
> > myself “happy” without them. Yes. Some people still believe it
> demonstrates
> > superiority to not rely on these sorts of things. Fine with me. Like I
> > said,
> > I’m my own problem.
> >
> >
> >
> > Occasionally it means I must avoid being bombarded with negativity. Not
> > that
> > I’m always a “be happy or be gone!” sort of person, but I do have my
> > limits.
> > Especially at a time when the world itself seems to be descending into a
> > whirlpool of madness and sadness. When someone I barely know emails me
> for
> > help because she’s anxious and doesn’t know how to deal with life and
> can’t
> > leave the house, I tell her to seek therapy, and good luck with that, and
> I
> > wish her well. I can’t take on everyone who needs help. I used to. See
> > where
> > that got me? (She is, by the way, a "be happy or be gone!" sort of person
> > who can only deal with happy thoughts, so there is that.)
> >
> >
> >
> > At the end of summer I take stock of where I’m at while I ponder my next
> > move. I’m in pretty good shape. I’m very lucky, and the next move is up
> to
> > me. But it’s totally up to me, and if I don’t follow through, that’s me
> all
> > the way. Life is not conspiring against me.
> >
> >
> >
> > Because this is the thing. Life conspires against all of us all the time.
> > It’s how life works. The only question is, what am I going to do about
> it?
> >
> >
> > Monique
> >
>



-- 
‎When I say it's you I like,
I'm talking about that part of you that knows that
life is far more than anything you can ever see or hear or touch.
That deep part of you that allows you to
stand for those things without which humankind cannot survive.
Love that conquers hate,
peace that rises triumphant over war,
and justice that proves more powerful than greed.
- Fred Rogers