TheBanyanTree: Family of My Own

[Pam Lawley]

And so today, Janice's writings of 'family trees/history' has spurred me to
once again go looking...

My cousin Allison recently posted a photo of a silly cat on Facebook
captioned with, "Insanity doesn't run in my family, it gallops!" - Cary
Grant.  And no, we're not really "insane", but we are crazier than heck!!!
 Allison't grandmother Bette was my Aunt, and she spent a lot of time and
hours in defining this family's tree.  I was impressed by her efforts, but
really, not terribly curious  As I sit here right now, I wonder if I would
be excited if I knew that investigating would show a relationship to some
famous person in history - no.  Or if I could find out some interesting
stories - not so much.  I'm saddened that I have so little interest in it.

But, I am *very* curious about the branches of this family just going back
to my grandparents.  My father's mother died when I was six or seven, and my
grandfather died when I was in my very early 20's.  I had no chance to know
my grandmother (she lived in Vermont and we lived all over those first half
a dozen years of my life as my dad was in the Army), but I did get to spend
some quality time with my grandfather most summers during my 'middle school'
years.  Unfortunately, I didn't know enough to ask questions back then.  And
sadly, I didn't even know enough to ask my dad before he died when I was 36.
 I ask my mom a lot of questions now, but her memory is shot!  (Nothing
medical, she just remembers things about as well as *I* do!!)

My dad's parents were Charlie and Hazel.  (Actually, 'Hazel Hannah May
Watson James'!  I just LOVE her name!!)  They had four children that were
well photographed (my grandfather was a professional photographer), but not
so very loved.  Theirs was a very dysfunctional, loveless home.  I want to
ask about that!!  My grandfather beat his children, and my own father beat
us - what else did he know!?

As a side note, I *did* get to ask my dad about that!  He regretted those
beatings - mostly done in anger (he had quite the temper!) - and wished that
he had talked to us first, and smacked us (or used the belt) second.  In me
and my siblings youth, my parents were quite proud that people loved to have
such well-behaved children visit!  Well - DUH!  We feared for our lives so
OF COURSE we sat there quietly and behaved!!

Anyway, my dad, the second of four, quit school just months before
graduation and joined the Army.  Somewhere in that time frame (see - I need
to ask!!), Charlie and Hazel - who were friends with Russ and Merlene -
divorced, and Charlie married Merlene and Russ married Hazel.  And don't you
know I have a lot of questions about THAT!!!

And, while my dad was very young, he married Terry.  Within a few years
they'd parented two sons, they spent time in Japan, and then the unhappy
couple separated.  I think my dad smacked her around.  And he even admitted,
that if the boys had any memories of him, they probably weren't happy ones
either!  But they didn't just "separate".  Terry actually left my father AND
her children, and took off for parts unknown.  So there was my father,
troubled and in the service, with two young sons.  For awhile, the boys went
to live with my grandmother Hazel.  That didn't last long because Hazel was
in ill health, and the boys were put in foster care.

My dad?!  Oh, he was in Fort Benning, Georgia spending time in the Brig -
that same temper wasn't earning him any points with his superiors either.  I
have copies - carbon! - of letters written to my dad, from Vermont's child
welfare agency, discussing his predicament and parenting abilities.  Or
inabilities as they were.  Which is why, in 1959'ish, the boys were 'put up'
for adoption.

Meanwhile, late in 1959, my father was discharged and met my mom.  He'd gone
to a bar to meet with a recruiter in an attempt to get back into the Army.
 My mom - very young herself and divorced with her own toddler! - was out
looking for fun!  And didn't they find it!   My dad drove an old Volkswagon
'Bug".  There was a cemetery that was a favorite "parking" spot, and I
understand that there was a lot of snow.  And then there was me!
 Unfortunately, nobody knew where Terry was, and my father was having a hard
time divorcing her.  As the story goes, my dad brought a friend to court who
admitted to the judge that he had "fornicated" with my father's wife, (this
is the story I've grown up with [I knew the definition of 'fornicate' at a
VERY young age!!]), and so my dad was granted a divorced on the grounds of
adultery.

And so in May of 1960, they were finally able to marry.  (Which was good
since I was born in September!)  They'd been living as married meanwhile, so
they drove to another town to actually GET married.  Back in those days, the
newspaper listed all the marriages and my mom didn't want anybody to know,
so they found a Justice of the Peace whose office was over a bar (these are
the things they told me!), and officially tied the knot.

My sister's dad wasn't paying his child support, so he gave up his parental
rights and my dad adopted her, and my younger brother was born a few years
later. It was not a happy childhood for any of us - all that dysfunction
continued for another generation!  My dad was quite charming, but he was
also a mean bastard and a TOTAL control freak ("I am bigger so I am in
charge!!), and we would probably have all grown up and left him alone except
that he had a very debilitating stroke a month before he turned 49 and he
had to rely on those same people that he'd once smacked around!  My mother
stayed with him, loved him, and took care of him until he died 14 years
later, but she believes that he kind of got what he deserved in the end.
 She doesn't say that hatefully, she just thinks that he lived those last 14
years humbly and uncomfortably, and it was cosmic payback of a sort, for all
his years of abusing others.

