TheBanyanTree: CDD Symptoms and Treatment

[Mike Pingleton]

I don't have CDD, since I'm not a huge fan of cupcakes (more for the rest of
you!), but I do enjoy hearing about other people's problems.

Perhaps you have some suggestions for me?  I have a Dorsally Transfixed Pie
Monkey.
-Mike

On Sun, Oct 2, 2011 at 11:19 PM, Monique Colver <monique.colver at gmail.com>wrote:

> Let’s talk about cupcakes. I only say this because I am suffering from
> Cupcake Deficit Disorder. I’m not allowed many cupcakes because they have
> sugar in them, and I’m supposed to be avoiding the stuff. And no, I don’t
> want to know about any sugar free cupcakes. If I’m going to eat empty
> carbs,
> at least let them have sugar.
>
> Cupcake Deficit Disorder, or CDD as we call it around here, can, if left
> untreated, affect the central nervous system. It can also increase
> crankiness and decrease libido (so I hear), as well as turn a completely
> normal day into a day of darkness, despair, and deceit. And that, ladies
> and
> gentlemen, is something we all need to avoid, isn’t it? Unless you’re into
> that sort of thing.
>
>
> Which I’m not. As anyone who knows me can tell you, I’m the exact opposite
> of darkness and despair. And deceit. Though I am not unfamiliar with
> conceit
> and am actually quite well acquainted with it. The mere act of assuming
> anyone wants to read what I have to say on cupcakes proves that.
>
>
> But back to CDD.
>
>
> CDD has only one treatment that has been proven, in clinical trials, to be
> successful. And by clinical trials, I mean this is what I’ve determined
> works. And that is: Cupcakes.
>
>
> Yes! The treatment for CDD is cupcakes!
>
>
> There are several ways you can test this out for yourself, should you
> suffer
> from CDD. And how do you know if you suffer from it? There are several very
> clear indicators, among them:
>
>
>
>   - Are you cranky first thing in the morning?
>   - Do you find yourself daydreaming about butter cream frosting on a dark
>   chocolate cake?
>   - Do you find yourself making excuses to go by Cupcake Royale (or any
>   similar cupcake shop) when you really didn’t need to be on that side of
> town
>   at all?
>   - Do you snap at your children, your husband, your wife, or your pets?
>   (This is a very clear indicator.)
>   - Do you dream of cupcakes when you sleep?
>   - Do you lie awake at night counting cupcakes in an attempt to get to
>   sleep?
>   - Do you find yourself planning parties solely to have an excuse to have
>   cupcakes?
>   - Have you looked up the nutritional value of cupcakes hoping to find
>   that they’re somehow good for you? (They’re not, so you might as well not
>   even look.)
>   - To pass time on the subway, do you imagine all the different cupcake
>   and frosting combinations you can, and then write them down on a list
> that
>   you later transcribe?
>   - Do you have the iPad Cupcake app which tells you where the nearest
>   cupcake shop is, wherever you might be? (This is the absolute best reason
>   for owning an iPad, by the way.)
>
>
> If you have any of the above symptoms, you just might have CDD. Or you may
> be naturally cranky. The only way to tell is to try treating CDD and see if
> that helps.
>
> When treating yourself for CDD, or a loved one (sometimes loved ones don’t
> know they need treatment, so it’s quite all right if you force them to eat
> cupcakes since you’re doing it out of love), it’s important to remember
> that
> quality trumps quantity. You can either make them yourself, if you’re into
> that sort of thing, or you can go to a Specialty Cupcake Shop.
>
> I prefer the second method, since the idea of me baking sort of takes all
> the fun out of it.
>
>
> (I love to cook, but baking isn’t cooking. Not only that, but then I end up
> with way too many cupcakes, and then I’d have to eat said cupcakes, and
> then
> you’d all have to come to my funeral after I’ve lapsed into a diabetic coma
> and died.)
>
>
> When deciding on what sort of cupcake to treat yourself with (treat
> yourself
> with! It’s a play on words!) remember that quality comes first. To do it
> properly, make sure you know exactly what kind of cupcake you really need.
> Or cupcakes, if you’re going to be consuming more than one at a time.
> Fortunately there’s a wide variety of available flavors and types and
> combinations, so you should be able to find just the thing.
>
>
> You may want to call ahead to make sure the cupcakes you want have just
> been
> baked. There is absolutely nothing worse than showing up at the Specialty
> Cupcake Shop only to find out that there is no chocolate raspberry left,
> and
> that you’ll have to wait until tomorrow. (If this happens, you may want to
> try throwing a tantrum. Perhaps the Specialty Cupcake Shop will be so in
> awe
> of your tantrum that they’ll make more just for you.)
>
>
> When consuming your cupcake, you have to be in the right frame of mind. You
> have to WANT to get better. If you consume the cupcake(s) not really caring
> if you recover from CDD or not you’ll just want more cupcakes and be no
> closer to recovery. You will, however, be momentarily satisfied until you
> crave the next cupcake (which may take place in ten minutes, an hour, or
> three days).
>
>
> I’m going to treat my CCD now, and in short order my charming husband will
> be relieved to see me stress and despair free. Your results may vary.
>