Maybe so.  Unlike my siblings, I loved that man and I actually turned out a
whole like him.  Well - somewhat!!  I wasn't abusive with my children - in
fact I talked to my dad about that and told him that I would NOT be, that I
was breaking the cycle! - but I'm outgoing and loud and kind of 'fun'!
 (Would it sound vain to say that I think I got his 'good' parts?!)  I spent
my childhood striving to please him - I wanted his love and acceptance, and
I did NOT want to piss him off and get beat!!  Yes, in its way, the
dysfunction still continues..

Gosh - I start to write about one thing, and then get sidetracked in my
story...

In my mid-20's, I decided that I wanted to find my brothers.  (Have I
written about this before?!  It sounds familiar to me.)  I wrote to
Vermont's Children's Aid Society and told them who I was and who I was
looking for.  I knew their names and whatever else info my dad had given me.
 Due to the laws back then, they couldn't tell me anything though they did
put MY information on record in case either man came looking.

And then in the late 90's I got curious again and wrote another letter.
 This time they were able to give me "non-identifying" information.  Besides
a typed 'bio', they sent me xeroxed copies of the 'adoption study' done in
February of 1960 after the boys were placed, with all the "identifying"
information "X'd" out or whited out.

The bio stated that Terry was 20 and 22 when the boys were born; she was
Protestant and "an intelligent young woman" who came from a "somewhat under
privileged family".  Her father had died when she was young and her mom
didn't do very well afterwards.  She herself had become a "ward of the
state" as an adolescent.  She completed one year of "normal school" and then
married my dad after only having known him a short time.

My dad was 22 and 24 when the boys were born.  He was of "Protestant faith
and of Yankee heritage".  He "seemed to be an intelligent young man, however
he was immature and impulsive"!!  He had a "quick, hot temper and got into
fights repeatedly".

When they were stationed in Japan (where the first son was born in 1955)
they apparently had a happy marriage.  My dad had a relatively good income,
"living was cheap and they were able to have several servants".  But, when
they returned to the US, they were not able to manage financially and got
heavily into debt.  They fought a lot and - oh look! - "Charles was
unfaithful"!!!!  "Shortly after Robert's birth, Theresa became interested in
another man and left her husband and children."

And then it states that, "Charles felt he was unable to assume the
responsibilities of parenthood and wished his sons to have a normal life."
 (That was probably just a nicer way to state his disinterest.  Or maybe it
wasn't that - I don't really know.)

Charles Ernest (Chucky) James (the original "III" because it's now my little
brother's name) had his name changed in adoption to Thomas Campbell XXXXXX,
and Robert Michael (Bobby) James became Frederick Charles XXXXX.  They were
adopted by Alan Campell and Ann XXXXX who had also earlier adopted a little
girl, Elizabeth.  Ann was born in 1925 in New York, and she was "attractive,
intelligent, friendly and capable".  She had an "W.S.S." (could be MSS or
something... it's not a great copy) from the 'University of XXXXX" and work
as a social worker until "         1957" when they adopted the girl child.
 She "loves her home - loves to cook - is very domestic".  Oh yeah, and she
has many friends.

Alan C was born in Somewhere, Ohio in 1925 and he completed three years of
residence in internal medicine at "                        Hospital" in "
          1959".  They love the "out-of-doors", they love to "camp, hunt,
fish and picnic".  They visit "back and forth" with friends and their
interests were wide.  They attended church, but Mrs. "          " was more
active than her husband.

"The "           s " love their three children dearly, are proud of them and
happy with them and the children respond to their warm, giving parents by
being spontaneous, gay, bright, happy youngsters."  Geez... who'd want to
find their asshole birth father with all that?!?!?!

And so, that's my whole story on my 'missing' brothers.  *I* would like to
find out about them and their lives... Do we look alike?!  Share any genetic
personality traits?!?!  Did they ever wonder if they had other siblings?!
 But it doesn't appear that Vermont law has changed any more to give up info
that would identify them.  I've tried just googling their first and middle
names in the state of Massachusettes, but...  I could probably hire
somebody, but I'm not sure I want to go that route.

My sister actually found a sister of hers online.   Somehow she got her
birth father's SSN, and investigated herself until she found out that her
father had remarried and had more children, including 'Heidi' who my sister
seems to have bonded with.  Their father was an alcoholic (his drinking was
why my mom left him) and he died very young years ago.  Do my "brothers"
wonder if their birth parents had any other children?!?!

I've emailed a 'search' organization in Vermont, we'll see...

Thanks for your story Janice!!!